written on the outer edge of the page.
There are no names of people she actually sees on Becky’s circle. That can’t be right, can it? Sure, she hasn’t gone out much since Brian got sick, but she isn’t a total hermit. She runs through the past week in her head: a trip to the market, one to the corner store for snacks, a bunch of time spent lurking on Facebook, an appointment with her doctor.
Her doctor. There’s someone. She writes Dr. Singh on the second circle from the center. She also remembers saying hi to Lauren, her hairstylist, a couple of times last week. Lauren’s salon is below Becky’s apartment, and they sometimes run into each other on their way in or out. She writes “Lauren” on the same circle as her doctor, puts down her pencil, and, taking her paper with her, goes to the kitchen for the bag of chips. On her way to the cupboard she sticks her social circle on the fridge as a reminder to play Four Questions tomorrow. She’s done enough for one day.
Next morning, coffee in one hand and smartphone in the other, Becky is ready to play Four Questions with her relationships with Brian, Amber, June, and Sheree. She decides to record her thoughts on her phone to keep it real. She explores her relationship with Brian first, putting questions 2, 3, and 4 in the past tense, so that it doesn’t seem so strange to answer them:
1. How would I describe the relationship? Brian was five years older than me, and I guess we had a typical big brother–little sister relationship. He didn’t get along with Mom and Dad either, so when he got cancer, it was up to me. That’s when we actually started to get close — to put aside all the dysfunctional crap we’d learned growing up. I asked him to move in with me when he really started to go downhill. That was a very intense period in our relationship. I really didn’t do much other than take care of him.
2. What did I like about the relationship? I’m really grateful for the year we lived together, that opportunity we had to get to know each other for who we really were. Brian was a fighter, and I admired him so much — his spirit, his courage, his willpower. He fought the disease every step of the way.
3. What didn’t I like about the relationship? Nothing. There’s nothing I didn’t like about Brian. Next question?
4. What would I have liked to have been different about the relationship? I wouldn’t change anything. Except maybe I wish we’d been closer earlier in our lives. And I wish I could’ve done more for him when he was sick.
Becky stops recording. She’s emotionally exhausted and a little pissed that two of the questions asked her to think badly of Brian. Isn’t it bad luck to speak ill of the dead? Plus, there just isn’t anything to complain about where Brian is concerned.
TRY THIS: When you try something new, pat yourself on the back. Completing this exercise is worth feeling good about!
Gaining New Awareness
When you draw your social circle and play Four Questions, you’ll learn some interesting things about your relationships — and maybe about yourself — that you can build on in the weeks ahead.
A new awareness may come as you draw your circle. Maybe the circle is almost empty. Or it’s full — but of acquaintances, not friends. If a few relationships are causing you stress or sadness, that’s probably not going to come as a shock. But how any one of those relationships is impacting your circle may be a surprise, as when Kate realizes that her husband’s controlling behavior is keeping her girlfriends on the periphery.
You might gain new awareness from exploring relationships in greater detail. One of Ron’s clients whom we’ll call Drea was a fashion model. She found it hard to have close relationships throughout her life — as she put it, people were always a disappointment. She was used to not being able to count on family and friends, but when she started to have problems getting modeling gigs because clients said she was too difficult to work with, she made an appointment with Ron. Maybe interpersonal relationships weren’t important to Drea, but paying her rent was.
When she drew her circle, the only two people on it were her boyfriend and her agent. Ron asked her who was missing. Her parents — they never supported her choices. Her sister — she was a know-it-all and was never there when Drea needed her. Her clients — like that jerk who gave her a broken umbrella at the shoot the other week, just so the photographer could get her reaction when the “rain” poured right onto her head. No one played by the rules.
By drawing her circle and playing Four Questions, Drea learned how much always being right was hurting her. No one solves their problems after one week of work, but Drea’s new awareness of the connection between her behavior and her relationships set the stage for her to focus her efforts on something that would make a big difference.
Garrett, a firefighter, was feeling depressed after the high-profile deaths of two of his men. When Garrett drew his circle, there was nothing remarkable about it. It wasn’t in flux, he had supportive relationships, and there wasn’t much in the way of conflict. When he and Ron played Four Questions with the people on his circle, though, he had the same things to say about everybody, from his wife to his colleagues to the widows of the two men, whom he saw on a regular basis. “All we do is talk about the guys who died,” Garrett said. “Maybe it seems like the right thing for us to do, but I can’t move on.”
TRY THIS: Be open to the “aha” moments that happen as you complete your circle. What is your circle telling you about your relationships?
Garrett was becoming a professional mourner — and it was having a negative impact on his mood and functioning. Playing Four Questions helped Garrett realize that he was going to have to figure out a way to rewrite his role and manage people’s expectations of him if he was going to feel better.
Now It’s Your Turn
We only included one four-question example each for Ana, Becky, John, and Kate, but you’ll be completing the Four Questions exercise with four or five of the people who are part of your circle. Depending on how “into” the exercise you get and how much your depression is affecting your emotions and energy level, you may get tired. Take breaks. Do it over a few days. Better to give yourself the time and space to play Four Questions with all of your most important relationships than to get exhausted after one and stop there.
If it feels strange to ask yourself the four questions, try recording your answers, either on paper or on your phone. Or have a friend ask you the questions. Maybe they’d be willing to take notes for you too. The more you put into these exercises, the more you’ll get out of them!
If you’re having trouble identifying the first (or second, third, or fourth) relationship to examine, here are some questions that can help:
Who did you add to your social circle first? Second? The relationships that jump to mind immediately are often the important ones.
What relationship is the most challenging? What relationship do you wish was different? The tough relationships — the ones that cause you pain and are full of conflict — are good ones to look at more closely.
What relationship helps you the most? It’s useful to look at a relationship that already makes you feel better.
Did you leave your mother, father, sibling, or old friend off your circle initially? The fact that you left them off your circle may indicate there is some painful history here, and it’s worth taking a closer look.
Has anyone close to you died? It may be hard to add a person who’s died to your circle, but that death may be related to your feelings of sadness or depression.
Some relationships are so painful that you don’t want to think about them. Of course, you don’t have to. But if you keep doing what you’ve always done, which is not thinking about the relationship that bothers you, you aren’t going to feel any differently than you do now. And if you do think about the relationship, you might feel better. Eventually you’ll