of the hotel staff enters the room carrying a tray of glasses of water, orange juice and tea. She does the rounds in silence, her face immobile. All around are little groups of people, huddled together. Some are still crying, others look ashen. Most of the family members are nowhere to be seen. How can this have happened? How can someone so radiant and happy suddenly let go of life as if it were a tenuous thread? Anna was healthy, this was the day about which she had dreamed all of her life. A part of me knows that I can’t be with Seb at the moment and that he can’t be with me, but I need to find out who’s with him.
“Have you seen Seb?” I ask the woman who handed me the tissues.
“He’s with Anna’s mother and the doctor. Best leave them for a while.” She chokes back a sob. “You’re Seb’s sister, aren’t you? I’m Anna’s aunt, Claire.”
We acknowledge each other briefly with a nod, both trying to hold back the tears that keep filling our eyes. Looking around the room there are no words to deal with this moment, everyone is in a state of complete and utter shock. There is a low murmur hovering over people while they console each other.
“Do you know what happened? I think I fainted. I remember Tom helping me onto the sofa,” I take a glass of water from the tray offered to me and Claire takes one too. We sip in silence.
“I didn’t realise anything was wrong until I heard someone scream out. I think it was Anna’s mother, then Seb ran past me and he began shouting for help. The doctor arrived a little while ago and shortly afterwards someone came in to say that Anna was dead. I can’t believe it. She was fine this morning, a little nervous, but radiant.” Another tear rolls down Claire’s face and I can no longer stem my own tears. She places her hand over mine and squeezes. The unthinkable has happened. Anna has hurt Seb, but not in the way I had expected and my heart sends out a silent sorry. I knew it from the very start of their relationship, only I didn’t understand how or why it would happen. In my heart I can feel that a little part of my brother died with Anna today and I know there is nothing I can do to ease his pain.
***
I extend my leave from work by another four days. It seems that every day is worse than the one before, while the reality of what has happened really begins to sink in. Seb can’t talk to me yet about his feelings and I understand that. He has to keep going in the only way he knows how, and that’s to hold his emotions in check while he helps Anna’s family make the funeral arrangements. Alex offered to be my escort and he slept over for the first two nights after that fateful day. Nothing happened between us. We lay in bed, his arms around me and he let me cry. I slept fitfully, full of remorse and guilt. Another person I wasn’t able to save. I had let my brother down. What good is a gift if you can’t use it to help those you love, if you can’t protect them from the pain of an unnecessary loss? Seb has been robbed of his chance of happiness and left with a scar that will probably never heal. It would have been better to find out your partner has cheated on you, at least then there is a focus for your anger. I’m worried Seb will focus his anger on me and my inability to recognise a warning. Anna had a rare heart condition. The doctor said it’s something that often goes unnoticed if it doesn’t present any symptoms early on. She was unlucky he’d said, as if life was a lottery and the ticket Anna had purchased wasn’t a winner.
Everything happens for a reason and I keep saying that, except I can’t think of any reason or logic behind Anna’s death. The rest of Seb’s life will be over-shadowed by the loss of her love, so where’s the reasoning in that?
“Don’t,” Alex says, standing up and coming over to me. He throws his arms around me gently and squeezes lightly. “Don’t keep going over and over it in your head. It is what it is, you can’t change anything. It wasn’t your fault Ceri, no one is blaming you.”
I know his words are meant with kindness and I’m hearing them, but the pain I feel for Seb is real. The link between us means a part of me deep inside feels icy cold with the emotion he’s battling to contain. Men feel they have to be strong when the going gets tough, but this is something totally different. No one is equipped with a coping mechanism for this sort of tragedy, we each have to vent our feelings or risk becoming damaged.
“Sleep,” Alex whispers into my hair. “Tomorrow you have to go into work and begin functioning again. Life goes on Ceri, it’s the sad truth and I can appreciate how awful that must sound to you at this moment in time. People suffer and some things don’t make any sense, but life doesn’t stop. You have to make yourself strong for the funeral, for Seb. That’s something positive you can do. For the moment though, it’s time to rest.”
He backs me onto the bed, rolls me on my side with a tenderness that is heart-breaking and slips off my shoes. Sleep comes quickly, but the dreams are disturbing.
***
The funeral is the worst day imaginable. Seb is strong, but almost collapses towards the end of the ceremony celebrating Anna’s life. Tom is there next to him and they sit throughout the last part of the service. He pulls himself together and stands next to Anna’s parents while everyone filters out of the church.
It’s a bright day, the wind is chilly but the sky is blue and the birds are singing as if this isn’t one of the saddest days most of us here have ever experienced. It doesn’t seem real, but one look at Seb’s face reminds me that it is.
Within a week he’s gone. A hastily scribbled letter drops onto my doormat.
I’m running away, I guess you knew that would happen. I can’t be here Ceri, I can’t pretend I want to get up each morning and think about pulling my life back together. I’m not sure what I’m going to do, but I’ll be in touch when I can. I know you will understand, please apologise to those who don’t. This isn’t cowardice, this is survival. Take care of yourself.
And Ceri, you weren’t to know.
Seb x
I was thankful knowing Seb didn’t blame me for anything and a little relieved. Alex had Googled undiagnosed heart conditions and made me sit in front of the computer to read some of the stories. There was a bride of five months who died instantly when she stepped out of the Jacuzzi. Can you imagine that? Her husband was heart-broken and my heart cried out in sorrow, knowing the pain he was going through. But at least he’d had five months, five golden months with wonderful memories. I wanted that for Seb, but you can’t turn back the hands of time.
About a month later, with no news from Seb, I received a small package in the post. There was a note inside from Anna’s mother and something wrapped up in tissue paper.
I know that Seb needs distance to sort out his life, but I hope that someday he’ll think about the time they did have together. About the happiness they shared. Our precious daughter is even more precious in death. We are clinging on to the good times and are determined to celebrate her life.
We wondered if you would look after the necklace that Seb bought for Anna to wear on her wedding day and the matching earrings, your lovely gift to her celebrating the friendship between the two of you. I think she would have wanted you to have them. Whether one day you pass them on to Seb, we are content to leave up to you. It seems too sad to leave them in a box with some of her other things and it felt the right thing to do. We think it’s what she would have wanted; she spoke very highly of you.
Angela
It must have been so hard for her to write that note. I can’t bring myself to open the package. I want to remember Anna wearing them and the sparkle in her eyes. I tuck them away in the corner of a drawer for safe-keeping. I have no idea when I will see Seb again, but I know it won’t be any time soon.