Cinderella and neither will your son become Prince Charming. Gone are the days when the number one goal of a young lady was to get married and have 2.3 children. Parents are encouraging their daughters to complete their education, and to wrap themselves around a career and become self-sufficient. A woman’s future may have her taking care of the same clueless young man she aspired to marry. We have already seen what happens when a man leaves his family and the woman doesn’t have anything to fall back on. Too often, I hear grandmothers talking about how they take care of their grown daughters and their grandchildren, a far cry, I am sure, from what they imagined they would be doing back when they were young ladies.
The latest data show just how “outnumbered” men are and supports my experience-based understanding of why men too often succeed at “playing” women. For men, career choices have become more difficult and sex has become easier. The man knows he can enjoy good sex without marriage. The number of married men in the U.S. has decreased dramatically since the 1960s. According to the U.S. Census Bureau’s data on marital status for years 2005-2007, the percentage of men who never married was:
| Black | 46 percent |
| Hispanic/Latino | 37 percent |
| Asian | 29 percent |
| White | 27 percent |
Meanwhile, government data show that roughly 70 percent of black women are single. Ladies, this is what is called a major imbalance.
This book was written to help women spot pivotal points for a lasting relationship. It was written to help you hear and heed that occasional internal alarm that sometimes goes off about some men. Whether you decide to shack or throw him back, take it from date to soul mate, this book will be your trusted guide. I intend to unveil the man’s psyche.
This is the book men don’t want you to read. At the same time, I will not totally and completely give it all up about my brothers. I cannot, for instance, tell you all the things they say about you, since I believe in accentuating the positive. But in general language and terms, yes... they have called you everything from a queen to a witch. And if the brothers find out I am telling you any of this, they will most definitely call me a snitch!
Yet, in full seriousness, a baseline measurement of a man usually starts on the outside. You take into account his career or job, and the way he works his job; his accomplishments and the amount of money he makes; his education, religion (or lack thereof); and his relationships. I would say it is up to each individual woman to decide how important these measures are in determining his value. However, I suggest that the best way to form a truly useful measuring scale is to place the emphasis on his internal substantive factors. These include how he treats other people, whether he is self- confident, and whether he is patient. And there are his personal traits, which are real and more lasting than superficial items such as what kind of car he drives and how much money he spends on you at a restaurant or in the club.
Our feelings can fluctuate from time to time, but they also represent the core of who we really are: outgoing, guarded, trusting, happy, sad, ambitious, emotional, considerate, strong, weak, etc. Our feelings are connected to our hearts, and to our souls. I would trust a woman with a good heart over a woman with lots of success, money or strong religious values. I’ve learned to trust the heart, not to say that the heart is an easy place to explore, only that it is the nucleus of all living souls. I’ve grown comfortable dancing to the heartbeat of the soul. You want a man for the journey, not just for the moment, but the truth is that it’s hard, if not impossible, to choose the best life partner if you don’t know yourself or what you believe.
Men are tactile, visual, visceral, linear thinking sleuth-hounds. Deep inside every real man is a hero, a “knight in shining armor” who wants to serve and protect his family and loved ones. We are born hunters; our tit-glancing, navel-gazing, ass-watching culture keeps us in constant conflict with some of our hyper- vigilant, under-confident counterparts, women who are overly concerned about our loyalty. It’s just second nature for a man to look at the opposite sex... usually it is just a peek! He loves Ms. Right but may lust over Ms. Right-Now. Ladies must be confident enough in themselves and in their relationship with a man not to hassle him if, or when, his eye wanders a bit. You ladies can have it all: a man who is top-ranked, has money in the bank and able to put a TIGER in your tank.
A man’s senses – what he sees, smells, hears and feels – always trump his sensibilities, which is what your Mama probably called good sense. Remember this: the most fundamental need a man has in a relationship is to feel important and respected for who he is. A man needs financial security; a woman needs emotional security, closeness, and financial security. Men think in straight lines; too many details at one time frustrate us. We want information that is actionable vs. emotional. Oftentimes it is in the best interest of women to work through their emotions separately and then to discuss with their man what needs to happen to remedy the situation. The nonverbal aspects of communication make up 92 percent of a message, while only 8 percent of the impact is verbal. If we can’t fix your problem, we don’t want to hear about it.
Here is another reason why men tend to have less trouble with relationships than women. If we like what our senses are telling us about you, we’ll accept what is offered in the relation and get the rest of the things we need elsewhere, in the interest of preservation. We are not trying to change you ladies and we don’t get upset about your lack of interest in, say, sports for example. I cringe when I see a man moping around a department store bored stiff while his lady goes shopping. Ladies, do you really think your man wants to be there holding your purse while you try on another outfit, or another shoe? Would you be okay with it if he insisted that you hang with him when he goes to buy a new golf club, or shoot hoops with his boys on the weekends? Right. So if you think his silence means that he is okay with it, think again. That silence may just mean that he is thinking about how he never asks you to engage in his down time, or manly pursuits. In that same silence, he may also be starting to resent you for insisting that he go on along to your lady doings. Pick your battles, ladies. Learn to give your man his space, lest he feel confined.
I hear some women sound so wounded, upset and frustrated with men who won’t commit to them. Now let’s get to the root of this prevailing complexity between men and women. What is commitment anyway? Oftentimes, men think they are committed after the first date; this is the time we start caring, offering kind gestures, becoming more thoughtful and protective. Although this may make us commitment-worthy, it only heightens her need for more linguistic persuasions. This is what ladies want to hear come out of a man’s mouth: I want a committed relationship with you, I’m falling in love with you, I want to be with you for the rest of my life and ultimately, will you marry me? She wants to hear it, have it reinforced and hear it again. To which I say... say it ain’t so, ladies! This is the kind of language that turns too many men into liars. He knows, because you either tell him or show him, that you want to hear that. So even if he is not there yet, he soon finds himself saying words that just end up making the lady feel secure, protected and more trusting – falsely. And the irony of this is that it defeats the result that men are actually most concerned with: gaining your trust! men want to be trusted no matter whether they are worthy or not. Ladies, if you get caught sneaking around checking behind your man, he’s going to be very upset upon his discovery. It may be safer for you to warn him before you start snooping. This is the way I interpreted Chris Brown’s anger toward Rihanna. She didn’t trust him and therefore was checking his text messages. In a lot of cases the man is quite disappointed to find that his committed love has some apprehension.
Now let me give it to you straight, with no chaser. Commitment has a different meaning for a woman than it does for most men. To women, it means security, freedom, loyalty, marriage and it means forever or permanent. To a man, that same word – commitment – means he can’t protect him self from you. It means he has to expose his vulnerable side. It means he loses his freedom, his ability to make decisions for himself or his ability to control the emotional roller-coaster ride that follows. But this is where I can be most helpful in suggesting that ladies need to change