so that you get to your REM sleep before your baby gets to you.
• Ask your partner to be responsible for the early morning shift from 4am onwards – at least once in a while.
• If you’re breastfeeding ask your partner to listen out for the baby and to bring him to you in the early hours.
Researchers have found that when adults are woken while in light sleep it makes little or no difference to their day; when woken from deep sleep they tend to be a little tired; but when woken from dream sleep they find it extremely difficult to cope with their tasks the next day (Ferber, 1985, and Rotenberg, 1992).
Babies cope with frequent night-time wakings better than their parents because they set the pace.
‘If you have a baby who sleeps, you are considered lucky, but if you have a baby who doesn’t, you are considered to be doing something wrong.’
Harriet and Will, parents of Emily, ten-and-a-half months
‘You can think that you’ve cracked it and that you know yourself and then you find that you haven’t and you don’t.’
Buff, mother of four, who has an ‘appalling’ sleeper after two ‘good’ ones
It doesn’t matter which of the suggestions you take away from this book. The important element in whatever you choose is that you have chosen it and made it fit with your way of parenting. Solutions need to fit relationships. There are no universal panaceas.
What matters to your baby is that you have confidence in yourself and in him. But in the beginning, and especially with the first baby, many parents find it hard to decide how they want things to be, and what will work for their baby. Sometimes it can be hard just finding out who you are, now that you’re a parent. Be patient with yourself – it will come. Confidence emerges when you know your baby and yourself well and are able to be loving and predictable. Most new parents find that when they relax and just do what comes naturally they become predictable. Loving, predictable and relaxed – it’s a confident combination.
That Certain Something
Some people know how they want to handle their baby’s sleep from the beginning. Melissa, mother of Jessie, read a book and was convinced:
‘About three weeks before Jessie was born I read a book called The Continuum Concept which convinced me that the best way to sleep was together. It’s been no problem at all since she was born. Sometimes Jessie’s a bit restless and John has to lie on his front to protect his sensitive parts, but putting her in another room just seemed such hard work. After a couple of weeks she never really woke at night, she just goes around looking for milk. She sleeps through to eight or nine and sleeps really deeply. We have a 5ft 3in bed which is a great family bed. We built a big sleeping platform with rails at one side and the wall at the other. Possibly we are more relaxed because we don’t have to think “Shall we let her cry?” I think our relationship (John’s and mine) was improved because we both slept well.’
Jane, mother of Thomas, Esther and Isaac knows what works for her:
‘It was important for us to have an evening so we wanted the baby upstairs on his own, in his own space. Simon felt very stressed having the baby around him and I was very worried that I’d spoil the baby by not having a routine. I was happy for a little baby to lead me, but there came a time when I needed some time and I needed to instil some routine. So, from ten weeks once he had his bath in the evening, he didn’t come downstairs. It was bath, feed, bed. It felt like we were back to normal.’
Others know that they want to make a decision with their baby:
‘My itinerary is totally unaffected by Alistair’s need to sleep. He sleeps anywhere and everywhere as soon as he’s tired, and at night he sleeps with me in my bed. Even strongly disapproving grandparents have to admit that he is a charming, pleasant, well mannered and very independent little boy. Child-led parenting isn’t a panacea, but it works well for a significant number of families. Too often “experts” seem to be trying to persuade us that our babies are tyrants needing strict regimes and hard-hearted discipline.’
Monica
What all these families have in common is a sense of certainty. The parents believe in what they are doing, and in their baby’s ability to fit in with it. It seems that babies who feel a sense of their parents’ certainty sleep well.
Every time a new baby is born he brings with him an infinite range of possible relationships. For both of you it is a time of enormous change, and some of the changes may seem awkward and not ‘you’. But by listening to your baby as well as to your inner voice, it is possible to smooth out most conflicts and to become confident of your ability to deal with any problems.
Listening to Your Baby
Take some time to get to know your baby and yourself. Do whatever feels right – gaze into your baby’s eyes, massage his tiny body (more about this in Chapter 8), sing songs, tickle, talk about life, the washing up and the cat, but especially listen and respond to what your baby has to say. Once you and your baby know each other well he can feel how much you love him, and he will be quicker to respond to you. And you can relax, because you know that, whatever happens, he can cope and that you will be there to support him while he does.
‘I really don’t think I was in tune with Laura as a baby. I don’t remember knowing when she wanted feeding, when she wanted sleep. I think I relied on mum more for interpreting her cries. It got worse as I got more fatigued. I had a honeymoon period between three and five months, but then I got postnatal depression.’
Sally, mother of Laura and Annie
Listening to Yourself
If you feel ambivalent about your baby’s sleeping patterns it may be because you haven’t acknowledged what your own needs are.
‘It would be funny if I wasn’t so tired. The other day I was watching him through closed eyes so he couldn’t see that I was awake. He was sitting in bed in between us and just playing and then he looked around and realized that we were both asleep, or so he thought, and he reached over and hit Mike on the back. Mike turned over and mumbled something to him and then fell back asleep. So, Jonathan turned towards me and whacked me until I “woke up”. I thought “Who’s running the show here?” I don’t know. I’d like to have our bed back but Jonathan really seems to need to be with us.’
Sarah, mother of Jonathan, aged seven months
Sometimes practical problems cloud the issue further:
‘I tried to put her in her cot but she didn’t sleep for long. I just didn’t leave her for long. I couldn’t get a routine because I had the other children, and sometimes I was doing different things. She ended up being in our bed and I think I wanted her there. I kept giving her targets. I said: “By the time I get to six weeks she’ll be on her own.” So I felt under pressure a lot of the time. I felt I was letting Pete down. He’s not pushy at all, but every so often he jokes about it.’
Kim, mother of Camlo, five, Evie, two, and Eden, nine months
And sometimes the way we live our lives stops us doing what we want even when we are sure what is for the best.
‘When Bernard was seven weeks old my step-daughter came to live with us. As we only have two bedrooms and our lodger had the second,