X looked happy in his profile picture and his description seemed to indicate that he had as full and happy a life as I did. That's exactly what I was looking for—a happy man who felt and knew his own power. His profile said he was in the movie industry. I assumed he was a producer, because that's what I inferred from his photo. He was filming a movie in an exotic, tropical locale when we first spoke on the phone. When it turned out that he was an actor, I winced a little, but I was already smitten by his deep voice. We connected with ease and talked for hours—him enjoying delicious rum drinks and fresh-caught grilled fish; me lying in bed at home, a dog on either side, wondering if they would like him. That, of course, would be the ultimate test.
One of the first nights we spoke on the phone, we had a very intimate conversation. A hurricane was about to hit the island where he was filming and he was seeking a little comfort, not being well-versed in the art of hurricane survival. The storm hit while we were on the phone and I thought it was adorable that he admitted he was scared; I was happy to keep him distracted. I could hear the rain pelting his windows and shutters. He made me laugh. His deep, sexy voice, which revealed a touch of vulnerability, made him instantly attractive to me. I was hooked. The next day, I left on a business trip of my own, so we continued our intimate pillow talk in late-night calls. By the time we were both back in Los Angeles, I couldn't bear to wait a moment longer to see him.
When we finally met, I realized I had become enamored with the picture of Mr. X that I had drawn in my mind. In reality, he was two inches shorter than he claimed he was in his profile, and simply wasn't what I expected based on everything revealed online or in our conversations. It wasn't that the photo was old or doctored; it just didn't portray the person who showed up on the date. Headshots capture our most spectacular selves—like catching fireflies in a jar. When I met him in person, I thought: “Oh, he's not my guy.” We had a nice talk, though, and I thought he could be a friend. Then, just minutes before the date was to end, he touched the back of my hand very gently with one finger as he made a point. I have no idea what the point was, but I remember how he smiled and playfully tilted his head as his touch sent energy thrilling through my body. Whatever words he uttered, I heard: “You're mine.” And my inner voice responded: “Yes. That voice, that humor, that touch. I'm yours.” So, I let myself fall.
I enjoyed the fall. We had fun. We made each other laugh a lot. We started traveling together. He was a good traveler, even when emergencies came up. We relaxed, we enjoyed each other, and we had amazing sex. He made me feel like a woman again, after a long dry spell from dating. He appreciated me. We loved to cook together and entertain. He adored me and I adored him right back. My friends loved him because they saw how happy I was with him. And he was mighty charismatic, so they all fell a little in love with him, too.
So when I found out that he had told me a rather enormous lie, which unraveled a whole web of other lies told over the course of our years together, my dearest friends were nearly as devastated as I was. I remember wondering if a couple of them were more disappointed for themselves than for me. He was cool. I got it. But we all also knew that the extent of his lies was too great for me to continue the relationship. The pictures of what I thought the future was going to look like all crashed around me at once.
Shattered glass everywhere. Where do I step now? How do I move forward?
This devastating moment was seminal to my own origin story. Every superhero has one. You're reading mine. You have your own, and tapping into it will help you unravel the many threads of that story that brought you to this exact moment in your life.
Love Strong Exercise: Your Origin Story
Whether it happened yesterday, last week, last month, last year, or even decades ago—and no matter what kind of loss it was that led you here—it's time to get in touch with the story of your heartbreak and what it all means. Think about the loss you are experiencing. Then silently answer the following questions, or record yourself answering them on your device, or write them in a journal or on the blank pages provided at the end of this book.
What do you want to acknowledge about the good times?
Were there any red flags you set aside early on?
What events can you not release? Do their memories still leave you feeling powerless, paralyzed, or just plain sad or mad?
What words originally spoken by someone else (it doesn't matter how long ago they were uttered) do you keep replaying in your head like a bad recording?
What have you been saying to yourself since this loss—about your life, about your state of mind, about your value?
What dream of your future did you abandon (accidentally or on purpose) because of this loss?
If you could stand on the edge of the Grand Canyon and scream, with no danger of being heard, what would you release into that abyss about this loss?
Is there anything else that you need to say about yourself or your life right now to give a good picture of how you feel, think, or see the world?
Mighty Flame Check-In #1
Welcome to your first Mighty Flame Check-In—the first of three that you will find throughout this book. These checkins will allow you to see how the book is working for you and help you track your progress as you grow more Love Strong. They don't take very long to do and it can be fun to track how your Mighty Flame grows!
We will dive more deeply into what fans or dims your Mighty Flame in coming chapters. In this first check-in, we will simply take a reading of the state of your heart at the beginning of your journey. Rate your answers on a scale of 0 to 10—or 10 to 0. The goal is to have all your responses move to the right side of the scale as you progress.
My heart pain level is about:
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 0
My energy level is about:
0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
My obsessive thinking about my loss is roughly:
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 0
My joy quotient is about:
0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Chapter 3
FROM CRAZY FIRESTORMS TO THE MIGHTY FLAME
Last year, I gazed at the fire,This year I'm burnt kabob.Thirst drove me down to the waterWhere I drank the moon's reflection.
—Rumi
I felt very much like a burnt kabob when I first unraveled the Mr. X betrayals. Even if your breakup didn't leave you burned to a crisp, it's impossible not to be singed when you experience loss, with little pieces of your heart set ablaze. As a Superhero of Love, you must take a two-pronged approach to these fires: first soothe and cool the crazy firestorms, then feed the Mighty Flame that powers you. This chapter will show you the difference between these two sources of fire, because one will take you down, while the other will build you up.
Crazy firestorms are those times when we feel out of control, angry and on edge, or caught in repetitive negative thinking. These firestorms can be adrenaline-pumping yet energy-depleting wild fires that wreak havoc and destruction on our hearts and minds. They can burn so deep and wide that they lead to depression, unshakable sadness, apathy, or self-loathing. And they can start and spread without you even noticing.
The Mighty Flame, however, is peaceful, easily focused, and gently warming to the soul. It is where joy and contentment reside. When your Mighty Flame burns bright, you can be vulnerable and powerful at the same time because you know your guiding light is love. You can be present, in your skin. You feel ease, not dis-ease