to normal blood pressure takes a week, what if it takes a month, what if it never returns to normal? Will they leave me flat on my back, which is already stiff and sore from the surgery and from the lack of movement? Maybe there is something more seriously wrong requiring further surgery? With every crazy thought, the heart rate monitor screeches. Then I became anxious about the alarm going off, and that anxiety alone was enough to shoot adrenaline through my body again and again, activating the alarm.
That night I was impressed by the power of my mind to talk myself into a frenzy about a range of irrational fears. I knew I was needlessly spiking my anxiety, but I just couldn’t stop. The more I worried about my escalating anxiety and my seeming inability to control my thoughts, the more frequently the alarm screeched in my ears.
By 6:00 a.m. I was able to sit up on my rock-hard hospital bed. I stayed upright with my wife, Cheryl, watching to see if I would again become light-headed and faint. But I was OK. After 20 minutes, I stood up, and a nurse assessed my condition and thought we should try to walk down the hall, which I did successfully. I felt like a king, like I had conquered the world, like I could now take on anything! By noon I was home in my own comfy recliner, feeling as though the weight of the world was off my shoulders, and feeling rather foolish for my “crazy” behavior in the hospital.
Lessons Learned
I have thought about that night in the hospital bed many times since then. This experience was one of several reasons I wanted to write this book. Was it a crisis? It didn’t have to be, but it became a crisis for me. I made this temporary situation into a catastrophic event just because of what I thought and said to myself. By imagining all kinds of fears and improbable scenarios, my night in the hospital became a nearly intolerable situation for me. I look back on that night and am surprised by my fear and anxiety, and wonder how I might have managed the situation better. Had I been more prepared mentally and emotionally, might I have been able to simply go to sleep like any other night and wake up rested and ready to go home?
As a psychologist, I have worked with people in crisis situations and helped them manage, debrief, and recover from emergency situations. We, as a profession, have learned a considerable amount about what happens to emotions, thoughts, behaviors, and reactions in a crisis, and how all of that affects the way people respond. We have learned about resilience following a crisis—some people recover more easily but others face posttraumatic stress reactions and are not able to recover well. Some of these crises are major—death, disasters, bankruptcy, divorce, health problems—and some are minor—how to reorganize the garage, what to say in the job interview, how to cope with unruly children—but we all encounter situations that can spiral out of our control. If we were better prepared to handle these situations, we would have more self-confidence, more of a sense of mastery over our lives, and be more resilient in recovering from life’s challenges.
My Goal for This Book
The aim of this book is to help you become better prepared to successfully master crisis situations in your life—the minor ones and the major ones—and to do so before they occur. You will learn more about your own style and skill level in handling crises, develop a system for better managing those life crises, and learn how to easily practice for future crises. Most of us have learned to drive a car. Many of us took a class before we ever got behind the wheel, but book knowledge was just not enough. Can you recall the first time you sat in the driver’s seat? For most of us, the exhilaration we thought we might experience quickly turned to fear and apprehension. It was only after gaining behind-the-wheel experience—practicing with someone helping us, experiencing those slick roads, near misses (or near collisions), stop signs we blew through without noticing—that we began to get a handle on how to manage this 4,000 pound bomb of steel and gasoline.
As I write this book, I am still learning and practicing as I go, with frequent flashbacks to that night in the hospital bed. I believe I am better prepared for the next crisis I will face, whether major or minor. I truly hope this book will provide you with the skills to successfully handle everyday crises in your life too. The goal is to better understand what is happening to us and how we can take charge to manage the situation with the least amount of wear and tear on ourselves and others.
Pick a Crisis, Any One at All
Learning to Handle an Everyday Crisis
Let’s look at an everyday kind of crisis that Rupie, a 37-year-old mother of two boys, faced. She heard a strange noise coming from the upstairs of her home. It was summer, and the ceiling fans and the TV were on. She turned them off, but she continued to hear the noise. As she got closer to her son’s room upstairs, the noise became louder. When she opened his closet door, a gush of water came surging at her. And the water kept flowing! At first as water ran into the room and began seeping through the floor into their family room downstairs, Rupie felt overwhelmed and confused about what was happening and why. She didn’t know quite what to do or how to proceed. In past crises, Rupie had been emotionally upset, overwhelmed, and was unable to formulate a plan. This time, however, she rallied. She told herself that the problem, although major, was fixable. She shifted her thinking from catastrophizing the event to saying, “I can do this, this is just an inconvenience, a nuisance, and it will get fixed.” Rupie was able to focus her thinking, and she summoned the next door neighbor to help her shut off the water to her house. Then she called her husband and the insurance company. Rupie was proud of her ability to shift her thinking in this crisis so she could fix the problem. She felt a sense of mastery and will most likely be better able to handle the next crisis that comes her way. It took nearly a month to get the damage to the walls, floors, and carpets repaired, but Rupie managed her way through that as well.
Can you identify with Rupie in this situation? Have you had similar experiences? How did you react? Were you able to rally the resources to resolve the situation?
How Would You Handle These Three Crises?
1.You have just been notified by the Forest Service that a forest fire is completely out of control and approaching your home in the mountains at an uncontrollable rate. The Fire Captain says, “You have 30 minutes to evacuate—take whatever you want with you, but you must be gone in 30 minutes because the fire will be rapidly upon us.” This is your dream home—a gorgeous log cabin nestled in the woods with a view of the lake in the distance. What would you take with you? What papers? What personal effects? What pictures and items of sentimental value? Where will you go—to a motel, a friend’s house, a family member’s house? Whom should you contact right away? Do you know where they are? What will you say—can you remain calm, should you be reassuring, or would you like to vent your fears and anxieties about evacuating? Do you even have time to call any one?
2.While driving on the highway, you see brake lights ahead and cars screeching to a halt. You slam on your brakes as well, but the guy behind you has been tailgating and smashes into the rear of your car. The impact drives your car into the rear of the car in front of you. You are not hurt, but your car is badly damaged. Are you feeling apprehensive, concerned, shocked, or just plain angry at the driver behind you who wasn’t driving safely? What will you do? Who should you call? Are there injuries? Is there any fire hazard? What is your plan?
3.Supermarket Bingo is a game we all play at the supermarket, at the bank, and at the post office. It is the process of choosing what you think will be the quickest checkout line, and no matter which line you choose that line ends up moving the slowest. As you wait for your turn to check out, what are you thinking and feeling? Can you be patient and calm, or are you fidgeting and becoming more annoyed at the seemingly endless wait?
For each of these different kinds of crises, consider the following questions:
•What would you tell yourself about what is happening and what you need to do?
•What are the most common emotions you feel in crisis situations? Do they help you or hinder your ability to handle the situation?
•Have you faced similar situations in the past? How did you do? What can you learn about how you handled earlier crises?
•What do you think you need to do to better prepare yourself for future major and minor crises?
We return to these questions in Chapter