police detective. “We're so sorry for your loss.”
Suddenly an irony struck me. Less than a month before, I had delivered to our publisher a book on forgiveness written by Mike McCullough, Steve Sandage, and myself called To Forgive Is Human. I couldn't help asking myself, Who did I write that book for? Was the book for other people? Did its lessons apply to me as well? My anger didn't like the answers.
Uncomfortably, I began to try to apply the five lessons (REACH) we had taught others about the difficult work of forgiveness. At the heart of forgiveness is a feeling of empathy for the person who has wronged a victim. Could I for a moment put my rage on hold and recall the hurt more objectively? Could I experience a sense of empathy for the youth who had murdered my mother? I knew I couldn't merely conjure up a feeling of empathy. Empathy develops out of vivid recall of the circumstances, but from the point of view of the wrongdoer instead of the person harmed.
So, I began to imagine what it must have been like for two youths to stand outside a suburban home and think about the perfect robbery they intended to commit. It was New Year's Eve. Dark house. No car in the driveway. They could be assured that no one would be back until after midnight.
Suddenly prickles of fear might have raced up his spine. “What are you doing in here?” my mother might have said, voice taut with outrage and fear. He probably wheeled around and thought, Oh no, I've been seen. This wasn't supposed to happen. This was supposed to be a perfect robbery. This old woman is going to put me in jail.
In the grasp of his own emotions, he probably struck out quickly with the crowbar still resting in his hand, striking her on the cheek. She spun as she fell back. He struck her across the back and shoulders. She rolled onto her back, and consumed with fear and anger he delivered the third blow to her temple.
He might have thought What have I done? “This was supposed to be a perfect robbery,” he might have whined plaintively to his buddy. “Now I've killed this old lady.” Frustration and anger replaced the shock and fear. He began to act out his rage. He assaulted her with a wine bottle. Then he began to throw objects. With the crowbar, he shattered the mirror above the bookcase—the mirror that had seen his shameful act. Every mirror in the house was shattered.
I could understand and even feel with the youth the horror of what he had done.
Follow-Up to the Story: Helping Oneself Heals Others
So, I began to talk about forgiveness at conventions. At one convention, one woman hung back. She said, “I am the mother of a youth who broke into a woman's house and murdered her when the robbery was discovered.” She looked so forlorn that my heart went out to her. She said “They hold my husband and me accountable for what our son did. We raised him as a Christian boy. But his crowd at school led him down a dark path.” I murmured an inadequate understanding. “Our friends have rejected us. Frankly, when you began to talk I expected more condemnation. I almost walked out. I've been pretty disillusioned with people.” She was close to tears. Bitterness was barely below the surface. “I think the forgiveness you demonstrated today may have turned my life around. When I heard you describe what the robbery might have been like from the point of view of the boy who committed the murder, I felt that it is possible that people might someday understand. My faith in humans is restored. I think I can begin to forgive the people who hurt me.”
Writing can be a very powerful way of opening channels within yourself for forgiveness. It can help you become clearer about what's blocking you and even help you identify who is unforgiven and why. Please get some paper and a pen or go to your computer, and let's begin.
Exercise: Who Did Something within the Past Year That Hurt or Harmed You?
This is the first of many forgiveness exercises that will help you begin to release negative feelings, grudges, hurts, guilt, and resentments and to shift your perspective. You may think you already know who you need to forgive, but as you work you may be very surprised at who and what you hold a grievance toward.
Journaling Experience 1: Last Year
Choose one person within the past year that did something that you felt hurt or harmed by and whose actions (or inactions) triggered feelings of anger, guilt, resentment, sadness, or anxiety. It could also be a circumstance that happened seemingly beyond your control. Please spend five or more minutes writing down your feelings, beliefs, and experiences in your journal.
Throughout the book I have included sample responses and journal entries from my client April, so you can see how someone else worked through the exercises. Here's April's first contribution:
APRIL'S RESPONSE
I would say in the last year the person who hurt me most was my grandmom. I had always been pretty close to her, and when my dad died, I began to see a different side. Perhaps it was something I never noticed before, or maybe my dad's death was too much for her. Things just changed. It seemed she wanted less and less to do with my sisters and me. When I finally moved out of my old house, she barely wished me well, and I haven't heard from her since. She even told my sister that I was a thief for taking my dad's bed that I had been using for two years and said, “We'll all have our judgment day.” That hurt. I never took anything from her. I did whatever she needed me to do to help her, and in the end I guess it wasn't enough.
Journaling Experience 2: Earlier in Life
Now choose another person who did something that you felt hurt or harmed by, but this time when you were much younger, perhaps in your childhood or teenage years, and whose actions (or inactions) triggered feelings of anger, guilt, resentment, sadness, or anxiety. It could also be a circumstance that happened seemingly beyond your control. Please spend five or more minutes writing down your feelings, beliefs, and experiences.
APRIL'S RESPONSE
This is something I've brought up a few times, but my mom is someone who hurt me when I was a child. I was too young to fully understand, but I knew she was leaving and I knew how sad it made my dad, so that made me sad, too. We didn't have a very good relationship when I was growing up. I always felt like if I didn't make the [effort], I didn't see her. I used to get mad because she always seemed to put down my dad and my older sisters, which I didn't think was right. I have come a long way with her since then.
Journaling Experience 3: Yourself
Now I would like you to focus on yourself. Pick a situation or circumstance, preferably from the past year, though earlier would be all right, too, in which you did something for which you judged yourself harshly, criticized yourself, or just held a grievance or attack thought against yourself. Please spend five or more minutes writing down your feelings, beliefs, and experiences.
APRIL'S RESPONSE
It has been a little more than a year, but this is one specific time I think about often, the day my dad died. I always replay everything in my head from that day. I blamed myself for a very long time. I felt like if I pushed him to go to the doctors more, or pushed him to eat better, he would still be here. I thought that maybe if I came downstairs just a few minutes sooner, he would be here. I know I shouldn't think this way, but I have for a long time.
Using Affirmations
Now I want you to go back and reflect on any positive benefits you may have experienced because of these experiences, interactions, and