books, movies, videos, and blogs out there that focus on the realities of living in our world as an LGBTQ+ person, the history of LGBTQ+ discrimination, and why allies are so important. They have been created with the purpose of motivating non-LGBTQ+ individuals to get involved. This book is not one of them. If you picked up this book, it’s my hope that you are already on board with the idea that the world needs to be more LGBTQ+ inclusive and you want to know how you can help.
This book is a collection of the tools and skills that I have discovered over the past fifteen years to be most useful in being an ally to the LGBTQ+ communities. It includes pointers for having respectful and effective conversations, the most common places that allies get tripped up or stuck, and best-practice solutions for creating spaces that are LGBTQ+ inclusive. The book is divided into four main sections dealing with the following topics: (1) becoming knowledgeable allies, (2) building skills for having respectful conversations, (3) taking action to create more LGBTQ+ inclusive spaces, and (4) allying responsibly. My goal in writing this book is to create allies who are more active, who are kind to themselves, and who find ways to make allyship a sustainable part of their everyday life, not a frenzied burst of action followed by exhaustion or disillusionment. This book helps you navigate an often confusing and intimidating world of identities and terms and offers suggestions for creating positive change with your words and actions. It’s not as daunting as it may seem. You’ve got this!
DEFINING ALLY BROADLY
An ally is a person who is not a part of a particular marginalized group but who stands up for and advocates for the rights of people in that group. Typically when we see the word ally in the context of LGBTQ+ advocacy, we think only of the person who is straight (i.e., heterosexual) and not transgender. However, we all can be LGBTQ+ allies, even if we are a part of the LGBTQ+ communities. If you are a lesbian, you can be an ally to the bisexual/pansexual communities. If you are a white transgender woman, you can support and advocate for trans-gender women of color.
One of my favorite post-training evaluation comments that I often receive from LGBTQ+ participants is: “Wow! I learned so much about the LGBTQ+ communities! I didn’t know how much I didn’t know!” You may be an expert on your own identity and community and yet know very little about others under the LGBTQ+ umbrella or how to be an ally to other communities. This book is for us all.
BRINGING MY FRIENDS ALONG FOR THE RIDE
Throughout my ally journey, LGBTQ+ community members and other allies generously shared their stories and experiences with me to help me understand concepts. With their permission, I have included quotes, stories, and experiences from my friends and colleagues to help bring concepts to light with voices from the LGBTQ+ and allied communities. When they desired it, I have honored these people by using their real names; I have used aliases for those who preferred anonymity. Thank you to all who have shared your personal experiences. You have made this book explode with personality, warmth, and humanity. It feels so right and so good to bring you all along with me for the ride.
PRACTICE MAKES PRETTY DARN GOOD
This book is not about how to be a perfect ally; it’s about how to be a pretty darn good one. In an interview with VolleyballUSA magazine, three-time Olympic gold medalist Karch Kiraly advises: “Focus on just being good, play after play. Trying to be perfect often leads to poorer and less consistent performance.”1 Telling ourselves that we must perform perfectly sets us up to fail. It puts so much pressure on us that instead of elevating our game, it typically has the opposite effect.
My colleague Noah, a straight, white, transgender man, has gotten closer to becoming a perfect ally than anyone else I know. He is dedicated to social justice, he reads voraciously on the topic, he understands the nuances of advocacy work, and he is incredibly thoughtful and intentional in his language. He is my go-to guy whenever I need someone to discuss a social justice issue or concern. Here are his thoughts on perfect allies:
I am far more interested in the Intentional Allies, folks who work hard toward the goal of advocating frequently but not every second of every day, than the Perfect Allies, folks who respond to every comment every time. I think living and acting intentionally is a far more manageable and sustainable experience…. Sustained 50 percent is better than a burst of 100 percent followed by burnout.
This book is about creating and maintaining pretty darn good allies by embracing our vulnerability, forgiving ourselves when we mess up, and working to be better.
THE POWER OF THE ALLY
Social justice movements need allies. Our numbers alone can help shift cultural norms and public perceptions of marginalized groups. But allies offer more than just bodies. Here are some of the valuable gifts that allies bring to social justice movements.
Allies Can Help Validate a Cause
You may be reading this book because you have an LGBTQ+ child, parent, or friend, and that’s wonderful. I applaud you for seeking more ways to support them. The best-known ally organization in the nation is PFLAG, which was started by a gay man’s mom. I don’t have an LGBTQ+ child, and at the time that I began my work as a volunteer, I didn’t have any local LGBTQ+ friends or acquaintances either. Because of this, many people asked me why I was getting involved. Think for a moment about the powerful statement made by this question. The implication is that no one would be involved in a particular social justice issue if it weren’t about themselves, their family members, or their friends. Initially I was concerned that I wouldn’t be welcome because I didn’t have an LGBTQ+ family member. In the end, I found great value in sharing that I did not, as a way of validating the fight for LGBTQ+ equity and inclusion on its own merits.
Allies Can Be a Cultural Bridge
Because allies are not a part of the marginalized group, they often have a keen understanding of the myths, stereotypes, misunderstandings, and fears that get in the way of acceptance and that hold people back from getting involved (e.g., unflattering and inaccurate media portrayals of LGBTQ+ people, no personal connections to the LGBTQ+ communities, and the fear of saying something offensive). These obstacles may be the very same things that initially held us back in our own journey as allies. But the more we learn about LGBTQ+ individuals and communities, the better we become at changing hearts and minds outside those communities. We can help to bridge the gap between these two worlds and aid in understanding and communication.
Allies Can Be Possibility Models
The wonderful Laverne Cox, transgender advocate, actress, and star of the show Orange Is the New Black, came up with the phrase “possibility model.” In an interview with RadioTimes, she said, “I hate the term ‘role model.’ It’s presumptuous to think that anyone should model their life after you, but I do like the term ‘possibility model.’”2
I love this sentiment. One of the most amazing things I am able to do through my work is to be a possibility model for others. I was pleasantly surprised to find out how many ally wannabes there were in my midst. When I began talking about the work I was doing, I discovered that many of my friends and acquaintances were also fully on board with LGBTQ+ rights and inclusion and just didn’t know what needed to be done or how to get involved. One of the projects I took on for our center was facilitating our bike ride fundraiser. Through this ride I assembled an army of allies. They were able to access communities previously unreached by LGBTQ+ advocates and talk about why they rode.