(e.g., Bippus & Rollin, 2003; Chow et al., 2016; Granot & Mayseless, 2012). Moreover, attachment insecurities reduce the quality and success of flirtation and dating interactions (e.g., McClure & Lydon, 2014; McClure et al., 2010), undermine the quality of interpersonal communication (e.g., Beck et al., 2014; Wegner et al., 2018), and increase the amount and severity of interpersonal conflicts and the reliance on less adaptive ways of managing these conflicts (e.g., Brassard et al., 2009; Creasey, 2014; Overall et al., 2013).
The conclusion that attachment insecurities put people at risk for troubled, unstable relationships is further supported by studies assessing people’s profiles of interpersonal problems (e.g., Bailey et al., 2018; Bartholomew & Horowitz, 1991; and see Hayden et al., 2017, for a meta‐analysis). Attachment anxiety is consistently associated with a higher overall level of interpersonal problems and with notable elevations in problems related to being submissive, exploitable, and overly intrusive/demanding. Avoidant attachment is usually associated with problems related to being overly competitive, cold, and socially withdrawn. In the next section, we turn to experiences of being alone and show that the negative representations of others, interpersonal problems, and low‐quality relationships of insecure people not only make being together difficult and often painful but also bias people’s attitudes toward solitude, interfere with the capacity to be alone, and promote feelings of loneliness.
Attachment Orientations, Solitude, and the Capacity to Be Alone
Being alone is a common human experience during which people can curiously explore, play, learn, and reflect about themselves and the world (e.g., Ainsworth, 1991) and create novel ideas and artworks derived from their own experience (Csikszentmihalyi, 1996). They can also meditate and be more mindful of their current feelings and sensations (Kabat‐Zinn, 1994) and calm themselves and renew feelings of mental energy (Korpela & Staats, Chapter 23). Several writers (e.g., Buchholz, 1997; Larson, 1990; Long & Averill, 2003; Modell, 1993; Winnicott, 1958) have argued that people have an innate need for solitude and that moments or periods of voluntary solitude provide an opportunity to feel free and relaxed and to engage in creative imagination and productive self‐transformation. According to Winnicott (1958), during these moments people can enjoy being with themselves in a relaxed manner without having to react to social demands or others’ influence. This relaxed state allows one to be authentic, spontaneous, creative, autonomous, and in contact with one’s true self (Winnicott, 1963).
However, there are individual differences in the extent to which people experience solitude as a positive state and enjoy the psychological benefits of being alone (e.g., Buchholz & Catton, 1999; Coplan et al., 2018). Research has shown that children, adolescents, and adults differ in their need to be alone (e.g., Coplan et al., 2015) and the extent to which they take pleasure in solitude (e.g., Burger, 1995; Marcoen et al., 1987) and tolerate moments of aloneness (e.g., Bowker & Raja, 2011). Recently, Coplan et al. (2019) introduced the construct of aloneliness to reflect feelings of dissatisfaction that may arise when the need for solitude is not met (i.e., when one wants to spend more time alone than the time one typically spends). Like loneliness, which reflects feelings of dissatisfaction when the need for relatedness is not met, aloneliness was also found to be associated with negative affectivity and depression (Coplan et al., 2019).
According to Winnicott (1958), the capacity to enjoy moments of solitude develops from the calm experience of being alone during infancy in the presence of the attachment figure (usually mother). The presence of what Winnicott (1958, 1963) called a good enough mother, who is reliable, responsive, and sensitive to the infant’s needs, provides a temporal and spatial place for infants to exist in a state of “going‐on‐being.” In this state, since infants are not driven by urgent biological needs and can feel secure in the presence of mother; they can enjoy being in a restful state of mind and experience personal impulses, sensations, or feelings in a mindful and clear manner (Winnicott, 1958). If the mother reacts in an intrusive manner and does not allow her infant to reside in this resting state of aloneness, the infant cannot fully experience and recognize its impulses, sensations, and feelings as part of a comfortably developing self. Similarly, if the mother is not available or responsive when needed, the personal impulses, sensations, and feelings of restful solitude might be overwhelming for the immature infant or pushed aside by concerns about the need for parental attention. In fact, only when mothers (and other parental figures) interact with infants in a loving and nonintrusive manner, can the infants vividly and comfortably notice, enjoy, and explore their inner experiences (Tuber, 2008). Gradually, infants internalize the representation of a loving and supportive parent and become able to enjoy moments of solitude (Winnicott, 1958, 1963).
Following Winnicott’s (1958, 1963) reasoning, we suggest that the capacity to be comfortably and rewardingly alone allows a person to enjoy both a sense of enjoyable selfhood and the feeling of being closely related to loving others. In Winnicott’s (1958) terms, a person who develops the capacity to be alone is never truly alone. Rather, an internalized presence of a loving relationship partner is always available in his or her mind. Therefore, when a healthy capacity to be alone develops normally, moments of solitude activate feelings of personal value and strength by reactivating mental representations of loving and caring others. Winnicott (1958) claimed that a mature adult can use moments of solitude to regulate anxiety and restore emotional equanimity during stressful periods while relying on internalized representations of loving attachment figures. It is therefore important to distinguish between (1) being socially withdrawn and detached from others in a frightening, depressing, or deadening way and (2) having a well‐developed capacity to be comfortably alone while maintaining a close, interdependent relationship with a loving partner. It is also worthwhile to distinguish between the capacity to be alone (i.e., feeling comfortable during periods of solitude) and an affinity or preference for solitude (i.e., being intrinsically motived to actively seek out time alone).
The development of an inner sense of security (Sroufe & Waters’s, 1977, “felt security”) during interactions with a loving and responsive attachment figure is thus an important contributor to developing the capacity to be alone and enjoy solitude. As reviewed above, adults who enjoy a strong sense of attachment security tend to maintain positive representations of relationship partners and to rely on these representations both for mitigating distress and for engaging fully in relaxed and joyful exploration, play, and learning (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2016). These positive representations also allow them to enjoy solitude without being afraid of a partner’s disapproval, rejection, or intrusions. In contrast, attachment insecurities may interfere with the ability to enjoy and benefit from solitude and may foster what Goosens and colleagues called aversion to aloneness (e.g., Danneel et al., 2018; Marcoen et al., 1987).
Difficulty in enjoying solitude might be especially pronounced in people who score high in attachment anxiety, because they have an unmet desire to be very close to their relationship partner and are prone to worry or even panic when this closeness seems unavailable at a particular time. They also tend to worry that their partner might abandon them if they pay too much attention to their own wishes and needs or engage in independent activities (Hazan & Shaver, 1987; Shaver & Mikulincer, 2002). Moreover, attachment‐anxious individuals might be less accepting of their partner’s moments or periods of solitude, interpreting them as signs of inattention, rejection, or unavailability, increasing the impulse to intrude into a partner’s personal space (Lavy et al., 2013). For attachment‐avoidant people, solitude might serve as an at‐first desirable means to deactivate attachment needs and feelings, which is their main defensive maneuver (Hazan & Shaver, 1987; Shaver & Mikulincer, 2002). But this can lead to feelings of boredom and meaninglessness, which is the way avoidant people habitually feel during moments of aloneness (Tidwell et al., 1996). It might also become an excuse for sustaining psychological distance from a partner, gradually causing the relationship to fail.
Unfortunately, there has been no systematic, published research program examining links between attachment orientations and solitude. However, a recently unpublished master’s thesis conducted by the third author (Gal, 2019) provides initial evidence on these links. Gal (2019)