up being the perfect house for me and my flame clearly said, “Yes!” But my mind had some objections. I talked with a friend to clear the clutter out of my mind and was then able to feel my flame. It was still a yes. Even my real estate agent came to know within seconds of us entering a house if it was going to work for me. The house I chose is one I couldn't help but keep coming back to, because my flame grew every time. I was the moth to its flame, happy just to sit in front of it, staring at its light.
Days later, as I packed up the old house, I found my collage and the list of all the qualities I wanted in my new dream house. I had it all—and more! You never have to settle. Ever. When you let your inner flame, your highest self, guide you, you can't go wrong. In fact, you can have more than you ever imagined.
Be mindful of your Mighty Flame. Notice what makes it grow and what makes it dim. As you learn what it needs, you can consciously nourish it.
Over the last several years, when alone and full of bliss, with my Mighty Flame burning bright, I have found myself exclaiming aloud: “I love my life!” Yet, there have been times when I clearly felt the opposite. I once missed a plane and was struggling to find an alternate flight to get to an appointment on time. I ran through the airport harried. I wasn't in love with my life in that moment. I was covered with sweat, full of panic over the clients I might disappoint, and berating myself for not knowing that my flight was taking off from a bizarre far-off terminal due to airport construction. I couldn't have known this fact, and yet guilt was searing into my heart as I ran.
You should have known. Bad girl. Bad and wrong girl. Bad. Bad. Bad.
My life was not perfect in that moment, because I felt I was not perfect. When you repeat something to yourself, it starts to become true, right? Luckily, I recognized what was happening and got my wits about me. I stopped in the middle of an empty corridor and said aloud: “I love my life!” This, of course, made me laugh because I was a hot mess. Then I added: “I love me even when I am bad and wrong.” Teasing myself for the ridiculous repeating of untruths, just as friends sometimes do, puts everything back in perspective. And laughter will always instantly fan your Mighty Flame.
THE POWER OF INTEGRITY
While I love to laugh, the number-one method I use to fan my Mighty Flame is integrity. Integrity is jet fuel for your heart. It will feed your Mighty Flame. Having integrity means:
You are your word. You do what you say you are going to do. You are known for keeping your promises.
You empower yourself and others with your word, your actions, and your way of being.
People know they can count on you, no matter what.
Your friends and loved ones know you as someone who achieves goals and dreams. And in your most exalted state, you are a person who makes dreams come true for others.
You speak well of yourself and others.
That last one is my Achilles heel. I am most often out of integrity when I disempower myself or someone else. Reining in my negative thoughts about myself or others is a challenge when my flame is dim. Yet reining in your negative thoughts is precisely what will make that flame grow. It's a practice. Whatever you can do to remind yourself that you are practicing, that you are in the game of empowering with your words, the better off you will be.
Working on integrity can be fun, because you can make it like a game. Shoot integrity hoops: have a goal, make a goal; give your word, keep your word. Aim for minimal disempowerment and maximum empowerment.
Being out of integrity comes in many forms, but here's a list of things you may be doing that won't help your Mighty Flame:
Speaking ill of others
Speaking ill of yourself
Having your environment out of order (a reflection of internal disorder)
Being chronically late
Not keeping promises
For many people, the end of a relationship comes the moment they let their integrity slip, when they break a promise to themselves. I know a woman who told her partner she would not move in with him until he was sober. He cleaned up his act and they moved in together. Almost immediately, his drinking resumed. Did my friend redraw the line in the sand and move out? No. That was the defining moment that led to the end of their relationship. She knew she should move out immediately, but she didn't. The relationship disintegrated.
At one point in my relationship with Mr. X, he spoke of living together. I replied that I wouldn't move in without being engaged. I made this promise to myself years before and I let him know I intended to keep the commitment. Not too long after this, I decided I was not going to spend another summer without central air conditioning, and I started looking for a new place to live. Mr. X insisted we look for houses to move into together, that it made sense since we would soon be engaged and moving in together anyway. He made it sound fun and reasonable, and I threw my promise out the window as we sped off to look at the first possible house.
The excitement wore off over the course of the day. As we parted ways that evening, I felt as if something were really not right. My Mighty Flame was so dim that it left me chilled. My actions were not reflective of the promise I made to myself. Mr. X said he was going to ask me to marry him several months down the line, when his daughter went to college. He wanted me to trust his commitment. I didn't trust either of us at that point. I had drawn a line in the sand and was stomping all over it. On some level, we both knew it was over at the end of that day. We parted ways like two deflated balloons. We couldn't pretend to hold ourselves up, let alone our love within the relationship. Even though we had technically not yet parted ways, we knew we had come to the end of the line.
When one of my friends got remarried, she and her new husband blended their two families, Brady Bunch style. As much as their therapist encouraged them to make clear agreements with each other to help guide them during their merger, they instead trusted that their love would pull them through any conflict. Many disagreements ensued as their parenting styles clashed. They weren't working as a team, and they often disempowered each other in the eyes of their children. Love helps, but integrity makes everything work better. Integrity helps love grow, giving it healthy soil and a protective fence to keep it safe, nourished, and nurtured.
I mentioned that I had the great boon of being forced to move just a few months after this breakup. Although I had been dying to move anyway, it felt like horrible timing. I was in the middle of a crazy firestorm. Then I embraced it as an opportunity for a fresh start. It was the best thing that could have happened at that moment for my Mighty Flame.
When I moved, I gave away or sold almost every stick of furniture, donated several carloads of “the past,” and got rid of all that should have been gone long before. Not only did I get a much better, amazing house, but I also bought all new furniture and spread myself out in my beautiful surroundings in a way that allowed my soul to open up. I felt like a butterfly settling on a beautiful, newly bloomed flower, blissfully surrounded by more flowers, trees, and beauty than I could have dreamed.
Not everyone has the synchronistic opportunity to move after a huge breakup, but you can still work on the integrity of your home. Refresh and renew; let go and clean out. All of these actions allow your soul to breathe a little better. Clearing out the past is always life-giving and life-affirming.
Putting things in order makes your life flow and clears away obstacles—literally and figuratively. Tripping over clutter in either your physical space or in your mind keeps you from reaching your destination. Without integrity, life just doesn't work as well. In the laboratory of my life, I have evidence that this is true. When I am in integrity, the circuits are clean, and my energy and power can flow. I make things happen. My energy is lighter.
To recap, having integrity means:
You say what you mean and mean what you say.
You do what you say you are going to