beneath my closed eyelids and seeped into my pillow. Wrapping my arms around myself, I let myself cry, falling asleep eventually to the whirr of next door’s lawnmower and the smell of newly mown grass.
***
Mum brought me another cup of tea a little while later. I felt the dip of my bed as she sat down next to me and laid a gentle hand on my leg. I blinked up at her, eyes gummy and hair stuck to my face.
‘You haven’t got very far with your unpacking,’ she said, looking around the room at my stuff, which was strewn all over the place. My suitcase sat next to the wardrobe, still full and unpacked.
‘Mmm… sorry,’ I muttered.
‘It doesn’t matter, my love. You do it in your own time.’ She chuckled, gazing around. ‘It just looks like how your room was when you lived here anyway.’
Raising myself up onto my elbow, I reached for the tea on my bedside table. Sunlight slanted through the open window and I could hear birds chirping and scratching in the eaves above. It took me right back to my childhood. The tea tasted good, hot and wet on my dry tongue.
‘So, have you spoken to Alex yet? Do you think he’ll have discovered you’ve left?’
‘He usually doesn’t get back until eight.’ I rolled onto my back, staring up at the round paper lampshade above my bed.
‘Your dad’s spitting mad, you know. We both are. I just can’t believe it.’ She patted my leg.
‘There’s no point feeling angry about it,’ I said. ‘We were over anyway.’
‘Well, that’s no excuse. He needs to tell you it’s over before moving on to someone else. Although, goodness knows why he’d want to cheat on you! You’re kind, clever, beautiful.’
I gave her a small, sad smile. ‘You’re biased, but thank you.’
‘It’s toad in the hole for tea. I hope that’s all right.’
‘Lovely. Thanks.’
‘I bet you haven’t eaten today, have you?’
‘I had breakfast.’
Mum patted my leg again. ‘Well, tea won’t be long now. Do you want any help unpacking your stuff?’
‘No, I can do it. Thanks anyway.’
Getting up, I heaved my suitcase onto the bed and opened the wardrobe doors. There were still some clothes in there from before I moved out. An old denim jacket and the bridesmaid’s dress I’d worn to my cousin’s wedding. I pushed them to the end of the rail before unzipping my suitcase and hanging everything up. It didn’t take as long as I thought it would, and just over an hour later all my clothes were put away in the wardrobe and drawers, books neatly stacked on my old bookshelf, lamp and ornaments arranged on the dresser, and dressing gown hung on the back of the door. All that was left was a big pile of toiletries, waiting to go into the bathroom. It was oddly satisfying to have everything sorted so quickly and I looked around the room, amazed I’d managed to cram everything in. Putting the stuff away had made me feel less displaced and more positive. This was my home, and I had happy memories of growing up here. My parents were great, and although I’d found them stifling after university, I had a sneaking suspicion they’d be far easier to live with than Alex had been recently.
It was strange getting ready for work in my parents’ house. Dad was still asleep, but Mum got up to make me breakfast as soon as she heard me moving about. I felt bad I’d woken her but also incredibly grateful. She also made my lunch, wrapping a chicken and mayonnaise roll in tin foil and placing it in my dad’s sandwich box with a Penguin and a packet of roast beef Monster Munch. It was the best gift ever.
‘Thank you,’ I said, humbly, as she opened my handbag and placed the box inside. Then she kissed me goodbye and waved me off at the door.
It was lovely and moving all at once. I felt like I’d gone back in time and should be going to school, not work.
I parked in my usual spot in the office car park and opened the car door. It was another lovely spring morning, with blue sky and sunshine, birds singing in the trees. A cool breeze rustled the blossom above my head and petals floated down around me, settling in my hair.
Sonya, the girl on reception, waved cheerfully as I entered the building, and I smiled and waved back. Then my colleague Ann appeared behind me, brushing at my shoulders and chuckling about me looking like I’d just got married or something.
‘Nothing could be further from the truth,’ I said with a wry smile.
‘Ooh!’ Ann gasped and covered her mouth with her hand. ‘I’m so sorry. I didn’t think!’ Obviously word had got around about why I’d left early yesterday.
‘Don’t worry, Ann. I’m fine.’
I went to my desk and sat down.
‘Morning, Elena!’ Hilary boomed over the partition. She’d had her hair done and the frizz had been transformed into giant sausage-like curls all over her head. I blinked up at her in amazement.
‘Morning, Hilary. You’ve… you’ve had your hair done, I see.’
‘Do you like it? I fancied a change.’ She patted it, looking pleased. ‘I’ve sent you an email about some things I’d like you to deal with first thing. Best to keep yourself busy at times like these.’
‘Very true.’ I started up my computer, wondering why I felt a giant weight settling onto my shoulders. Ordinarily I loved my job, but today I wasn’t in the mood.
My phone rang, making me jump.
‘Hi! Just me!’ said Rachel, brightly. ‘Just checking you’re in work.’
‘I’m here.’
‘Well done. How are you feeling?’
I breathed in deeply through my nose and held my lungs full of air for a moment. ‘I don’t know,’ I said.
‘Have you spoken to him yet?’
‘No.’ My computer asked for my password and I tapped it in, listening to the whirr of the fan as it began opening the start-up items. ‘But then I didn’t expect to really. Not yet anyway. I suppose I should take his key back at some point.’
‘Hold on to it for a few more days, just in case you remember something you’ve forgotten,’ she said. ‘Are you going to call him? Or will you wait for him to call you?’
‘I hadn’t really thought about it,’ I said, checking if the spider plant on my desk needed water. The soil was dry and flaky and I reached for my water bottle with a guilty grimace. ‘Do I need to speak to him? I’m not sure I want to just yet. I’ve moved out and he’s got a new girlfriend. What else is there to say?’
‘It must feel strange though, to go from living with him to not seeing him at all.’
I hesitated as I poured water into the pot plant. ‘I think it’s probably better this way. It’s not like I’m heartbroken, is it?’ Lowering my voice, I cast a furtive glance over the partition to check if Hilary was listening in, but spotted her chatting to someone on the other side of the office. ‘I mean, I feel sad and hurt and a bit… tired, I suppose. But then I sometimes feel like that when I finish a jar of Nutella.’
Rachel laughed. ‘Nutella? Elena!’
‘You know what I mean; I think the end of anything is a bit sad. But that doesn’t mean I want to phone him up and beg him to let me come back. I know it’s over and our relationship was pretty much dead anyway, so there’s no point crying and wailing, is there? I’ll be all right. Did you speak to Patrick last night?’
‘Yes, I did. He’s coming back on Friday. Oh, I’d better go, I’ve got a