and meaningful to everyone. If something I say bugs you, try to let it roll off your heart in a gentle way. I offer you the following word to say in response to anything you may find here that falls outside your own set of beliefs: Swaha, which is a Sanskrit word that means “so be it.”
When tending sacred fires in India, Brahmin priests sing mantras as they make offerings of rice, ghee, and flowers. At the end of each mantra, they intone “Swahaaaa!” as the offering is dramatically, lovingly thrown into the sacred fire. This moves me every time I hear it, because it feels as if they are saying: “Dear sacred fire, I release this to you with love!” So, please throw whatever doesn't work for you in this book into the sacred fire.
Chapter 1
WAKE UP YOUR SUPERHERO
A hero is someone who has given his or her life to something bigger than oneself.
Joseph Campbell, The Hero's Journey
It was my first betrayal. As soon as I discovered the intricate web of lies he had spun over the course of two years, I broke it off with the man I will refer to here as Mr. X. This breakup brought me to my knees. I thought I knew better. I thought I was better—better at being me, at relationships, at being aware. After many years of diligently working on myself—alone and in partnership, in and out of long-term relationships—this dramatic ending left me stunned. I thought I had done it all. I was a personal-growth ninja, for God's sake, starting in young adulthood with meditation, then individual and group therapies, then off to an ever-burgeoning and juicy spiritual practice, followed by intense personal-growth workshops, more meditation, more spiritual work, more deep dives at every opportunity. What, oh what, had I missed that had left me in this state?
Most of us have been burned at some point in our lives, left in a pile of ash by some life-altering loss. Somehow, just as in a cartoon, the little bits of nearly weightless ash, helped by a gentle breeze, become more weighted and gather into a semblance of human form again. And we carry on.
Is my head on straight? Can I put weight on both legs? Do I look human from the back, too?
Several days after I broke it off with Mr. X, I ventured out of the house with my not-so-fully formed self, acting as if I were back to normal. But I wasn't. I was walking in Old Pasadena, a rather sparkly shopping area in Southern California, hoping that the tiniest bit of its shine would rub off on me. I felt dull, gray, hunched over physically and mentally. I looked across the street at a couple who caught my eye. At that moment, the man spontaneously grabbed the woman's face between his two hands and kissed her. Mr. X used to do this—kiss me with wild abandon in public—and I loved it. He once twirled me around and dipped me dramatically in a grand hallway in Vegas and asked me to marry him. I love grand romantic gestures and, normally, witnessing any couple's private moment of bliss from across a busy street would have made me smile. But it didn't. Instead I thought: “I wonder what lies he's telling her.”
That bit of inner dialogue was my wake-up call. I knew that if I didn't start working on the internal filters creating this jaded worldview, I would never be able to open my heart fully again.
But how could I heal? I felt as if my heart and mind were on fire with incessant negative chatter: “What about that time?” “How about that woman?” “Where was he that night, that day, that afternoon?” “Did he mean it when he said that?” My thoughts were consumed with the betrayal, the many lies, as if pointing my finger at any one detail would take away the pain. But something inside me remembered that wise old saying: “When you point a finger, there are three fingers pointing back at you.”
That first step I took—recognizing my own role in this state of affairs—required an inner strength that came from the yet-unrecognized Superhero of Love inside me. I forced my pointing finger back so that it pointed in the right direction—toward me. I had work to do. Me. My work. It had nothing to do with him. So, I got to work. I reached out for support and I made a commitment to be open to whatever came my way that could help me on the path to healing.
You may not believe this, but there are people all around you right now who want to help you. People really do have a natural instinct to help one another. You may not have recognized it before, but I encourage you to look at those around you with fresh eyes and to seek out people who can help you on this journey. It's simple. All you have to do is ask. Who wouldn't want to step into that beautiful Temple of the Mighty Heart with you?
Debbie Ford, who passed away in 2013, was the first coach to step into my temple. Debbie was an author and thought leader whose books continue to bring shadow work to the masses. Debbie brought all things “shadow” into the light and was as courageous and fierce as she was open-hearted. She inspired me to work with my own shadows in a way that still empowers me.
Soon my personal temple began to fill with other wise teachers. I discovered Mark Nepo's The Book of Awakening, which put a salve on my heart. Then came Marianne Williamson's Enchanted Love Workshop, which allowed me to soften and open my heart more than ever before.
Then, to conquer more of the subconscious debris inside and open myself even more to the Divine and to love, I started studying with Master John Douglas. Master John is a spiritual leader from Australia who is in the business of clearing away all that stops us from being our mightiest selves, lending divine intervention to help us remove our subconscious blocks.
These were the first superhero voices to echo in my Temple of the Mighty Heart, and they remain with me today.
You have been blessed with superheroes in your life as well. You may have just thought of some as I mentioned mine. You will gather even more around you as you progress through this book. And now you have a place to keep their wisdom thriving, a place where other wise voices can join you on your journey, a place to practice and hone your powers—your very own Temple of the Mighty Heart.
From that temple, we will begin the work of uncovering what is creating the crazy firestorms of pain that can happen after a loss. We will look at what can block your powers—saboteurs and kryptonite. And you will become very savvy about what makes the all-important Mighty Flame burn bright within you. Once you start to see what you are looking for in yourself—both what is empowering and what is disempowering—you will jump into superhero training camp to get your heart into shape, set up your Love League, and find your superhero training coaches. You will then explore the five superpowers and learn how to sharpen, test, and refine them. Finally, you will complete your pre-flight prep so you can go out into the world and spread your love far and wide!
You will hear stories that show you what it takes to be a Superhero of Love. You will complete exercises to help you increase your awareness and hone your powers. And you will get three diagnostic checks—one at the beginning, one in the middle, and one at the end of the book—that will help you chart the progress of your Mighty Flame's growth. It's important to acknowledge where you stand as you move along on your journey and, most especially, to witness your own transformation. This allows you to acknowledge how far you have come and how close you may be to unleashing your love into the world.
The more conscious you are of the Superhero of Love who has been inside you all along, the more you can attend to nurturing the Mighty Flame that is the source of her powers. In case you feel that your flame could use some extra support as you go, I have given you additional exercises at the end of the book called Mighty Flame Boosters to help fan the flame.
First, let's get a glimpse of the five superpowers that you will develop throughout the book to methodically feed your Mighty Flame. Every one of us has all five, but some are more naturally developed in each of us. You will learn to recognize and appreciate these superpowers in yourself and others. I give them here in the order in which I discovered them, as they each dive a little deeper into the heart.
SUPER