love
Part 1. Heart fetters
Maxim Yurievich Mazhorin
Translator Maria Sergeevna Gubareva
© Maxim Yurievich Mazhorin, 2017
© Maria Sergeevna Gubareva, translation, 2017
ISBN 978-5-4485-6099-6
Created with Ridero smart publishing system
Every minute a human fights for his survival. Every day a human is forced to do something for feeding, clothing, taking care of himself and his family members. But if a human stops and does not eat, drink, sew clothes, build a house, does not go to work, then he will just freeze to death or die of hunger and thirst. One lives in a village, other lives in a city, but both have to make an effort.
My name is Elena. I am 16 years old. My life is this very book which will be written throughout my life.
I was born with a dual nature, like all the other people. There is good and evil inside me. There are certain advantages, qualities and traits of character, as well as there are big and small drawbacks inside me. And what is more, with a mighty heave I want to find the truth, because I often look at the sky and feel someone’s love and attraction. But very often I feel heartfelt anger and resentment toward other people for unfair treatment to me.
I did not like the evil half of me at all. I had a touchy temper and I really hated when someone looked unkindly at me and said something contrary to me. When someone told me something offensive, I was very much offended, and could be angry at a person for weeks, and then I could just reject that person in my mind forever. And in this case my heart always said, “Get out of my sight and never appear in my life again! You are nobody for me. Do not ever call me or write to me! I do not want to know you anymore!!!”
I wanted to have someone to love me very much, but my parents could not give me the love that would soothe and satisfy me. My mother often told me: “Elena! Don’t we love you? Just look, how we take care of you. Father and I go to work to feed you and buy clothes to you, and you’re still not satisfied. A human should be happy with what he has! Is it clear, Elena?”
For several thousands of years many people in many countries have been dying of hunger, wars and epidemics. Recently I have been dying too, but I have not been dying because of these things, I have been dying because of hateful insults living inside me, as well as pride and the rest of the evil malware. I wanted to get rid of all this growing evil living inside me, but some people would not let me do it. I wanted to love and have inner peace and quiet, but again and again someone offended me, and then for a few days or even for months my interior filled with bitter grumpy proud to my oppressors.
In my thoughts I sawed in half each my abuser, beat him or her with a hammer, or just miscalled them in my mind. Hatred and resentment took me away from love, and I just did not want to live like that anymore. This evil had no limit. I could strongly offend everybody and say whatever I want in response. I could say absolutely hated insult to everyone. Of course, these little resentments helped me to shape not very good temper. There were no borders in my heart. Any rule or boundary began to irritate and annoy me, and I did not feel completely free. Soon I began to lash out at my mother with various scathing words and even composed whole scathing sentences towards her, which brought her to frenzy. My mother sat down on the bed, sighed heavily and took a glass of water with some drops with trembled hands. When my cries had gone too far and my mother’s words again and again turned me on, my heart began to experience the pleasure of a new feeling for me. I got some pleasure from the fact that my mother began to suffer. Seeing her suffering, I was turning into a real minor sadist and continued to add fuel to the fire. Then, without asking her forgiveness, I just went to bed quietly.
I could not stop the process that was going on inside me. A neighbor, who lived above us, once told me a few words, for which I became very angry with him. “Elena, why are you so rude with your mother?” he asked. But my heart hardened, and I said: “Do not poke your nose where it should not be! Who are you to teach me?” He replied in a calm manner: “I’ll pray for you, Elena”. But I whipped out a reply: “You do not need to pray for me. Pray for yourself!”
A little bit later there was no space for something good in my heart, and I felt like some evil spirit had settled in my head. Bad thoughts, anger, rage, resentment, screaming, desire for revenge, pride, irascibility, no abstinence, very bad mood and excessively pressing suspicious depression filled my heart to overflowing and obscured my mind.
My neighbor, who rebuked me, believed in God and several times talked to me about sins. He told me also that God is very merciful, but does not like sins. He said that God wants me to live properly that is without sins and with love, and told me to make it a rule to go to a church. This man once sat on a bench and read the Bible. His kind face and kind eyes, for some reason, irritated me very much. I felt some rejection to him, so, I did not like him terribly because of the fact that he had not a drop of evil in himself. It looked like he was not very cool. I did not love him because he pointed out how I should live. But still, when someone did something wrong to me, deep inside of my heart I imagined that I sit with him on the bench and feel his loving eyes and imagine how he console me when I feel bad. When I calmed down, the man began to irritate me again like no other.
Once I met him in the entrance and I said to him with anger: “Love does not exist. Why do you always take your bible with you and teach everybody how to live?! It would be better if you take the matter in hand!” He nodded, but did not answer. When I went to bed, some suspicious remorse used to came into my heart. As if some kind of mind said to me, regretting the incident: “Why did you hurt this good man?” Incriminating torments increased, and I decided to go to this man tomorrow and apologize. But when I woke up early in the morning I was shy to go to him and I thought: “Maybe it is not necessary to go, I just will not hurt him anymore.”
Good and evil fought inside me, and I did not understand what was going on. Hundreds of thousands different thoughts and desires lived inside me and dictated the opposite. It seemed that I could not be able to cope with it, since evil picture was drawn more detailed than the kind one. Even concerning my neighbor I have developed a wicked way of thinking, which told me: “Do you think that that person can be loved? Don’t you know that there is no man in the world whom you can trust, because perfect people do not exist actually? No one can be loved. All the people are very bad. It is just enough to offend some person, and he or she will show his or her real nature. Therefore, there is no good and love in the world …!” Millions of thoughts in my head tried to create a particular image in my mind. The first image was an ideal good man. But the second image instilled that I would wallow in evil forever, because evil is my close relative.
My evil mind told me: “Your neighbor is just an extremely boring character. Your girlfriends with evil minds are how much better. You will never be bored with them. Live as you live, without changes. Otherwise you may become like this unusual man who just reads his Bible and prays to his God. If you remember, you always agonized over rules and boundaries. Do you want to suffer from some rules and commandments of invisible God? After all, it is easy to become hysterical, irritated and angry with the people when they ill-use with you. You love evil which is your closest relative and friend. Why should you sit down on a bench to your neighbor, who is actually very boring? And if you offend him, what would he do then? He would just stand silently like not a real man. You have seen how humbly he swallowed your offense, not answering anything to you. Is it attractive? You should understand a very important thing. You should not humbly take offense. In the eyes of your friends and other people you will look like a nincompoop. Do you remember how your girlfriend attacked her verbal abuser with fists? Now nobody can say her anything. You should behave similarly till the end of your days, and you should know that all the people are very mean and no one can be loved. Just know it hard. You need to think only about yourself in this world. Man is a wolf to man, and not only the wolf, but the terrible wild animal.
Time rapidly passed by and every time I met him I still looked at my neighbor evilly and mumbled greetings to him with a malicious smile. Many people told me that I was bold and evil. But