itself, but I no longer spend time analysing what has occurred. With the help of a new book I recently discovered which talks in depth about angels, I feel that I can at least justify what happens to me. It answers some of the very searching questions I’ve longed to ask, in a way that I can understand. For the first time ever I feel that maybe it is real and it feels I’ve jumped a big hurdle. Alex and I have discussed it at great length and he too is responsible for a major part of the change in me. He’s open-minded, but prepared to challenge anything he feels isn’t quite right. Maybe he’s intuitive too, he’s never admitted as much but he definitely has an understanding way beyond most other people’s comprehension.
Mason has backed off and Scott’s replacement was eventually announced. It’s no big surprise that it’s a guy and an external applicant. It recently came to light that he’s the son of an old friend of Mason’s. It’s clear Mason took my answer as the rebuff it was intended to be, but in all honesty it’s only a job to me. No more, no less. All I know for sure is that if Alex left tomorrow, then I would too.
Alex. Buff, sexy as hell, trustworthy, grounded…what more can I say? I’m in love with him and I know that’s dangerous. It puts our friendship in jeopardy and alcohol can never come into the equation again when we are alone together. If it does, and we end up in bed again, then I will risk losing that precious friendship. He still hasn’t told me the story of his broken heart and I don’t feel I can ask him about it. On the bright side, he’s in a happy place. Work keeps his mind busy. We spend a lot of time together outside of the office now and neither of us mentions dating. Yes, we are aware that love should be a part of our respective lives, but you can’t control your fate. Maybe we are destined to be best buddies until one, or both of us, finds that perfect partner. If I’m truthful, I’d happily ask Alex to move in with me. He puts a skip in my walk and he understands me. But love has to be reciprocal, and I think I’m more of a sister to him—ignoring our one, drunken, night of passion. Maybe that was the point of that little episode, to show us that friendship is more valuable than the excitement of a one-night stand. But I can’t help the attraction I feel for him and the way my heartbeat races whenever he’s really close to me. It’s tantalising and it adds a little spice to my life. I know that makes me sound like I’m a total flirt, which honestly isn’t the case. I simply want to be with Alex. I feel renewed whenever he’s around.
I am enjoying life though. I worry about Seb, of course, and the lack of contact. However, I understand his need to get away from everything that reminds him of Anna. Alex helps me to put everything into perspective and I know that I didn’t destroy Seb’s happiness; fate did. My brother is a strong person, he’ll figure out what comes next.
Suddenly the sun seems to shine that little bit brighter and instead of viewing my life by seeing only a series of problems at every turn, I feel that I have real choices. I can always walk away from something and I don’t have to feel guilty. How much of that is down to the healthy eating, exercise and supplement regime Alex has talked me into, I’m not sure. Working out alongside my best buddy means I can’t slack off and I’m feeling in the best shape physically that I’ve been for a long time. I’ve declined a few offers from guys at the gym to go out for a drink, simply because I no longer feel there is anything missing from my life. I’m happy with things the way they are for the moment.
It sounds like every day is bright and breezy, but of course that isn’t the case. But something has changed on the psychic front too. Before, each time I saw something it was a different person. More and more whenever that happens, it’s the same man who appears. I never see a real close-up, it’s too indistinct, but his shape is easily recognisable. This one change has made a big difference because instead of feeling freaked out, I feel a sense of being protected. There is a definite connection. I can’t explain it in any other way. This guy isn’t coming to scare me, but he’s helping me deal with each situation. He even smiles sometimes, although it’s the briefest of moments and it’s as much about feeling that as it is seeing his expression. Maybe the cosmos has decided to give me a break, or maybe Alex’s calming influence means I’m more relaxed about it all, I’m not sure. There’s no point in trying to second guess the reason, when I’ll probably never know what triggered the change.
I do have one theory that I haven’t mentioned to Alex. I opened the package of jewellery that Anna’s mother sent to me. I held Anna’s necklace in my hands and asked her to forgive me for ever thinking she would knowingly hurt my brother. I talked to her and emptied my heart of the regrets I felt and the sadness for the loss of someone so young. Maybe those on the other side were listening and decided to take pity on me, sending me my own guardian angel.
As Christmas came around I missed Seb so much, but was very excited to receive an email from him. He was in Australia and working on some sort of scheme to help disabled children. He sounded fine, grateful he was able to do something that at least had some purpose to it. I didn’t tell him about Anna’s jewellery, it’s still too soon.
New Year’s Eve was strange when I found myself under the mistletoe and face to face with Alex, as if we were a couple. I wanted to kiss him so much and felt myself drawing nearer to his mouth. He turned at the crucial moment when someone called his name, seemingly unaware of my intention. I felt cheated, robbed of a precious moment that I would have remembered forever. He hugs me every day that we’re together, but it ends there and it’s clear that he doesn’t want any romantic involvement. I’ll be honest—it’s tough. Not least because I’m beginning to think that Alex could be the special one I’ve been searching for all of my life. I can’t risk losing him, so I have to accept that having his friendship is better than nothing at all.
Sheena came home for a spell after New Year’s and it’s great to have my best girlfriend to myself for a while. I introduce her to Alex and she confirms that I must have been insane to think he was gay.
“Tasty,” she drools, when she gives me her initial reaction.
“He’s not a cake Sheena,” I reply, rather offended that she should refer to my Alex in such a base way. A part of me agrees though and I still experience flashbacks from our drunken night of passion. It’s enough to give me a warm glow inside and make me shake my head with regret that he doesn’t feel the same way about me.
Sheena insists I go with her on a double date with two guys she’s recently met and I mention it to Alex. I wonder if I have an ulterior motive and what I really want is to make him feel jealous. Instead he tells me it will do me good and so, reluctantly, I make up the foursome for dinner. Carl and Luke are typical of the type of guy Sheena gravitates towards: smart, savvy, and high-income—very materialistic. I end up alone at the table with Luke, when Sheena and Carl stand up to dance. He’s friendly enough, but the conversation is hard work.
“Who do you work for?” is his opener and my heart sinks. I talk briefly about my job and then ask him what he does for a living. He talks non-stop for the next hour, thinking he’s impressing me by dropping some big names in the music industry. I feign interest, but really I’m clock watching and can’t wait for the evening to be over.
***
The next day Alex is in a strange mood. He asks about the date but doesn’t seem too interested in my answer, which is only to say that it was okay but nothing special. I decide he’s having an off day and that I should give him some space. I’m getting ready to leave for the day when he suddenly looks up and asks if I want to grab something to eat at his place. I’ve never been invited back before, so obviously I’m intrigued. I accept gracefully and he scribbles down his address.
I change my mind several times over what I’m going to wear. I don’t want to be too casual and I can’t be too dressy. Alex’s dress sense is perfect, but then he looks great in everything. I end up settling for black linen trousers, a crisp white cotton top, and a thin taupe-coloured knitted jacket. I decide to go by taxi in case I have a drink; a girl has to live in hope!
Sheena phones as I’m literally about to step out of the door. “I’m on my way to have dinner over at Alex’s place.” I hope she doesn’t invite herself along, it’s the sort of thing Sheena does without thinking. I’m relieved when she tells me she is meeting up with Carl a bit later.