I am not a part of the LGBTQ+ communities, part of my growth as an ally was learning to navigate conversations about my identity and understanding when it was and when it wasn’t important to share it. It became apparent early on that others often assumed that I was a lesbian. (Not shocking. I worked for an LGBTQ+ center and I wore comfortable shoes.)
FUN FACT
You can’t really identify a lesbian by her shoes. (See chapter 6 on gaydar.)
Well, I wasn’t a lesbian and I didn’t “become” one either. Fifteen years working at an LGBTQ+ center and I didn’t “catch the gay.” I am living proof that it’s not contagious. (Yes, that’s a joke.) Often it was easier and more comfortable to simply let people assume that I was a member of the LGBTQ+ communities. However, there were many times when my voice as an ally was critical.
I learned that because of my identity as an ally, I have access to systems of power and communities of people that LGBTQ+ people often don’t. Due to homophobia, biphobia, transphobia, and the fact that I am perceived as less threatening when I disclose that I am not LGBTQ+, I am able to have conversations around social change with people and in places that my LGBTQ+ friends cannot. I can wallow in this pitiful situation or I can view it as an opportunity to give something back to a community of people who have welcomed me with open arms. I choose the latter.
WHAT’S YOUR STORY?
As I mentioned earlier, this book isn’t about why you should be an ally; it’s about how to be an ally. The rest of this book will be focused on actions for helping to make the world a better and more inclusive place. However, I always get the “why” questions as I do this work, and I suspect you do (or you will) as well. Why are you so passionate? Why this social justice issue? Why are LGBTQ+ rights so important to you? Your responses to these questions can be a powerful tool for creating change and I encourage you to think about your answers. Here’s one of mine.
I once asked my grandmother how the Holocaust happened. She was an elderly Jewish woman, and I thought she would be able to explain it to me. I wanted to know the details, like why the Jewish people didn’t run, hide, or rip the Star of David from their clothing. But my grandmother had grown up in Brooklyn, and she couldn’t explain it to me any better than the history books could.
It wasn’t until I read Schindler’s List that I began to understand the process of systematic oppression that had taken place: starting with the name-calling and scapegoating, moving gradually into discrimination and segregation, and on to acts of violence and eventually to genocide.
For many people the Holocaust must feel like ancient history. But for others—like me, in my fifties—it was shockingly recent. After hiding in a friend’s attic for more than two years, Anne Frank was killed a mere eighteen years before I was born.
One of my biggest fears is that I will be able to explain to my grandchildren exactly how something like this could happen. How first we allowed doctors to refuse care to LGBTQ+ people because it went against their religious beliefs. How we then removed safe access to bathrooms and other facilities for transgender people. How there were mass shootings in LGBTQ+ spaces, until, finally, I had people hiding in my attic.
I refuse to allow this to become my future story. It’s why I do the work that I do. It’s why I wrote this book. Allies are a mighty and necessary force for any social justice movement. If you are inspired to be a part of that force, or you are already, I hope this book will give you tools for your adventure. If the fire to create change is not yet burning within you, I am honored that you are giving me the opportunity to light the match.
NOTES
1. Don Patterson, “40 Keys to Volleyball Greatness,” VolleyballUSA (summer 2014): 39.
2. “Orange Is the New Black’s Wonder Woman Laverne Cox on Being a Transgender Trailblazer,” RadioTimes, July 26, 2015, https://www.radiotimes.com/news/2015-07-26/orange-is-the-new-blacks-wonder-woman-laverne-cox-on-being-a-transgender-trailblazer/.
Part I BECOMING KNOWLEDGEABLE ALLIES
It’s “I-dentity” not “YOU-dentity.” Respect people’s right to self-define.
—Robyn Ochs
I have added a glossary of some of the basic LGBTQ+ terms at the back of this book for you to use as a reference. Identities are incredibly important, and I will share more about why that is later in this chapter. However, I have found that focusing too heavily on a large glossary of terms has the opposite effect than one might hope. People can get so intimidated by the enormous number of terms and identities that instead of having conversations, they are completely silenced by their fear that they are accidentally going to say something wrong, outdated, or insulting.
Instead, in this book, I am choosing to share tips on how to navigate respectful conversations with LGBTQ+ individuals even if you don’t know or remember any of the proper terms. So when you have a moment, feel free to take a look at the basic glossary of LGBTQ+ terms and identities that I have provided at the back. Read the warning first and then proceed with caution. Do become familiar with the words. Do not walk through the world with your glossary in hand, labeling people.
With all of that said, there are three terms I would like to focus on in this chapter in order to ensure we are all on the same page so you can get the most out of this book. They are cisgender, LGBTQ+, and queer.
CISGENDER
The first term is one I already had to dance around in chapter 1, so it’s definitely time to define it. This word is an excellent one to add to your vocabulary, if it’s not there already. From here on I use it throughout the book. The word is cisgender. A cisgender person is an individual whose sex assigned at birth matches their gender identity, or who they know themselves to be. In other words, if the doctor or midwife said, “It’s a girl!” when you arrived on the planet and as you grew that fit for you—most likely so well you never even thought about whether it fit or not—you are cisgender. It’s a word that means “not transgender.”
For those of you who are word nerds and get excited by etymology, the prefixes cis and trans originally come from Latin. Cis means “on this side of” and trans means “across” or “on the far side.” So a very simplified way of thinking about this is if the sex you were assigned at birth matches or is on the same side as your gender identity, you are cisgender. If these things do not match or are across from each other, you are trans.
LGBTQ+
You have probably seen many versions of the LGBTQ+ initialism. Here is a brief history of my experience with the initialism and why I have