at her school, Brad, to the outer ring of her circle — he may be her boss but they’ve worked closely together for years.
When it comes time to add her three closest girlfriends (Leslie, Diane, and Mona) and her yoga classmates (Suzanne, Alex, and Andrea), Kate feels sad. Since Don’s retirement, she’s found it harder to make time to see her friends and has stopped going to yoga altogether, since Don says it’s a waste of money and they need to be careful with their finances now. She wants to put them closer to her on the circle, but that’s just not the way things are right now.
TRY THIS: If there’s a relationship that you know is making you feel bad, that’s one you should definitely play Four Questions with!
Kate writes Don’s name right below hers in the middle of the circle. She can’t make a move without his being there. It’s almost like he’s suffocating her.
Kate knows that her depression is linked to the simmering conflict and outright arguments between her and Don. This isn’t the life she imagined when Don retired, and it’s definitely affecting her mood.
Here’s how she plays Four Questions with her relationship with Don:
1. How would I describe the relationship? We’ve been married for twenty-seven years, moving around the country in the earlier years as Don built his career. Most of it’s been great. We did all the typical couple things: bought houses, raised kids, went on holidays, and enjoyed hobbies. Each of us had our own career, and for most of the marriage we each had a lot of independence. Since Don retired, though, he’s become more and more involved in my day-to-day life. I never really questioned marrying an older man until now. It’s only been since Don retired that I’ve felt we’re out of step with each other.
2. What do I like about the relationship? Don is a good father and faithful partner. When he was working, he had an interesting life outside of the one we shared together.
3. What don’t I like about the relationship? I feel handcuffed to Don — everywhere I am, he’s there too, asking what we’re doing together that day, texting me endlessly at work, interrogating me about how I’m spending my time, offering his two cents on what I should buy, and complaining about things that before his retirement he never even knew I did. Yes, I married a police officer, but I certainly never expected to feel under investigation myself.
4. What would I like to be different about the relationship? I want things to go back to the way they were B.R. — before retirement. I want my independence back. I want the judgment and micromanaging to stop.
John’s Circle: “People Just Piss Me Off”
John finds it pretty easy to draw his circle. Near his name he puts his older brother, Tom, and his mom and dad. Tom is definitely the sibling John gets along with best. Tom’s wife, Greta, and their son, Riley, are also close to the center. Lisa, Karen, and Kim — John’s three sisters — say and do such stupid and unfair things that John is forever arguing with them or giving them the cold shoulder. So Tom is close to the middle, and the rest of his siblings? To hell with ’em.
John’s dad mostly ignores him. His mom can’t seem to do anything but nag and criticize. He realizes they’re old and have helped him out by letting him live with them, but they could include him on occasion when they go out for dinner or let him know that his siblings are coming over, so he doesn’t make other plans.
John has one buddy, Mark, whom he used to work with, but they haven’t spoken in a while. His ex-girlfriend, Isabelle, has been married for years now. John would love to have a girlfriend but lacks confidence around women. It’s been so long since he dated, he wouldn’t even know where to start.
John works at a local Chinese restaurant doing deliveries, so he puts his manager, Devon, and coworkers Ben and Alex on the circle too. Alex makes John’s life really difficult. The rule at work is that drivers take turns claiming deliveries, so that they each have an equal opportunity for tips. But Alex will often call out that it’s his order when John is up next. And that’s just one example of Alex’s bad behavior. John could go on and on.
John has confronted his manager about Alex many times, but Devon is just about as much trouble as Alex. John is grateful he was hired, and Devon was nice at the start, but now he dismisses John’s complaints and routinely tells him to “give it up” and “just do the job.” It goes against everything John believes in. Rules are meant to be enforced, and all employees should be treated fairly.
TRY THIS: When no one can do right by you, sometimes the best thing you can do is to let them be wrong and work on having it bother you less. Keep reading to find out how!
John’s biggest problem is definitely with Alex, so he decides to play Four Questions with that relationship first. Next in line will be Tom, his mom, his dad, and his manager.
1. How would I describe the relationship? I usually see Alex three or four days a week when we work the same shifts. And that’s about all we have in common. Alex is in his twenties, and I’m forty. Alex talks about cars and sports and porn — and I’m not interested in any of those things. Alex lives with his girlfriend, and I live with my parents. See? Nothing in common.
2. What do I like about the relationship? I don’t like anything about Alex on his own. If I’m forced to answer this, I guess there are times when Alex, Ben, and I joke around when the restaurant isn’t too busy, and it’s fun. But not because of Alex.
3. What don’t I like about the relationship? How about everything. I hate that Alex is so disrespectful and treats me like I’m not even there. His arrogance and rudeness make me so mad. He’s a lot younger than me, but acts like he knows everything. He’s a show-off and a bully and never follows the rules. He’s turned bugging me into another one of his sports. Sometimes I get so mad I could punch him.
4. What would I like to be different about the relationship? I want Alex to do what he’s supposed to and not be such a smartass. I’d be happy if he just left me alone — we don’t have to be friends.
Becky’s Circle: When Someone You Love Has Died
At first, Becky feels energized by the social-circle project — she’s all but abandoned her art since Brian died, and this seems like a perfect opportunity for some creative expression. But now that it’s time to start, she can only stare at the pile of magazines, paint tubes, markers, string, and the blank white piece of bristol board in front of her. Why did she think she could do this? What if her work sucks? How is this going to make things better anyway?
She sweeps her supplies onto the floor, and the tears start flowing. After five minutes of hard crying, she’s exhausted.
So now what? No one says she has to do this — at least not today. She can just leave the crap on the floor and go for a nap.
But what if she gives it a go?
She takes a deep breath, grabs a piece of paper and a pencil, and quickly draws three barely round circles, one inside the other. Forget the paint and string. This is her circle, unplugged.
She puts Brian on the circle first, right above her in the center. Before he died, she ate, drank, slept, and breathed her brother and his illness. But the rest of the circle is hard. Names come easily. Writing them down hurts. She hasn’t spoken to her parents since she moved out at seventeen. And it’s been more than a year since she’s seen her three best friends, Amber, June, and Sheree. Wow. They used to be inseparable. What happened? The tears start coming again. Everything feels broken. Maybe she should take that nap. Or watch some Netflix and eat a big bag of salt and vinegar chips. That never makes her feel better for long, though. Stuff may be broken, but you don’t have to fix it today, she reminds herself.
Becky quickly writes Amber, June,