If you start to cry, your baby may join in too. Give him a hug.
Once you’ve identified your own emotions it may become easier to listen to your baby’s protest. Is it sad, angry, tired? Whatever it is acknowledge that that is how he feels and that you understand that this is a big, important feeling for him. You could say something like: ‘You sound sad/cross/confused. It can be really hard to cope with big feelings like that.’ You may feel strong and capable when you can hear your baby’s sadness in this way. And he will be able to hear two important messages from the way that you say it: that it’s OK for him to feel like this and that you will support him while he copes.
Explain the Deal
Next, try saying that it’s time for sleep and that you have confidence in his ability to go it alone. True, you may not feel particularly confident that he can do it when you start, but just as you encourage him to feel he can do things during the day, so do the same here. In the day time you encourage him because you know he will do it in the end and you want him to feel good about himself. Going to sleep is also something he will do in the end and feel good about.
Finally, tell him when you’re coming back. Be specific. He may not understand the difference between ‘I’ll be back in a bit’ and ‘I’ll be back in two minutes’ but you do and it will make you feel more in control when you say out loud exactly what you’re going to do. Your baby will pick up a lot of clues from the way that you talk. But if you don’t like the clock-watching approach, a good alternative is to say: ‘I’ll be here when you need me.’ This is specific, because his ‘needs’ define when you come and go, and you’ve already shown that you are tuned into his ‘needs’ by listening to his cry. You are making a commitment to go on listening to him. Now start the behavioural routine you’ve chosen (see Chapter 11 for a range of options), coming and going as appropriate.
In this way you won’t be abandoning him, but loving and letting go: a subtle but powerful difference, which will allow you and your baby to move on in your relationship. You will have really listened to yourself and your baby, acknowledged what you are both feeling and been clear about what has to happen now. It won’t stop the crying immediately, but it may make you more able to deal with the tears. For more on listening to your baby cry, see Chapter 7.
What can I say to my Baby when he goes to Sleep?
• Tell him how you feel. For example: ‘I feel tired/sad/angry.’
• Listen to his cry. Describe it to him. For example: ‘You sound tired/sad/angry.’
• Let him know you care for him. For example: ‘That sounds like it’s a real problem for you.’
• Let him know what you want him to do. For example: ‘I want you to sleep now.’
• Let him feel your confidence in him. For example: ‘This is tough but I know you can do it.’
• Tell him when you’re coming back. For example: ‘I’ll be back in one minute/in the morning/when you need me.’
Choose your own words if these do not feel right to you. Of course, talking to a baby like this may feel ridiculous. This technique isn’t for everyone. You decide whether it’s for you.
3 What does your Baby need for a Good Night’s Sleep?
‘Esme was born when our boy was five years old. Things had changed since he was born. We were much more relaxed as parents, and confident. We were also more aware of our responsibility and ability to encourage patterns of behaviour in our children.’
Brenda and Dave, parents of Mark and Esme
It’s a complex business. Your new born baby will need to be safe (see page 33 on safe sleeping), sleepy and comfortable – fed, clean and dry, warm and free of pain. But from about three months many babies are a little bit more astute and are ready to respond to a more definite timetable. There’s a lot you can do to help your baby learn.
Babies like to understand, but they are not clever enough to grasp a lot of complications – they like things clear and they like repetition. So, to get your baby to understand the idea of going to sleep, you’ll need to have a few clear steps and to go about it in the same way every time (see pages 28–32 for some tips about the end of the day, bedtime routines and sleep associations).
Organizing the Day
Strange as it may seem, having a regular breakfast time has a lot to do with getting a good night’s sleep. Babies don’t fit naturally into the daily pattern of sleeping and waking that we adults take for granted, so if you have a laissez-faire attitude to the day, with moveable feasts and naps when needed, your child might develop the same attitude to bedtimes and night wakings.
‘I really don’t know why Sophie slept through the night from very early – luck maybe! However, I do feel a bedtime routine is essential and even some kind of routine during the day.’
Diane, mother of Sophie, aged 15 months
Many parents find that thinking about the patterns they create during the day as well as at night helps their baby to develop a more regular routine. You may find that a structured day with meals and naps at fairly regular times, give or take ten minutes, gives your child a better chance of a regular bedtime with continuous sleep. If your baby is bathed, fed and sleepy by 6pm, it’s best not to keep him awake waiting for daddy to come home for a cuddle, especially if that could be any time up to 9pm. This doesn’t mean being ruled by the clock. Some days are bound not to fit your pattern. But knowing what your goal is, allows you to respond to your child’s needs while recognizing that flexible routines can provide a reassuring anchor.
‘My first child was a nightmare for nine months, and needed hospitalisation to check there was no underlying problem, he was that bad. I was a single parent at the time and I feel that that contributed to the problem. However, I really believe that developing a good daytime nap routine was the most important thing I did. Within one week of establishing two daytime naps Sam went from screaming every two hours to sleeping through the night. I also used this for number two – it works!’
Fiona
However, some parents feel that routines can get in the way of meeting their own and their children’s needs, and stop them responding to their child as an individual. Many of these parents prefer their children to eat and sleep wherever and whenever they like.
‘By the time he was five months old Thomas occasionally slept through the night. But reading The Continuum Concept made me realize I did feel odd about the hours of separation from him. I decided to continue to sit up and feed him and gently put him in his cot in the evening. When he woke in the night I’d follow how I felt or how he seemed to feel and either take him in with me or to the guest-room double bed for a feed and sleep or just sit up to feed him to sleep again and pop him back in the cot. The sleeping through stopped immediately. But I feel it worked because I gave myself to him 101 % instead of getting annoyed. When he’d perk up after an hour’s feed from 8pm to 9pm and I’d felt he was just dropping off, I’d laugh and say, “Well we’d better go downstairs and see what daddy’s doing.” The key was to be really and truly willing to share his joy of life.’
Sarah
The Choice is Yours
Psychologists have discovered that when adults live in a laboratory for a few days without a watch or clock or any other way of discovering the time,