there nothing on your side, Jaya? Of what we had before?” he asked quietly.
She caught her breath, plunged into the deep end, sinking and sinking, pressure gathering in her ears and pressing outward in her lungs. Her vision blurred because she forgot to blink.
“What did we have?” she asked in a thin voice, reminding herself that neither of them had been seeking a long term relationship that night. Her motives had been, if not emotionless, at least not as simple as his.
“More chemistry than I’ve ever felt for anyone else, before or since.” His blunt words detonated a terrific blush in her, making her cover her hot cheeks and look anywhere but at him.
“I didn’t mean to behave that way,” she moaned, still embarrassed that once hadn’t been enough. Twice had been decadent self-indulgence. The third time had been outright greed, stolen against the hands of the clock.
“I loved how you behaved,” he said, voice low and taut with sweet memory.
Her heart tripped as he began speaking and stumbled into the dust as she realized it wasn’t a declaration of deep feeling. She was still affected, still transported back to a night when touching a man had seemed the most natural, perfect thing in the world to do.
The glint of masculine interest in his eye sparked a depth of need in her she had worried she’d never feel again.
“Okay, then,” he said in a satisfied growl, his fixed gaze weighted with lazy approval.
“Theo, don’t!” She pushed the heels of her hands into her eyes. Her history with him, especially their night together, had stolen a lot of power from her darkest memories, but, “Don’t make assumptions about me and sex. Please. Saying I’m attracted to you doesn’t mean I want to have sex with you. It’s not that simple for me. Ever.”
“Hey, I’m not taking anything for granted,” he admonished. “I realize sex could be a hindrance to our working out a good long-term solution. Much as I want to have an affair with you, if we burn out it would have consequences for Zephyr. I get that.”
Did he? Because she hadn’t got that far. All she could think was that she hadn’t expected to have another shot at sharing Theo’s bed and really didn’t know how she felt about climbing into it again, especially long-term. Talk about assumptions. That would create a lot. All her conflicting yes-no signals were firing, making her cautious even as she found herself literally warming to the idea.
“But you have to admit, we’re a good team, Jaya. That’s all Adara and Gideon had going for them when they married. Maybe they had sexual attraction, I don’t know. I would never ask,” he said with a dismissing sweep of his hand and an expression of juvenile repugnance that would have been laughable if her thoughts weren’t exploding like popcorn kernels in oil.
“You and I have as good a base as they had,” he insisted. “Maybe a better one. We know each other a lot better than they did. An affair, living together... Those are too easy to walk away from. Marriage would force us to work out whatever differences came up. Zephyr needs that kind of stability and commitment. Doesn’t he?”
Here was the clarity he’d told her he was capable of. He could see the right course of action even if he didn’t know whether he could perform it. Even when he wasn’t terribly keen to embrace it.
Still, she was half persuaded by his rationale. He was right and talking about it like they were negotiating a merger kept her from being swept away, allowing her to view the situation objectively.
That’s what she told herself anyway, to counter the thick knot of disappointment sitting in her throat.
“Are you hesitating because of what I told you about my father? You’re worried I’ll resort to abuse?”
“No!” she blurted, heartfelt and sincere. Her waffling feelings were more about having her heart suffer from unrequited attraction than worrying about physical harm.
“If that’s what’s worrying you, admit it. I’ll forget the whole thing. I totally understand.” He stood and caught up Zephyr, repositioning him in the middle of the blanket, his movements hiding his face, but she thought she caught a glint of profound hurt. Maybe something else. A sort of hopeless defeat.
“Theo, I don’t think you could hurt me or Zephyr even if you wanted to. If we needed a snakebite carved out of us, you probably couldn’t do it.”
His glance flickered toward her in acknowledgment, colored with ironic humor, but he moved to stand looking through the glass at the pool. He pushed his hands into his pockets, shoulders slumped.
“You’ve been so willing to listen to everything I’ve told you I let myself believe it didn’t matter, but of course it matters. Of course you have to take time to consider what it means and decide whether you can trust me.”
She was going to have to tell him. She could see his back tensed against the same kind of betrayal and injury he’d already suffered. She couldn’t leave him thinking something as far out of his control as his childhood abuse would cause her to fear him.
Still, her abdomen tightened as if clenching to accept a blow.
“Theo, it’s not you, it’s me.”
He barked out a laugh and sent an askance look over his shoulder. “Okay.”
Not in front of Zephyr, she thought, but their son had tipped onto his side and was contentedly chewing a finger and pedaling his feet. And wasn’t he the manifestation of the goodness that had come out of her bad experience? If she hadn’t been assaulted, she would have stayed in India and married under her uncle’s dictate. Instead, she’d left and wound up meeting Theo and he had changed her life profoundly, giving her this gift.
“I trust you, Theo. I wouldn’t have slept with you in Bali if I didn’t.”
“That’s different. One night is not a lifetime. A pair of lost souls finding comfort in physical pleasure is not marriage. It takes a lot more faith in a person to share every aspect of your life with him. I understand.”
“No, that’s not—” She sighed. “That’s not what Bali was for me. Not all it was.”
He came around a half step, body still in profile, his grave expression watchful. “What do you mean?”
She took a shaky breath. “The reason I left India...” She pinched her lip, trying to stay focused. “I should back up to explain. I’ve told you Saranya and I grew up very close? When I was six, my father had an accident on the tractor and was forced to sign our land over to my uncle. We moved in with them. Our mothers are twins. It’s a big house, not a bad arrangement except that my uncle is quite controlling. He has very traditional views where women are concerned.”
She set the jungle gym over Zephyr so he could swat at the dangling toys.
“Saranya grew up dreaming of being in Bollywood films. Uncle was fit to be tied. He was arranging a marriage for her when Quentin’s crew came into the next village. Saranya was convinced this was her break. In a way it was. They fell in love and she eloped with him.”
“And you were left with her angry, thwarted father.”
She nodded. “And her two brothers and my younger brother and sister. Uncle became more domineering than ever, dictating to my parents how we should behave. It was one of the reasons I was so resolved to get a job, to give my parents money so they wouldn’t be so dependent on him. He objected to me working, saying I should marry, but there were other young people going into call centers, bringing money home. A friend recommended me for a position and it was good work. I improved my English, used their lines to speak with Saranya,” she confessed with a sheepish grin. “Uncle had disowned her, but I missed her.”
“Are you trying to tell me you’re afraid I won’t let you work?”
“There is that, but no, that’s not where I’m going.” Rising to try to escape the cloying sense of helplessness