informal, or formal. It is the basis of all relationships. Because it is such a central consideration, foreigners living or working in Africa need to pay close attention to it. This is doubly true because respect is treated so differently in Western countries and in Africa. One result of this is that Westerners may be seen as acting disrespectfully without ever intending to.
A person who does not show respect will find it difficult, if not impossible, to build healthy relationships.
Respect is shown in many ways:
The manner in which a person greets others.
Using the appropriate names or titles that reflect the social rank of others, both in face-to-face interaction and in public reference.
Being clean and respecting the personal space of others.
Dressing appropriate to your social position, and to the social position of others.
Showing deference to people of age.
Appropriately showing or refraining from showing emotions.
Following social conventions at time of illness and death.
Most of these items will be taken up in separate sections. In this introductory section, some generalities are described and some examples given in an attempt to show Westerners how important respect is, yet how difficult it often is to know how to show respect.
Many air travelers from America and Europe are accustomed to handling their own luggage at an airport. When they arrive in Africa local baggage handlers often irritate them. They often don’t have local currency and if they do, they don’t know the local fee. The handlers may insist on carrying luggage, to the further irritation of the traveler. Local baggage handlers depend on tips for much-needed cash, and the self-sufficient traveler may appear selfish or greedy by withholding pay from a porter, and doing a job which is theirs. Additionally, local baggage handlers think it beneath the status of the air traveler to carry his or her own luggage. Rather than respecting the foreigner who can do his own work, they feel overlooked and disrespected. The observant traveler will do well to note the number of African travelers who (don’t) carry their own bags.
Another way expatriates unintentionally show disrespect is when they talk about money matters that are completely beyond the possibilities of their African friends. They might mention how they expect to buy a certain vehicle, or a motorcycle, or the latest in electronic gadgets—any item that their friend could never consider for himself. Owning these things is not the issue. Being sensitive to the relative wealth or lack thereof is the issue. I have found that even mentioning a pending trip by air to someone for whom such travel is beyond his dreams, causes discomfort and shows a degree of disrespect, unless it is necessary to talk to that person about one’s plans. Conspicuous consumption is also disrespectful of others. Most shoppers will cover the goods they buy, rather than let others see. They do not openly display valuables, but conceal them in their personal room. To place them where others can see them may be considered prideful, and tempting others to the point of jealousy. Since jealousy is considered as morally wrong as anger or bitterness, those who provoke others to jealousy by their behavior may be considered guilty of creating dissension, or “poisoning society.”
A personal example illustrates the gap that may exist between Western and African expectations regarding respect. I hired a young man to key into the computer my research notes. The first day of work he addressed me with the title Doctor. I told him I preferred that he not use that title but could just use my name. Although he worked for me for over a year, he never again addressed me with any name or title. He always found a way to interact with me without using my name. Why? My conclusion was that he was unable to show me the respect I deserved and could not bring himself to treat me in a way that for him would have been disrespectful. Our difficult working relationship was, I believe, partially tied to the respect issue. As an employee he vacillated from being overly respectful to impudent, because he could not determine how to interact respectfully with me.
Sometimes a Westerner develops a personal friendship with an African colleague. The African may even suggest that they address each other by first names. They may joke and be very relaxed together in private. However, the Westerner needs to remember to show adequate respect when in public. When Africans observe familiarity shown by the Westerner, if they do not know of their personal relationship involved, they may well interpret it as a lack of respect. Even if they do know of their friendship, they may in any case consider the informality to be humiliating. This is especially true if the person involved is of high status or position.
Americans value informality as a way of showing humility, and so tend to be very informal in the way they use names, overlook titles, and behave in other areas of relationships. For instance, some American parents encourage their children to address them and other elders by their first names. Few American men would have any reservations about singing a duet with their daughter, playing on the same team as their son, or sharing food with their children. Many Africans may interpret this informality as a refusal on the part of children to show proper respect.
So for Westerners coming from a background of informal personal interactions, not only must they learn how to show respect, they must also learn to graciously receive and accept respect from others. Most Americans are uncomfortable when someone kneels in front of them when they greet them, or when they request something. But they do not realize that to deny others the ability to show due respect, is itself a kind of disrespect.
Following are examples of Westerners misunderstanding issues of respect. The domestic help (read maid) of a Western woman told her that as the employer she should not be in the kitchen, that doing the cooking was too difficult for her. The Western woman took this to mean that the domestic help considered her weak or not a good cook, and she reacted negatively. But the domestic help was only trying to show respect to her employer. She thought that cooking and kitchen work were beneath the dignity of the Western woman, that she should not be doing menial work, but office work or other “higher status” activity. The domestic help’s implicit compliment was misunderstood, as the Westerner was not attuned to African issues of respect.
Another example is when the domestic help told a Western woman who had been out bike riding that she looked sweaty from the bike trip and didn’t handle the heat very well. Again, the Westerner took this negatively, assuming that the comment was meant to imply that the Western woman was frail and inferior. The reality was quite the opposite. The comment was just a recognition that the Western woman was of status, and such women do not exert themselves physically, and should not expose themselves to conditions they are not used to. The domestic help was merely expressing respect.38
38 T. Savage 1996:2–4.
Sometimes the issue of respect appears in unexpected situations. Another domestic account is a case in point. Expatriates often hire domestic workers to do a variety of household tasks, including the laundry. Often there is no clothes dryer so clothes are hung outdoors on a clothesline, including underwear, and bras. In many African countries underwear is never hung where others may see it as this may be very offensive. In fact, in some African cultures men and children are responsible for washing their own underwear. Underwear is considered to be so personal that others should not handle it, above all if it is spotted with blood. The seriousness of this taboo becomes apparent where touching blood requires a sacrifice to the spirits to restore ritual purity.
Often the domestic help is male. If so, their tasks usually include doing the laundry, including underwear. They may go along with this in order to maintain employment, but it can be shameful for them. They may lose the respect of their peers if they become aware of it. In one instance where a man hung out underwear, he was treated with scorn. His friends said, “Not even women hang out underwear, but you do it. You are less than a woman.” One way to determine if these customs and taboos apply to any locale is to observe the clothes that are put out to dry in the neighborhood, and see if underwear is ever shown in public.39 People may not tell you directly about such sensitive subjects, so personal research may be more accurate than the answers people give you.