carpet leaves much to trip over.
It’s absolutely essential to learn how to listen to our partner’s grievances and speak up about our own. In healthy relationships, there are no lumps hidden under the rug; instead, we should manage conflict in a timely way that ensures problems aren’t shoved underground, where they can fester and develop into ugly lasting resentments. Pay particular attention to the DTR exercise in Chapter 13 as a simple and effective way to manage these inevitable annoyances.
Stretch
1.Practice affection when upset. Can you feel angry and be aware that something isn’t working that you need to talk about — but still go to dinner and a movie together? Try holding hands, expressing appreciation, or celebrating your partner’s success even during an unresolved power struggle.
2.Create boundaries without closing your heart. By this stage, you’re often interacting with your partner from a chronically defensive position. “You’re pissed off that I’ve done this? What about all the times you’ve done that?” Instead of trying to one-up your partner, explore the possibility of creating limits and looking after yourself without closing your heart. What would that look like? Can you say no to something and still be kind? “At the moment I’m not comfortable having dinner with your colleagues, because we are going through such a tense time. I really want to support you in your new job, so let’s talk about it in a few months after we get through this.”
3.Acknowledge your part. As power struggles between you and your partner mount, practice the counterintuitive move of turning your attention away from your partner’s transgressions and toward your own role in causing the rift. Use this difficult period to develop this self-reflective response to conflict. For example, “I know my own sensitivity to feeling abandoned made it even harder for me when you decided to have lunch with your friend Saturday and not hang out like we planned.” There’s always a way of making a piece of conflict about you without denying your partner’s role.
4.Protect yourself. Never forget that your negative emotions arise for a reason. They often signal when something’s wrong, whether the issue is minor or serious. If you are in danger — for example, if your partner is physically abusive — take immediate measures to protect yourself and your family. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. If there are issues of addiction, untreated depression, or an undisclosed affair, it’s essential to get outside support.
Stage Four, The Decision: Do the Work
You’re at a crossroads. If something doesn’t change, you’ll have to leave the relationship. The “right” decision cannot come from me or any book. It can only come from within, after you take the time to truly understand what’s become dysfunctional in your relationship. You will need to align the information in your rational brain, the feelings in your heart, and the instinct in your gut to make the best decision about the relationship.
Even if you’re on the brink of walking out the door, I encourage you to take the time to pause, breathe, and try to understand what went wrong before you leave. Sometimes people are stuck in the power struggle, and once they work to get unstuck, they can restore their love. Even if this isn’t the case, spending time figuring out what happened will help to ensure you don’t end up in the same type of relationship in the future, repeating the same painful unworkable patterns.
Moreover, you can leave a relationship wholeheartedly — and all of us should strive for this when we’re heading toward a breakup. In the short term, it may feel more satisfying to sling blame, but ignoring your own culpability and hurting your partner on the way out will cost you your own well-being in the long run. Saying goodbye is always painful, but to be able to wish your ex-partner well and to acknowledge your own part in the breakup will free you from repeating many of the same patterns. (We’ll talk more about wholehearted breakups in Chapter 15.)
Here’s your Stage Four to-do list:
1.Prioritize self-care. You’re in a fragile place right now, so taking care of yourself — even more than usual — is your top priority. Eat well, exercise regularly (even if all you can manage is a short walk), meditate, pray, or take an art class. Reinvest in hobbies that make you feel good, such as music or reading, and dedicate time to being with your friends. Find a therapist, life coach, or support group. These activities will take you out of your negative context and help you to gradually reconnect with your essential aliveness.
2.Understand your role in your relationship’s deterioration. We’re all human, which means we all have unhealthy patterns and ways of protecting ourselves that aren’t mindful of others’ pain or the trouble we cause them. Sometimes a small change on your part can have an almost magically positive effect on the relationship. For example, try expressing a few words of appreciation for something positive your partner has done, even though you may be feeling disconnected most of the time.
3.Slow down. Don’t let impulses and knee-jerk reactions rule you. Before reacting, give yourself time to fully register your needs and desires. For example, you may think you want to leave your partner when what you really want is to escape the pain of a stagnant relationship or a seemingly never-ending power struggle over the same infuriating things. If you can give yourself enough “break time” to soothe yourself and regain some measure of calm, you can begin to assess whether there’s something to salvage from your troubled partnership. Stay aware and deliberate. Leave the room, call a friend, or do some yoga or other exercise.
Stretch
Trust the process. If you’re not sure what to do next, then practice patience. Let go of the outcome until it becomes clear. In the meantime, just keep doing the work — investigating your own feelings, acknowledging your contributions to the problems, and identifying your true desires. The answer will emerge.
Stage Five, Wholehearted Love: Keep Practicing
First off, congratulations! If you’ve arrived at this stage, you and your partner are in a deeply rewarding place of caring and connectedness. That isn’t to say Stage Five comes without challenges. Like deep meditative awareness or the perfect yoga session, wholeheartedness is a joyful experience but not a permanent one. It’s a place we can sometimes contact and live from, no question. But for every one of us, wholehearted love is an ongoing practice that demands daily intentions, daily actions, and daily choices.
Here’s your Stage Five to-do list:
1.Practice, practice, practice. All the skills you’ve developed as you’ve moved through the other stages — grounding yourself in reality, addressing conflicts directly, creating healthy boundaries, and investing in doing the work — are the same skills that will keep you on the path to wholeheartedness.
2.Nourish yourself. Wholehearted love requires both partners to continually sustain their own wholeness, in addition to meeting the needs of the relationship. In many ways, the relationship itself is a tool for cultivating each individual’s own personal growth. Remember to continue investing in your own passions, self-care rituals, self-exploration, and inner work, whatever that might mean for you. Gently encourage your partner to do the same. Help each other grow into better versions of yourselves in all sectors of your lives.
3.Relish the journey. Humor, playfulness, and spontaneity will be your friends in this stage. Use them freely as you continue to learn and expand with your partner. Be ready to laugh at yourselves, as Tim and I do when we suddenly realize we’re having the same ancient, ridiculous argument about how to do the dishes. For us, the difference is that it’s now about a 1 on the scale of annoyance rather than a 10. Chapter 16 explores the bridges toward wholehearted love, and I urge you to take some time to explore them.
4.Know that there will always be new challenges. Hurdles are not signs something is wrong. Living life, even from a place of wholeheartedness, is like walking through a labyrinth. You find detours, twists, and turns, and just when you think you’re near the center, you come across another detour you didn’t expect. Sometimes, though, when you think you are a long way