to gather information and speak to other women who had survived breast cancer. One of the women's cancer support centers gave me a buddy. She listened to my cancer story and shared hers. We discussed doctors, surgery, recovery, alternative medicine and prevention. She spoke in a matter-of-fact way about sleeping in a chaise lounge for three months after her breast reconstruction. The assurance and confidence in her voice gave me hope. It placed a solid foundation under my feet. Real people had successfully survived the havoc of treatment. The world of cancer was becoming familiar, and a women’s support network was nurturing me.
Some Cancer Statistics
•The American Cancer Society 2010 Cancer Statistics reveal that one out of three women in the US is at risk for developing some form of cancer in their lifetime. That number increases for men to one out of two.
•The National Cancer Institute reports that more than 11 million Americans have a history of invasive cancer, while the American Cancer Society estimates that in the year 2009, over 1.4 million Americans will receive a diagnosis of invasive cancer with over a half million cases resulting in death.
•In 2012, the American Cancer Society estimates that about 226,870 new cases of invasive breast cancer will be diagnosed in the United States—and about
•53,300 new cases of carcinoma in situ (noninvasive). About 39,510 women will die from breast cancer, and 2.6 million survivors currently live in the United States.
•A study by scientists at Imperial College in London confirms the link between lifestyle and breast cancer. A woman can significantly reduce her risk of getting breast cancer if she limits the amount of alcohol she drinks, maintains a healthy weight and is physically active.
Just when I thought I was coping effectively, I received a telephone call from a friend who worked in cancer research. “This is Vicki. You have to have your breast off!” I was sitting on my bed listening to her with my free arm wrapped around my stomach while she told me, “All the women I know who had lumpectomies are dead, and those with mastectomies are alive.” As soon as we hung up, my body began shaking. Paul found me lying on the bed trembling in a fetal position. My body seemed to be resisting this truth. I could not accept that the body I had tried to protect with hormones and healthy lifestyle would be mutilated by a surgeon's knife. This thunderbolt of reality shattered the fragile armor I had erected to keep going.
I calmed down enough to fall asleep that evening only to awaken abruptly at 3:00 a.m. As I opened my eyes and I sat up, I could still see the dream image even after blinking a few times. The scene in front of me reflected an ethereal substance with natural color. It revealed my surgeon standing next to a hospital gurney with me lying on it. We were getting ready to go into surgery. I couldn't see my face, but I felt safe. She stood confidently by my side. The truth encoded in this vivid image got my attention. In that moment I decided to have a left modified radical mastectomy. It felt right.
The truth—distasteful as it was—set me free. Peace replaced the turmoil in my mind and body. I fell back to sleep with a profound sense of relief. In the morning I would discuss my decision with Paul, begin to grieve the loss of my breast and explore breast reconstruction options. Gratitude filled me because the decision had been taken out of my ego’s hands by the truth and guidance of my soul. I began to feel that I was not alone on this cancer journey. A power greater than myself appeared to be helping me take each step. A process that could have consumed my energy for weeks resolved itself within five days after the diagnosis. In my hour of need, my body and soul spoke to me—and, I listened. I never doubted their profound wisdom. The memory still brings tears to my eyes.
Finding Doctors in a Strange Land
(Weeks Before the Diagnosis)
At the time I found the two lumps in my left breast, I had to spring into action and find a local gynecologist sooner rather than later. Before moving to California, I had taken care of all my medical business, including the mammogram, which showed nothing. Without anyone to ask for a recommendation, I had to rely on myself. I wanted someone who did not perform obstetrics and worked primarily with menopausal women, similar to the doctor I left in New Jersey. After checking the yellow pages of the phone book, I called the office of the doctor who fit that description and decided this two-doctor office was the place for me.
When I met my doctor, I felt an immediate connection with her. After all, she had gone to medical school in New York. She tried to put a long needle into one of the lumps to discover whether it was a cyst. The procedure was not successful. I had to find a surgeon to perform a biopsy, and she suggested two doctors in Freemont. I was not happy with those options because they were general surgeons, not breast surgeons. And, they were men.
After all of my reading and discussions with breast cancer survivors who were in the know, from my perspective, I wanted a woman surgeon who only worked on breasts. If I had been in New Jersey, I would have gone to a local female breast surgeon who had an impeccable reputation. I knew they existed, and I would find one. I went against the gynecologist’s recommendation, and searched for someone who fit my criteria. I made some phone calls to get the search started. How I found Dr. Lebovic grabbed my attention.
I had been speaking to a good friend in New Jersey, who had lived in San Francisco with her husband for one year when he was on a sabbatical there. He taught clinical psychology at Rutgers University. She made a call to a doctor she had met in San Francisco, and he gave her Dr. Lebovic’s name for me. As soon as I met her, I knew she was the doctor I needed. She had a positive outlook, and I learned that she was skilled at making sure women looked good after breast cancer surgery. After all, I was in the Stanford University area of California, and she was the best of the best. I felt so blessed and thankful to have found her. Once I put my body in her hands, my cancer burden began to feel lighter. Once again, grace was smiling on me.
Looking Back: Warning Signs and Subtle Messages
(Years Before the Diagnosis)
Before I moved to California and received the cancer diagnosis, life screamed to get my attention. I just was not listening, or I was not able to listen. The overt and covert signs did not register. I still wonder about how deaf and blind I had been during those years prior to my diagnosis. Could I have prevented breast cancer? Because of my own denial, I have learned to have compassion for people who cannot hear what they do not want to hear. Most people are not aware that the universe is trying to get their attention with subtle messages. I was one of them once and could be again if I stop being alert.
Hormone Balancing
In 1997, about seven years into hormone replacement treatment, I met a woman at a holistic health conference who warned me about pharmaceutical HRT. She suggested I see a practitioner who specialized in natural hormone balancing. I did not understand that natural hormone balancing is still considered HRT, so I did not take her seriously. (Today they call it bioidentical hormone therapy.) I remember taking the piece of paper she offered me knowing I would not follow through. I did not want to hear about going off HRT. When I got home, I threw the information in the trash. Denial and ignorance prevented me from listening to other options. The research today is clear. Long-term use of pharmaceutical HRT increases the risk of breast cancer. But, I was too bull-headed to take her warning seriously and change my ways. Today I understand that any hormone balancing therapy requires close monitoring of a woman’s hormonal levels by the experts who know how to prevent breast cancer.
Yellow Mucous in My Lungs
About two years before the diagnosis, I had a lot of yellow mucous in my lungs. I was not coughing, but it constricted my lungs and breathing. I noticed it when I cleared my throat and brought up mucous, and even with the asthma medicine my breathing was compromised. As an asthmatic living in polluted central New Jersey, this mucous situation was not good. I did not want to go on a steroid spray so I kept looking for a natural treatment approach that would clear up my lungs. For example, I went to a holistic practitioner while visiting my daughter in California who did Iridology and some other minor health assessments. He never mentioned cancer as a possibility, nor did any of the other practitioners