away. There are no guarantees he’ll ever see me in a different light.
Dinner is wonderful and a real surprise. That is, unless he bought it in pre-made and simply opened the boxes to heat it up. The kitchen is surprisingly tidy given that we had three courses, but there is enough evidence of chopping and slicing to convince me he knows what he’s doing.
“Penny for your thoughts,” he asks, leaning in to attract my attention.
“I was thinking that you are a much better cook than I am. I hope you cheated.”
“I never cheat, it’s not in my nature,” he drawls.
“Of course, I know that. You’re much too good.” It was a simple remark, made off the top of my head. His reaction to my words is unexpected: the look on his face seems to indicate I’ve said something to really hurt him.
“If you think I don’t have feelings, you would be wrong,” he says in a clipped tone. Sitting back in his chair he twirls the stem of his wine glass in his fingers. He’s obviously distracted and deep in thought—about what exactly, I have no idea. I change the subject and insist on clearing the table and stacking the dishwasher. Afterwards we head into the sitting room. I’m about to sit down when Alex unexpectedly takes one step nearer to me. I can feel his breath on the side of my face and I wonder if the wine is kicking in, but we’ve only drunk half a bottle between us during dinner.
“Ceri, I am attracted to you but that doesn’t make it right,” his words are slightly muffled and I’m not sure if it’s emotion or he’s upset.
“That’s…um…I understand.” Of course I do. He had a bad experience and someone broke his heart. He doesn’t want to use me when his affections are elsewhere. Before I can think about what is happening, his arms are around me and this isn’t a gentle hug. His body presses up hard against mine and he kisses me fiercely. I can feel the passion in him and he’s holding me as if he never wants to let me go.
My mind whirls. What’s going on? This isn’t some alcohol induced embrace, it’s something more. But he made it clear that he’s not free to fall in love with someone else. My conscience tells me to pull away, that it’s one of those crazy moments when someone lets down their guard. It’s about a need, rather than needing a particular someone. But I can’t pull away and before I know it we’re heading for his bedroom. I’m not strong enough to fight what’s in my heart, even though I know Alex will probably regret it in the morning.
The thing is—I won’t.
The morning after the night before is surprisingly relaxed considering the potential awkwardness of the situation. Because we were both sober, clearly it meant something. What exactly, I’m not sure either of us has yet been able to work out. Alex isn’t regretful at all and certainly wasn’t last night; in fact we spent most of it awake and wrapped up in each other’s arms. The only thing he said that made me feel uneasy, was when he snuggled into my neck and let out a sigh.
“It’s not right Ceri,” he murmured in a low voice, and his breath on my skin made my heart miss a beat. “I’m using you and it’s not fair.”
“How can you use someone when you aren’t hiding anything?” I retorted. Hey, I’m a big girl and I can make my own decisions. It all feels very right to me, but I can’t say that in case it’s too much, too soon. One day, maybe in the not too distant future. I begin to feel like I’m trying to trap him and that isn’t the case. Or am I simply trying to fool myself?
We call into my place on the way to work so that I can put on some fresh clothes. Alex seems comfortable enough waiting for me, and when I finish changing and walk into the sitting room he’s reading one of the books off the shelf.
“Can I borrow this one?” he asks, holding it up.
“Living with Angels by Ethan Morris. It’s a good book.” I nod, thinking that of all the books I have that’s probably the one I would have recommended. Does it mean we’re getting even closer and Alex is keen to understand a little more about the other side of my life?
It’s an easy start to the day, but once we hit the office things start going wrong. Mason is in a really bad mood and everyone is on edge. The fact that Alex and I arrive together is unusual and doesn’t go unnoticed. Mason hauls me into his office five minutes later.
He starts complaining that we’re running behind on the schedule and implies that our minds aren’t on the job.
“I don’t encourage relationships between members of my staff,” he sneers. I feel my face colouring. I have to bite my tongue not to bring up the out of hours socialising that went with the job he’d offered me. “And you’re late.” It isn’t true of course, we were bang on time, but then we usually arrive early and never together. It would be today, when everything was kicking off, that we were the last to arrive. I walk back to the office and Alex looks up at me a little sheepishly.
“I’ve got you into trouble,” he says.
“It’s no big deal, Mason’s in a mood because one of the clients isn’t happy. It’s not even anything to do with us. Let’s keep our heads down until the panic is over.”
***
At the end of the day Alex gives me a lift home.
“Why don’t you stay?” I offer, keeping my fingers crossed he’ll give in.
“I can’t, it wouldn’t be right.”
My face falls and he looks cross.
“Ceri, I’ve been straight with you from the start. Last night was a big mistake, the first time it was the alcohol. Last night it was passion: a relationship is about more than that and I’m sorry it happened.”
I’m stunned. He didn’t look sorry last night or this morning. “I wish you’d be honest with me. You don’t really regret last night, do you? It didn’t feel that way and I thought—”
“You thought I was falling for you? I’ve told you the situation I’m in and there can never be anything long-term between us. I took advantage of you, what more can I say other than I’m sorry and it was wrong of me? I’m a man, we do that sort of thing. You are a beautiful young woman Ceri and any man would find it hard to say no to you.”
His words sting. My head is all over the place while I struggle to understand what he’s saying. Did he think I had come on to him? I cast my mind back, one minute we were talking and then the next he was pressing up against me. He kissed me. I’m sure of it.
“Does it matter whose fault it was? That doesn’t make it wrong, not if it felt right at the time,” I raise my voice, angry because I can’t understand why we’re arguing.
He crosses his arms, his body language telling me not to invade his space and risk stepping closer. “Perhaps you make it too easy,” he throws at me, and that’s the final straw.
“If that’s what you think then you’d better leave,” I say and he follows me to the door. I slam it behind him and lean against the wall, willing my racing heart to slow down.
I’m not exactly sure what happened. Is he saying I’m a tease, or that I’m trying to trap him because he’s made it clear his heart belongs to someone else? Where are my angels when I need a little help for me? It seems they have gone rather quiet lately and I wonder why that might be.
***
I can’t eat so I go to bed early, grabbing the first book on hand. I flip a few pages but my mind keeps going over and over the words that Alex flung at me. I can’t understand what’s going