prompted the feeling. Anger and happiness, in contrast, prompt us to engage with people. Anger, when expressed outwardly, usually leads to confrontation. Happiness makes us want to stick around and keep the feeling alive.
PEP TALK: We’re going to ask you to name your feelings a lot. So you might as well make it your new mantra: “How am I feeling? How am I feeling? How am I feeling?”
Naming Feelings
Naming feelings can be a challenge. It’s easier to describe the event or situation as if we were recounting the plot of a movie or giving the play-by-play of a game — “We were in the car, he said this, then I said that” — but that’s telling the story of what happened, not how we were feeling about it.
It’s also common to answer the question “How do you feel?” with words like, “Okay” or “Fine.” (Think of the last time someone asked, “How are you?” You probably said, “Fine.” That response is culturally programmed!) “Okay” and “fine” aren’t real feelings. They’re statements of degree. If you’re okay or fine, you’re saying your feelings aren’t bothering you that much, but you aren’t saying what those feelings are.
Sometimes people will say, “I don’t know how I feel.” That’s understandable. Feelings can be messy, confusing, and changeable, and naming them isn’t a skill that we’re taught very often. In fact, naming feelings is sometimes actively discouraged in some families and communities.
One of Ron’s clients grew up in an abusive family where he wasn’t allowed to express any feelings. When Ron asked him what happiness was, he said he knew what it was intellectually. “I can pretend to be happy, Dr. Frey,” he admitted. “I can play the role. But I don’t actually know what it feels like.” Not many of us will be starting from square one, like Ron’s client. But almost all of us need to practice identifying how we’re feeling.
PEP TALK: Naming feelings is a skill we can learn. Be patient, and don’t forget to practice.
If you’re having a hard time naming your feelings, it can help to pinpoint where in your body you experience different emotions. Disgust is often felt in the belly or the throat. Many people feel fear as a tightness in the chest. Does your face feel hot when you’re angry? Do you feel a heaviness across your shoulders when you’re sad? Do you get headaches after arguing with your husband? Or feel tired after talking about the death of your sister? Maybe your back stops hurting when you’re going to see your grandchildren. All of these are physical expressions of emotions. Tune in to these physical signs, and you may unlock your body’s unique language of feelings.
Sometimes the problem isn’t naming the feelings; it’s knowing which ones, from the overwhelming jumble, are contributing to your depression.
Ana, for example, is resentful that her husband, Peter, gets to go to work and envies his adult conversations and his free time. When he has to work late, she misses him and feels tired and frustrated. She’s lonely most days and feels disappointment that her mom can’t come from Texas to visit because of Ana’s dad’s illness. She’s annoyed and humiliated by her know-it-all mother-in-law’s judgmental surprise visits. She’s anxious about whether she’s taking care of Ruby properly. In a single day, Ana feels happy, uncertain, inadequate, puzzled, confused, scared, excited, loving, and angry. The emotional roller coaster is exhausting.
Our advice to those struggling to name their feelings is to keep it simple. There are only six F-words. Are you feeling angry? Sad? Happy? Surprised? Disgusted? Afraid? After a while you may be able to say you feel furious, jealous, or frustrated instead of just “angry” or anxious, worried or alarmed instead of simply “afraid.” But for now, just choose one of the six. In Ana’s case, focusing on an overriding, general feeling that is affecting her mood (anger, perhaps) rather than on the minute-by-minute changes she experiences will help her figure out what she can do to help herself feel better.
TRY THIS: Keep your feeling list simple at the start. You don’t have to say you feel furious or frustrated or jealous — just say you’re angry.
There are hundreds of words in English to describe feelings. This diversity, which makes for interesting conversations and evocative writing, can make it a challenge to identify an overall feeling when we’re looking for a starting point to feel better.
A few of the words in the chart on the next page fit in more than one category. “Offended” could go under “angry” as well as “disgusted.” “Disillusioned” belongs just as much under “sad” as it does under “surprised.” What matters more than where we list the feeling is what’s causing it. Or, even better, who’s contributing to it.
FEELING WORDS
ANGRY
Aggravated
Agitated
Annoyed
Bitter
Cheated
Displeased
Dissatisfied
Enraged
Envious
Exasperated
Frustrated
Furious
Grumpy
Impatient
Incensed
Indignant
Irate
Irritated
Jealous
Offended
Outraged
Provoked
Resentful
Wrathful
SAD
Alienated
Apathetic
Ashamed
Bored
Defeated
Dejected
Depressed
Despairing
Disappointed
Discontented
Disillusioned
Gloomy
Glum
Grieving
Homesick
Hopeless
Hurt
Ignored
Indifferent
Isolated
Left out
Listless
Lonely
Melancholy
Neglected
Pitiful
Rejected
Remorseful
Sorrowful
Unhappy
Unloved
Weary
Worthless
SURPRISED
Amazed
Astonished
Astounded
Bewildered
Disbelieving
Disillusioned
Dumbfounded
In awe
Shocked
Startled
DISGUSTED