death, unless, in the
meantime, they have been revived for another century. The Act
that institutes the Statutory Duel was passed a hundred years
ago, and as it has never been revived, it expires to-morrow. So
you're just in time.
JULIA. But what is the use of talking to us about
Statutory
Duels when we none of us know what a Statutory Duel is?
NOT. Don't you? Then I'll explain.
SONG—NOTARY.
About a century since,
The code of the duello
To sudden death
For want of breath
Sent many a strapping fellow.
The then presiding Prince
(Who useless bloodshed hated),
He passed an Act,
Short and compact,
Which may be briefly stated.
Unlike the complicated laws
A Parliamentary draftsman draws,
It may be briefly stated.
ALL. We know that complicated laws,
Such as a legal draftsman draws,
Cannot be briefly stated.
NOT. By this ingenious law,
If any two shall quarrel,
They may not fight
With falchions bright
(Which seemed to him immoral);
But each a card shall draw,
And he who draws the lowest
Shall (so 'twas said)
Be thenceforth dead—
In fact, a legal "ghoest"
(When exigence of rhyme compels,
Orthography forgoes her spells,
And "ghost" is written "ghoest").
ALL (aside) With what an emphasis he dwells
Upon "orthography" and "spells"!
That kind of fun's the lowest.
NOT. When off the loser's popped
(By pleasing legal fiction),
And friend and foe
Have wept their woe
In counterfeit affliction,
The winner must adopt
The loser's poor relations—
Discharge his debts,
Pay all his bets,
And take his obligations.
In short, to briefly sum the case,
The winner takes the loser's place,
With all its obligations.
ALL. How neatly lawyers state a case!
The winner takes the loser's place,
With all its obligations!
LUD. I see. The man who draws the lowest card—
NOT. Dies, ipso facto, a social death. He loses all his
civil rights—his identity disappears—the Revising Barrister
expunges his name from the list of voters, and the winner takes
his place, whatever it may be, discharges all his functions, and
adopts all his responsibilities.
ERN. This is all very well, as far as it goes, but it only
protects one of us. What's to become of the survivor?
LUD. Yes, that's an interesting point, because I might be
the survivor.
NOT. The survivor goes at once to the Grand Duke, and, in
a
burst of remorse, denounces the dead man as the moving spirit of
the plot. He is accepted as King's evidence, and, as a matter of
course, receives a free pardon. To-morrow, when the law expires,
the dead man will, ipso facto, come to life again—the Revising
Barrister will restore his name to the list of voters, and he
will resume all his obligations as though nothing unusual had
happened.
JULIA. When he will be at once arrested, tried, and
executed on the evidence of the informer! Candidly, my friend, I
don't think much of your plot!
NOT. Dear, dear, dear, the ignorance of the laity! My
good
young lady, it is a beautiful maxim of our glorious Constitution
that a man can only die once. Death expunges crime, and when he
comes to life again, it will be with a clean slate.
ERN. It's really very ingenious.
LUD. (to NOTARY). My dear sir, we owe you our lives!
LISA (aside to LUDWIG). May I kiss him?
LUD. Certainly not: you're a big girl now. (To ERNEST.)
Well, miscreant, are you prepared to meet me on the field of
honour?
ERN. At once. By Jove, what a couple of fire-eaters we
are!
LISA. Ludwig doesn't know what fear is.
LUD. Oh, I don't mind this sort of duel!
ERN. It's not like a duel with swords. I hate a duel with
swords. It's not the blade I mind—it's the blood.
LUD. And I hate a duel with pistols. It's not the ball I
mind—it's the bang.
NOT. Altogether it is a great improvement on the old
method
of giving satisfaction.
QUINTET.
LUDWIG, LISA, NOTARY, ERNEST, JULIA.
Strange the views some people hold!
Two young fellows quarrel—
Then they fight, for both are bold—
Rage of both is uncontrolled—
Both are stretched out, stark and cold!
Prithee, where's the moral?
Ding dong! Ding dong!
There's an end to further action,
And this barbarous transaction
Is described as "satisfaction"!
Ha! ha! ha! ha! satisfaction!
Ding dong! Ding dong!
Each is laid in churchyard mould—
Strange the views some people hold!
Better than the method old,
Which was coarse and cruel,
Is the plan that we've extolled.
Sing thy virtues manifold
(Better than refined gold),
Statutory Duel!
Sing song! Sing song!
Sword or pistol neither uses—
Playing card he lightly chooses,