this path; I know there is a reason. I will do my best to discover what this is all about.” In the grace of that moment, I felt connected to a Higher Power, and so began the next phase of my life: my journey through cancer. The journey proved to be filled with lots of laughter, tears, and miracles.
From Awareness to Action
Through synchronistic events, I was led to an amazing team of doctors and healers who saved my life. I also did my own soul-searching work to free myself from past emotional baggage that weighed me down and prevented me from living abundantly. During that first critical year of cancer treatments, I found the courage to do what I had to do. From mastectomy to vitamin infusions to internal cleansing to life changes, I followed my inner guidance. And when I discovered the specific doctor mentioned in a psychic reading, who used natural approaches to healing cancer, I knew I had found the proverbial needle in the haystack. The surprise ending at the Hawaiian Cleanse may have saved my life. Inner exploration and lifestyle changes gave me a new career and contributed to my deeper connection to a Higher Power. I became filled with unshakable faith after observing how the universe guided and supported me on my quest for healing.
When there is no path, what do we do? We create our own. That is exactly what I was forced to do. From my perspective, cancer treatments performed by the conventional medical community, like radiation and chemotherapy, often do a lot of harm to the body without impressive results. Consequently, I could not completely turn my body over to mainstream medicine. Compelled to take control of my own healing, I explored options, made choices and created a healing path that worked for me. The choices and decisions that would save my life had to be made by me alone, and I stepped up to the task.
Perhaps I am more courageous than I think, but I could not have done this alone. Grace supported me the whole way.
Blazing my own trail proved a major challenge, but I was committed to using my wake-up call as an opportunity to achieve optimal health and wellbeing. Eleven years later it is time to share my grace-filled story about this unique cancer adventure.
Chapter 1
This Can’t Be Happening to Me!
(Breast Cancer Diagnosis)
October 2000
“There is good news and bad news: You have breast cancer; but… it is a ‘friendly’ cancer.” This devastating message, given to me by a charismatic, golden-haired pixie in a sun-filled examining room, pierced the illusion that I was in charge of my body. At that moment I felt stunned. How could this be happening to me? Evidently, all I was doing to take care of my body and soul had not protected me from cancer.
As I walked down the long dark hallway after receiving the diagnosis from my surgeon, I thought, “What a major hassle!” I would have to take a detour from building a new life in California to saving my life instead. I could already imagine all of the research I needed to do. My surgeon’s message left me with the opinion that I had a “mild” form of cancer, which the conventional medical community could easily treat with surgery, radiation or chemotherapy. However, their treatment approaches were not in alignment with my plan to get healthier. On the other hand, taking charge of healing my cancer through natural approaches meant more work for me.
Comforted that Paul was with me at the time I received my diagnosis, I still felt alone in this cancer adventure. (Paul is now my husband, but during the time around diagnosis and treatments, he was my significant other of fourteen years.)
Driving home alone in the car after receiving the diagnosis, the realization hit me: “You are on your own with your cancer.” I had to take charge of treating this illness because no one had as much at stake as me—my life. Decisions had to be made by me alone. The feeling of being on my own and taking care of myself is a very old life pattern. I learned early to live by my wits and figure things out. I can remember at the age of three or four opening the back door and entering an empty house; I was hungry. No one was around, but I spotted a loaf of bread on a counter in the kitchen. I dragged a heavy chair over to the counter, climbed up, opened the paper wrapper around the bread and ate a slice or two. I climbed down and went back outside to play with the other kids. Being on my own and taking care of myself are what I do best. Cancer provided another opportunity to relive that script and also gave me an opportunity to change the distorted belief that I had to do everything myself.
Stage I cancer would not kill me if it was treated properly, but what lay ahead seemed overwhelming. In addition to having cancer and being a new resident of California, I had no business or career. Mental health counseling in California was not an option for me because I did not have the proper credentials. I had no local support system in place and was dependent on Paul financially and emotionally. “Unbelievable!”
The Truth Shall Set Me Free
After the surgeon biopsied two small cancerous tumors from my left breast, she told me I was very fortunate because my cancer had been detected early. The damage to my body was minimal. However, once she recommended a mastectomy with reconstruction, I did not feel lucky. A lumpectomy was never suggested. I remember her saying, “Something is going on in that breast.” I had two tumors in one breast, and my breasts were small. Getting clear margins and breast appearance were probably considered too. It felt like my health-conscious, disciplined lifestyle for the past twenty years had just been defeated. Adequate nutrition, yoga, and meditation had not prevented this health crisis. The alien world of cancer had found its way to my front door, and I couldn't slam the door in its face. Those pamphlets on breast surgery, neatly stacked in a small wooden shelf on the wall in my surgeon’s office, were about to become a part of my realty.
The surgeon instructed me to take several weeks to educate myself about treatment options. My life depended upon making an informed choice. Surgery, radiation, chemotherapy, or non-invasive alternative treatments were possibilities. I got my first assignment from my surgeon: Read Dr. Susan Love's Breast Book—all 700 pages. I asked Paul to buy this breast cancer bible on his way home from work because I did not want to deal with it. He held the book first and began reading it before me. The book lay on my kitchen counter. Each time I walked by it, I reminded myself, “I should be reading but I am just not ready.” I needed more time to recover from the shock. Two days later, I picked up the book. It was my turn to make choices like all the women who have gone before me. I felt some embarrassment that I had become one of them. In my work as a holistic, body-centered mental health counselor, I had helped cancer patients. I was not supposed to become one. Clients and students looked to me as someone who had it together. The illusion of invincibility was crumbling fast, and I had to face it.
When I finally emerged from the false security of denial, I sprang into action. First, I faxed the biopsy report to two experts for second opinions. Then I read the treatment section of Dr. Love's book, contacted support centers, bought books, scanned the web (before the Google phenomenon), called friends knowledgeable about cancer, and consulted a holistic doctor. Each contact gave me a list of more contacts. Within two days of taking charge, I was inundated with resources for traditional and non-traditional treatment options. My dining room table became a smorgasbord of cancer information. Cancer had invaded my home.
While adapting to this uninvited guest, I had difficulty releasing the tension from my body. My insides were quietly trembling as if I were in the aftershocks of an earthquake. I seemed to be able to keep the feelings under control while I stayed busy, learning all I could about the causes of cancer and treatment options. But, the shock and trauma were rumbling around in my body anyway. Yoga stretches, meridian tapping and meditation provided minor relief. However, after one visit to Dr. Xie, my new Chinese acupuncturist in California, I felt optimistic and in charge. With thin needles in my feet, abdomen, and head, he reconnected me to my peaceful center. When I left his office, my body and soul were calm for the first time since the earth-shattering news. Grace enveloped me, and I felt more connected to a Higher Power.
As I walked to my car after that treatment, I told myself, “You can do this.” I just didn't know what “this” would entail.
Overwhelmed,