1.Write down all of the reasons this may not be a great match. Here is a hint. We all bring our own troubles to a relationship. If you cannot identify the ones your new lover brings, you are too far under love’s chemical spell to make any sensible decisions.
2.Make an objective list of qualities you want in your life partner. For you, how important is a sense of purpose, humor, humility, loyalty, and flexibility in an intimate relationship? How important is a willingness to take responsibility for one’s behavior and engage in the emotional work you’ll need to do together to develop and nurture wholehearted love? Be as tough-minded as you can here. Does your list match up with the qualities of the person you’re dating?
3.Become aware of your partner’s relationship history. Listen carefully to how your partner talks about family and former partners. Watch how your partner manages conflict and acknowledges — or fails to acknowledge — personal mistakes.
4.When others note red flags, pay attention. Don’t get defensive. Do your best to listen openly to the perspectives of those who care about you.
Stage Two, Doubt and Denial: Don’t Let Fear Get the Best of You
The transition from Stage One to Stage Two may feel like a creeping cold, or it may feel like sudden food poisoning. You have arrived in the power struggle. As my mentor Dr. Harville Hendrix says, The Merge feels like “We two are one”; Stage Two is more like “We two are one, and I am the one!” But don’t panic. What your relationship is going through is not necessarily unhealthy, and it’s not likely terminal. Infatuation isn’t meant to last forever. We fall in love, but we don’t fall into good relationships. Like it or not, we have to work at them. They take practice, patience, and intention.
Here’s your Stage Two to-do list:
1.Understand that power struggles are a normal relationship process and not the end of love. Research shows each couple has a handful of irresolvable issues, and the difference between couples who thrive and those who don’t make it is how they manage those issues. Learn to fight fair, making use of the core communication skills (found in Chapters 9 through 12) and practicing the daily gestures of caring behavior (Chapter 13). Those go a long way to counter the power struggles you’ll inevitably face.
Ultimately, most arguments are about disconnection rather than the actual topic you’re arguing about. For example, let’s say one of you wants to live in the city while the other longs for country life. Objectively, you have a disagreement to work out. But the real pain creeps in when both of you become so entrenched in your positions that you become sarcastic, mean-spirited adversaries who place winning above all rather than teammates trying to work out a problem together. The first priority is to treat each other with care and respect. If you fail to do that, “winning” the battle will be a hollow and damaging victory.
At the same time, it’s vital to recognize the difference between healthy disagreement and unhealthy control issues. In the former, we hold genuinely different points of view on something — how to do dishes, how much to disclose about our relationship to other people, how much time to spend together or apart — and are willing to consider the other’s viewpoint. In the latter situation, we insist on our own way and can’t let go of our need to dominate the situation.
2.Keep up the loving behavior. It’s like putting money in the bank. When Cupid’s potion has worn off, the real work of love begins. You’ll need to regularly check in with your partner about what’s going on in your relationship, bestowing on him or her the sustaining gift of affection and reaching for your higher self in the face of conflict. Don’t stop expressing care, kindness, and goodwill even as you start to encounter major differences and arguments.
Think of three ways to be generous that don’t compromise you, even when you are disappointed or angry. Examples may be filling your partner’s car with gas, cleaning up after dinner when it’s not your turn, or genuinely wishing your partner a good day when you part company in the morning. Do these often, whether you’re feeling good or bad about your relationship on a given day.
3.Learn your love languages. According to bestselling author Dr. Gary Chapman, everyone has a particular way they most enjoy receiving love. There are five so-called love languages: tangible gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, and physical touch. (You’ll find a full guide to the love languages in Chapter 13.) Spend some time with your partner figuring out which love language each of you most needs and start to incorporate this knowledge into your everyday interactions. If your partner values words, make a point of telling him how you appreciate and care about him. If you most love quality time, make sure your partner knows, so that she can devote more attention to the date nights you cherish.
Remember times you have expressed caring in your style (maybe with a gift or with words in a text or email), and it wasn’t received in the way you hoped it would be. Think about times your partner has reached out to you in their caring style (maybe by doing the laundry or putting air in the tires), and you discounted this as not heartfelt enough. There’s no need to do anything about this other than observe with loving-kindness that most of us “give what we want to get” and mark this as something to learn from.
4.Ask yourself if you are staying on your own mat. In yoga, we’re taught the importance of “staying on our own yoga mat” — not concerning ourselves with how well (or badly) other participants are holding their poses. The teaching translates beautifully into our relationships: instead of pointing an outraged finger at your partner when problems arise, work on understanding your own triggers (triggers can be seen as automatic stress reactions stemming from our past experiences).
Stretch
1.Acknowledge your triggers. As you begin to understand how you’re responding to your partner’s actions — and how you yourself may be contributing to conflicts — bring up these areas of tension with your partner and focus on your own experience. (Example: “I realize I get hurt when you want to spend time alone. I know that’s a trigger for me.”) Ask your partner for help instead of launching into criticism.
2.Acknowledge the ways you try to grab power in your relationship. Think about the ways you push your viewpoint on your partner, try to get your way, and discount the other point of view as childish, unreasonable, or just plain wrong. Can you acknowledge when winning becomes more important to you than playing fair?
Stage Three, Disillusionment: Clear the Air and Create Space
During The Merge, the brain notices only the positive and avoids anything that challenges that view. In the Disillusionment stage, by contrast, the brain zeroes in on the relationship’s deficiencies and disappointments. If something goes right, the brain slides right by it. Things are still terrible. The end is near!
As in Stage One, in this stage of Disillusionment you must remember that what you’re experiencing isn’t the whole truth. Take steps to “de-smog” your vision, all the while taking good and gentle care of yourself.
Here’s your Stage Three to-do list:
1.Nurture the relationship even as you stand your ground. As frustrated and sluggish as you might feel, now is the time to devote even more energy to your relationship. Make time to enhance your communication and connection skills. Try to reframe your thinking to see trouble as an opening to understanding, empathy, and a closer connection with both yourself and your partner. Importantly, don’t stop practicing goodwill. For example, my husband has made me a latte every morning for the entire length of our marriage. Some mornings, he brings it to me with a kiss; other mornings, he gives it to me silently. Once in a while, he puts it way over on my dresser rather than the nightstand, so I have to reach for it. But come hell or high water, that cup of latte is there every morning.
2.Stop pushing problems under the rug. Of course you’re exasperated by repetitious and fruitless arguments; understandably, you’d rather just stay grimly silent than get into another heated exchange with your partner. Too often, we avoid dealing with our issues not out of