Feeling Better. Cindy Goodman Stulberg

first conversation started slowly and awkwardly. Eventually I asked him what it was like to communicate without words. How did it make him feel? How did it benefit him? How did it affect other people? How did they feel? What effect did their feelings have on him?

      By the end of our time together, he was able to recognize the benefits and costs of communicating more assertively. In the short term, he was risking rejection and loss of control, but in the long term connecting with others and expressing his needs made him feel better. And the icing on the interpersonal cake? He didn’t have to see me anymore.

      How’s That Working for You?

      Our feelings may come to us automatically, but our behavior is a choice.

      It’s possible to consciously change your interpersonal style to suit certain situations or relationships. It’s even possible to change your interpersonal style altogether. But it’s darn hard. It takes a lot of courage, commitment, and practice, and it’s not something anyone can do in one week.

      Modifying your interpersonal style is an experiment, not a personality overhaul. It’s like trying on a new outfit that’s not your usual look. You’re going to feel uncomfortable at first. Your instinct may be to take it off as fast as possible and throw it on the “What was I thinking?” pile. You can do that — but the outfit you’ve always worn probably doesn’t make you feel so great either. So what do you have to lose? Wear the new outfit once, in front of a person you trust. What happens? How does the person react? How does that make you feel? If it doesn’t make you feel better, you can always go back to your old wardrobe.

      Remember Drea, the fashion model who lashed out when people didn’t play by the rules? After working with Ron for a few weeks, she recognized that her aggressive interpersonal style was impacting her career, so she bravely decided to try a different style on for size.

      TRY THIS: Trying on a new interpersonal style is like experimenting with a new look. Show it to one person, and see how you feel.

      She got the opportunity at a shoot where she was supposed to jump into a pool. She hit the water, and it was absolutely freezing — the latest example of a client tricking her in order to capture a spontaneous reaction on camera. Drea had a split second before she surfaced to make a choice. Should she use her old style (burn them with anger) or try a new style (play it cool)? She opted to coolly let the people on the shoot know that the freezing pool wasn’t something she had agreed to and that she was very unhappy.

      At her next appointment, Ron asked Drea how it felt to use the new interpersonal style.

      “It felt weird,” she admitted. “I didn’t get the immediate rush I usually get. I had to wait until the shoot was over to get my feelings out, and even then I had to stay calm.”

      Ron asked how she felt later.

      “I felt pretty good,” she said. “Usually people get really defensive with me, which makes me even madder. But this time, they apologized and explained why they did it. Their excuses didn’t make things okay, but I was able to tell them that without yelling. And get this — they’ve already called me for another gig.”

      Turns out they’d expected her to throw a hissy fit over the cool pool. When she didn’t, she earned a new level of respect — from others and from herself.

      If you’re ready to try a different interpersonal style, you’ll need to put your interactions under the microscope. Choose a situation and break it down, moment by moment, feeling by feeling. Then imagine a different outcome. How could you handle a similar situation differently next time, so you — and the other person or people involved — feel better? A handy way to do this is to work through ten questions that we lovingly call “Ten Questions for Emotional Enlightenment.”

      TRY THIS: Whether you’re thinking about how you usually handle a situation or trying something new, the most important question is, “How do I feel?”

      As an example, let’s use the opening scenario from this week’s chapter: the eight pairs of kids’ shoes in the hallway. You walk in the door and see the shoes. Maybe you even trip over one. The first step is to ask yourself: How am I feeling? Are you angry? Disappointed? Ashamed? Frustrated? Hurt? Don’t say, “Okay” or “Fine.” If you’re stuck, pick one of the six F-words. If there are several feelings mixed together, focus on the feeling that’s most intense.

      The next step is to ask: What’s making me feel this way? Is it the fact that you’ve told the kids a million times before that their shoes go in the closet? Are most of the shoes your eldest son’s, and he should know better? Did you just talk to them about this yesterday? Is it just one more example of how they ignore what matters to you?

      Next, ask: How do I usually handle this? Do you squash the feeling down and remove the evidence — in this case, by cleaning up the shoes yourself? Do you try to address it with the kids right then and there? Eat a big bowl of last night’s dessert? Go somewhere private and close the world out? Or do you take some deep breaths, calm down, and make a plan to deal with the issue when the time is right?

      Step four is to ask: What happens when I handle things that way? Let’s say you usually call the kids down and yell at them. Does it start a screaming match? Do you say things you later regret? Do you end up doling out punishments that you have a hard time enforcing later? How do the kids react? Do they withdraw? Say things that hurt your feelings? Fight with each other the rest of the night? How’s that working for you? Does it change anything — and is it for the better or the worse?

      Next, we go back to feelings. Ask: How does that make me feel? Let’s say you handle a situation like the shoes by withdrawing. Do you feel better after your self-imposed time-out? Or do you spend your time alone thinking about all the ways your kids fail you or you fail them, which makes you feel sad, inadequate, incompetent, and sorry for yourself?