concern was confusing her, making her feel defensive. ‘I’m sorry – I just mean I can manage on my own.’ Ben turned to her, his hand tightening over hers.
‘You got my text? I didn’t have time to contact you again –’
‘You don’t have to tell me your movements,’ she said, ignoring the hurt look in his eyes. Despite everything she felt for Ben, right now she felt vulnerable and hated it. Not knowing where Jamie had been had brought so many fears to the surface. She was tired and her finger throbbed. ‘I’m sorry, I … I’m tired, that’s all,’ she apologized just as a nurse appeared and called her name.
‘Well, that was hard work,’ puffed Heather, collapsing dramatically onto Ben’s leather sofa. ‘I thought for a moment there, we weren’t going to do it.’
‘I’m not sure how we did but thanks for helping me.’ Eva was perched on the opposite sofa, catching her breath. Somehow, they had managed to lift Ben’s two sofas from the hall, angling them back and forth through the doorway until finally they were back in the living room. The process had involved a fair amount of sweating and swearing.
‘How’s your finger now?’
Eva held it up. ‘Dissolving. Well, the stitches are anyway.’ Eva had been given two stitches at the hospital and Ben had driven her home, a horrible silence settling over them. In one way there was so much to say but the air between them felt so tense, neither of them seemed capable of finding the right thing to say. Ben had driven with a grim determination as if sensing Eva’s need to get home to Jamie. She had thanked him and said goodnight and found Heather waiting for her.
Eva had gone straight to see Jamie and had sat watching him sleeping until she could hardly keep her own eyes open. After a good night’s sleep and a couple of strong painkillers Eva was feeling better by the next morning and well enough to attend to her guests. Everything had gone smoothly with their stay and they had checked out on Wednesday morning seemingly none the wiser to the drama that had unfolded on Monday night. Even Dr Hargreaves bid farewell with a smile.
‘Is Jamie okay after his ordeal?’ Heather asked now.
‘He’s right as rain – you know what kids are like. I don’t know what I would have done without you that night.’
‘It wasn’t only me.’ Heather shot her a meaningful look, which Eva ignored. ‘Have you seen Ben?’
‘Er, not since that night,’ Eva answered lightly.
‘I hope you’re not avoiding him.’
‘Why would I do that?’
‘You tell me. I sense you’re holding back in some way and I can only imagine what’s going on inside that head of yours.’
‘I’ve been busy, that’s all. I wanted to get this room finished.’
Heather stood up casting her a sceptical look. ‘And it looks wonderful, it really does, but you should speak to him. And soon.’
‘I will.’
‘Good because he really is heavenly,’ Heather gushed. ‘Did you see the way he looked at you?’
Eva smiled despite herself. ‘An incurable romantic, aren’t you?’
‘All the time I’ve known you, you’ve worked so hard, Eva. I just think it’s time you did something for yourself. It is all right for you to have a life you know,’ Heather said picking up her bag. ‘Talk to him, that’s all I’m saying. Now, I need to go and collect some children from somewhere.’
Eva shook her head in wonder. ‘I don’t know how you keep track.’
Eva waved Heather off and Ben’s house fell silent. Eva was alone with her thoughts. Did she have a chance of real happiness? She didn’t think so, because now she knew there could be no future for her and Ben.
She’d had a terrible, sleepless night thinking until her head hurt. The conclusion she had reached, sometime around three in the morning, wasn’t one she was happy with but she saw no other way. Her body might want Ben but she’d been unable to reconcile her physical longing with her jumbled thoughts.
She picked up a cloth and spray and started to give the windows a good clean, finding herself mulling over everything again.
Although no harm had come to Jamie, Eva had felt genuine fear for the time he was missing. All the years she had coped, dealing with all the highs and lows of bringing up a child on her own but in that moment when fear had gripped her, she had wanted to run to Ben. Instinctively she had wanted to go to him and for him to somehow make it better. She had felt unable to cope – and admitting she needed Ben wasn’t something that sat comfortably with her; in fact it terrified her.
She thought of the life she had with Jamie. He was the single most important thing in her life. She knew in some ways she had created a bubble for her and Jamie, a place where she felt safe. That had meant keeping Jamie close, focusing on her business and now she realized it also meant not letting anyone in because she never wanted to rely on someone who might not always be there. She didn’t have the luxury of making a mistake, not when she had her son to look after.
She had let Ben infiltrate her safe nest, imagined what life could be like with him, little scenarios playing out in her head. Family occasions, school concerts, and sports days – all those things she had got through by herself. She had let herself get carried away.
Eva shook her head, rubbing hard at a streak that had appeared on the window, feeling angry with herself. She had put herself before Jamie. For those few hours she hadn’t made him her priority and now she was paying the price. Somehow she had lost control of things – feeling unwell, cutting her finger, putting Jamie in danger. The sequence of events all led back to her letting Ben in.
Things had moved too fast. She had given in to her desire too quickly and guilt was eating her up from the inside. Being with Ben had affected her judgement and she had let her guard down. But now she knew what she had to do. She needed to go back to the life she had before Ben.
She stood back, content to see the windows now gleaming, and then pulled out her phone to check the time. Jamie had football after school so there was no rush. She took a long look around the room. With the sofas now in place, the room was finished and she hoped with all her heart Ben liked it.
The room had changed beyond recognition since the MacKenzies lived here and Eva hoped it would be filled with life and happiness again one day. Like all families they’d had their ups and downs but they’d been strong and loving and always there for each other. And wasn’t that what everyone wanted after all? It was certainly all she had ever wanted.
She wasn’t surprised when she heard the key in the door. Maybe in some ways she’d been hoping for Ben to come home so they could have the conversation she knew they had to have. Ignoring her pounding heart she told herself she was doing the right thing. She squared her shoulders, attempting a brightness she didn’t feel, and by the time Ben appeared at the living room door, her smile was in place.
***
Ben guessed Eva had been avoiding him. He understood how difficult it had been for her the night Jamie went missing and had instinctively given her space and time to work things through in her own mind. Today he couldn’t wait any longer; he had to see her. Her hair was held up messily with a clasp and she was wearing her dungarees that he loved so much. She greeted him with a smile but wouldn’t meet his eyes and his heart sank.
‘So, do you like it?’ she asked in an overbright voice, her arm sweeping around the room. Ben hadn’t stepped in the room for days even though he’d known she was close to finishing. Now he was staggered by the transformation, amazed how it had changed from an empty, lifeless space into a beautiful room. She had even managed to make his cold austere furniture look right somehow. Every detail had been thought