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I hope I live to see a time when we all can just identify as human, but the reality is that we have a lot more work to do before we get there. We will know we’re there when legal rights and protections are in place for everyone; when people stop making assumptions that everyone is straight and cisgender; when it’s as easy for someone to come out as any of the identities under the LGBTQ+ umbrella as it was for me to come out as a straight, cisgender person; and when no one gives a rat’s tushie how anyone else identifies. We are definitely not there yet. There’s lots more savvy ally work to be done.
FUN FACT
Many people refer to the LGBTQ+ abbreviation as an acronym. However, an acronym is an invented word that has been created using the letters in the abbreviation, like MADD (Mothers Against Drunk Driving) or DARE (Drug Abuse Resistance Education). LGBTQ+ is actually an initialism because each letter is stated individually.
NOTE
1. Alex Myers, “Why We Need More Queer Identity Labels, Not Fewer,” Slate, January 16, 2018, https://slate.com/human-interest/2018/01/lgbtq-people-need-more-labels-not-fewer.html.
I’ve endured years of misery and gone to enormous lengths to live a lie. I was certain that my world would fall apart if anyone knew. And yet when I acknowledged my sexuality I felt whole for the first time.
—Jason Collins
WHY THE BIG REVEAL?
“Mom, Dad& please sit down. I’ve got something to tell you. I know this is going to come as a surprise, but for a long time now I have known something about myself and it’s time that I shared it with you…. I’m, um … straight.” Nope. It never happens. Straight and cisgender people don’t have to come out. They are pretty much just out.
Let’s think about that for a moment. Why is that? Straight and cisgender people don’t have to come out because we meet all of the expectations of who we “should” be. (Please notice the quotation marks here.) I was assigned female at birth and that fit for me. I never questioned it. My parents expected me to grow up to be straight and I did. How do I know that my parents expected me to grow up to be straight? Because everything I ever heard from them regarding a future partner (boyfriend/husband) and every book they ever read to me was heterosexually oriented. Straight/cisgender people don’t ever have to come out because our orientation and gender are correctly assumed; we have met expectations and we are on the “right” course.
What this means for our LGBTQ+ friends, of course, is that unless they have grown up in a completely isolated, super-inclusive bubble—where they didn’t go to school, had no contact with other children, weren’t a part of any faith community, didn’t play on any sports teams, didn’t watch popular movies, and didn’t read popular books—they have gotten the impression, as they figured out their identities, that they were on the “wrong” course.
As the education director at the LGBTQ+ center where I worked, I was in charge of training all of our volunteer Speakers Bureau members. Therefore, I had the privilege of hearing hundreds of coming-out stories. One of the things that struck me was that every speaker had an extremely difficult time coming out to their parents. This was true even when their stories involved parents who constantly let their child know that they would be loved no matter what, who made a point of talking positively about LGBTQ+ people, and who had LGBTQ+ friends who were welcomed into their homes. What these speakers shared with me was that the negative messages they received about being LGBTQ+ from the outside world were much stronger than the positive messages they were getting inside of their homes.
Since the legislation of marriage equality on a national level, I find that people often believe that we are now in a pretty good place in our country regarding LGBTQ+ rights, inclusion, and acceptance, and that our work is done. It’s not.
THE COMING-OUT PROCESS
Our society’s limited expectations of and assumptions about who people are and who they should be gives LGBTQ+ people two choices that they must constantly make as they go about their daily business: They must either come out or live a lie. Please bear with me while I repeat that; I don’t want anyone to miss it: Our society forces LGBTQ+ people to constantly either come out or lie. Most LGBTQ+ people do not come out to shock people or because they want to be “in your face” with their sexuality. They come out because we as a society have a limited and narrow view of who people are and who they should be, and LGBTQ+ people do not fit those expectations. This is not because there is a problem with LGBTQ+ people. This is because there is a problem with our society.
What does it look like when you don’t fit into society’s expected identity boxes? How do you come to terms with that and lead a healthy and happy life? It’s a process. Having a basic understanding of that process is essential for allies. It helps us understand why sometimes anger is directed toward straight, cisgender people for no apparent reason at all; why having positive LGBTQ+ role models is so critical; why an LGBTQ+ person might tell hurtful gay jokes; and why being supportive and kind when someone comes out to you is so very important.
In order to understand the process, we are going to look at a developmental model of coming out. There are many models out there in the world, but one of the first, developed in 1979 by therapist Vivienne Cass,1 is the model that most of the others have sprung from.
As is true with all developmental models, it will ring true for some people and it will not for others, so please understand that I am not claiming that all LGBTQ+ individuals feel this model resonates with them. It doesn’t. However, my experience has been that this model resonates with a heck of a lot of LGBTQ+ people and that it’s a very useful tool for understanding.
Here is my personal synopsis of the six stages of coming out as LGBTQ+, adapted from Cass’s model, followed by an example of how a person might behave in each of the stages.
Identity Confusion
Identity confusion is the stage where the individual feels different. They may not even be thinking along the lines of LGBTQ+ identities yet. They just know that they are not like the others. The big question is, “Who am I?”
Identity Comparison
In the identity comparison stage the person asks themselves, “Might I be [gay, lesbian, transgender, etc.]?” and begins to look out into the world and compare themselves to what they know about these people.
Remember when professional basketball player Jason Collins came out as gay? There was a great deal of pushback from people who wondered, “Why did he have to come out? Couldn’t he just be a basketball player? Why is his sexual orientation important?” The identity comparison stage is why having a professional athlete like Collins publicly come out is so important.
Think about a teenage boy in this stage trying to figure out if he might be gay. He looks out into the world to see what it means to be a gay man, what that looks like, and how it’s received. If he looks out and he only sees negative images and stereotypes