I go to. I could book us in for a day after Christmas … we could go together and make a day of it, have a few treatments.’ Eva’s excuse was on the tip of her tongue but she stopped herself. Thinking of how far she and Sarah had come recently, maybe it was time to try and improve relations with her mum and after all, a few spa treatments might not go amiss.
‘That sounds really nice, thanks, Mum.’ Eva was rewarded with a beatific smile.
‘How is Jamie getting on at school?’
Ignoring what she knew was a reference to his academic progress, Eva deliberately focused instead on what mattered to her.
‘He’s great. Making plenty of friends, playing sports. He seems to have settled really well at high school.’
‘And how’s he doing in all his subjects? It’s important he makes a good start in first year.’
‘Of course, and he’s doing fine, Mum,’ Eva reassured her. It had been a bittersweet moment when Jamie had come home proudly declaring his mark to be one of the highest in the class maths test. Clearly Ben was a good teacher but then that didn’t surprise Eva. She looked over at Jamie now standing in the queue with Sarah, something he said making her laugh. Eva returned her focus back to Helen. Unlike her own pallor, her mother’s appearance held an undeniable radiance that Eva assumed was thanks to George.
Sarah and Eva had talked on the phone, Sarah explaining that she and Helen had discussed their ‘new situation’ as she described it. Eva hadn’t asked for the details, feeling it was between Sarah and her mother. As long as they were both happy, that was enough for her. Sarah had made the decision to go to Holland in the New Year for a couple of weeks to see how things went and Eva was thrilled for her and hoped it all worked out with Jon.
‘Sarah told me she’s going to Holland in the New Year,’ she mentioned now.
Helen nodded graciously, as if she was giving the idea her blessing. ‘I think it’s the right thing for her to do and I’m sure it will all work out the way it’s meant to.’
‘And you? You’ll be all right here without her? You know that I can come and help you with anything or you could come to St Andrews.’
‘I know, darling. Thank you but I’ll be fine.’ A faint blush rose in her cheeks. ‘You know about … George?’
‘Yes. And I’m happy for you, Mum.’
Her mother smiled, managing to look demure but slightly uncomfortable at the same time. ‘I wondered if you and Jamie might like to meet him over Christmas – if that would be all right with you?’
Eva nodded. ‘Sure, that’s a good idea.’
‘Oh and another thing.’ Helen paused. ‘I haven’t chosen my kitchen tiles yet and was hoping that maybe you could help me choose?’
‘Of course! I’d be really happy to do that with you, Mum.’ This was a day for surprises.
‘Sarah told me how lovely your house is looking and I know you’ve always had a good eye for colour and design.’ Coming from her mother, that was tantamount to high praise and Eva smiled at her just as Jamie arrived with a tray, everything on it almost sliding off in his hurry to get to the table.
‘Mum! Guess what?’ Eva grabbed the tray just in time. ‘Aunt Sarah said she would take me to a rugby match at Murrayfield.’
‘Really? Wow, that’s great.’
‘Is that all right with you, Eva?’ Sarah checked passing the drinks along.
‘Of course, Jamie will love that,’ Eva replied gratefully.
Helen poured tea from a little cream teapot and looked at her grandson. ‘So, how was your activity weekend, Jamie? Did you have fun?’
‘Awesome. There’s photos I can show you.’
‘You didn’t tell me that, Jamie.’ Eva looked at him in surprise.
Jamie shrugged. ‘They’re up on the website now – can I use your phone, Aunt Sarah?’
‘Sure,’ she replied digging in her bag.
After a few minutes Jamie had called up the website and was providing a running commentary as his finger swiped over the screen. ‘That was the day we did mountain biking – we got to go along these tracks in the forest …’
Eva sipped her coffee watching Jamie recount his experiences. He passed the phone to Eva after he’d finished so she could look at them properly. At first it was odd seeing the evidence of an experience he’d had without her, to know that he would have those memories that didn’t include her.
She zoomed in on a photo of Jamie, rope coiled around his body and his face just visible under his helmet as he prepared to descend a rock face. Eva blinked, an unfamiliar feeling coming over her as she studied the photo of Jamie about to do something dangerous. Instead of reacting with fear, she felt overwhelmingly proud of him.
Wasn’t it wonderful that he was so confident? That he wasn’t afraid? He’d done it all by himself and had coped on his own without her being there. This was just his first school trip – imagine all the other things he still had to experience. She scrolled through more photos, seeing all the children’s faces shining with excitement and a sense of achievement. They were children being children and not scared by life.
Her role as a mother was to protect him, not to hold him back. Life involved opportunities and risks but that was how he would learn. And in that instant Eva knew she had to accept and embrace change. She had to let Jamie live his life and not pass her own fears on to him. Eva swallowed down the lump that had formed in her throat, wondering just how she had let herself become so afraid.
Eva looked over to see her mother looking fondly at Jamie. She was smiling at something he said and as she very precisely placed her cup on its saucer, her gaze caught Eva’s. Eva recognized a softness in her mother’s eyes, one she hadn’t noticed before, and in that moment Eva knew whatever else, her mother loved her. They hadn’t always shared the same outlook on life but if Eva had learnt one thing, it was that there was no easy or perfect way to be a parent. You did the best you could.
Gathering their things, Helen began to list the exhibits they should go and see. Jamie wasn’t looking too enthusiastic until pickled body parts were mentioned and then his face lit up. Sarah and Eva fell in step behind their mother and Jamie as they forged ahead, Helen assuming the role of museum guide.
Eva felt Sarah’s eyes on her. ‘Are you all right?’ she asked.
Eva breathed in deeply, not trusting herself to speak for a moment. Something about the warmth of the museum, the families milling about, and the anticipation of Christmas made her feel disconcerted in some way. She cleared her throat.
‘Of course I’m fine. Why?’ she said with a weak laugh.
‘You just seem a bit quiet – not yourself. Jamie’s okay, isn’t he?’
Something about Sarah’s expression took Eva back to the summer when she had been sixteen and madly in love Danny Collins. Convinced he was about to ask her out, she’d been devastated when he’d started going out instead with Linda Dodds. It had been Sarah who’d told Eva he wasn’t worth it, taking her shopping and telling her everyone knew Linda Dodds was easy anyway. Eva regarded Sarah now, remembering how lucky she’d felt all those years ago to have such a brilliant big sister, and was suddenly overcome by the need to confide.
‘It’s not Jamie. It’s me.’
Sarah stopped in her tracks. ‘You’re not sick are you?’
A rueful laugh came from Eva. ‘I suppose some people might think love is a sickness.’
Sarah’s eyes searched her face. ‘You’re in love?’
‘It would appear so.’
‘Who with?’
Keeping