time of this book’s publication, in my current location in Upstate New York, the full initialism most often being used is LGBTQQIAA2SPP. This stands for “lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, questioning, intersex, asexual, ally, Two-Spirit, pansexual, and polyamorous.” (If you are unfamiliar with any of these identities, please take a look at that glossary at the back of the book.) The reality is that the LGBTQQIAA2SPP initialism is large, somewhat intimidating, and—most importantly—ever changing. In addition, what nonprofit LGBTQ+ center can afford the ink to print that whole thing out on its brochures? (Yes, that’s also a joke.) The “+” was created not to devalue the identities that come after the “Q” but to make the initialism more user-friendly and always relevant. LGBTQ+ stands for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer/questioning, plus so much more!
Here is the history of the progression of the commonly used initialism during my work as an ally over the past fifteen years. When I first started in 2003, the initialism being used most often was GLBT. A few years later it had changed to LGBT. I believe the thinking around this was, “Hey! Why do men always get listed first? Let’s put women first for a change.” Which is cool. If I ran the world, I would change up the order of the letters every five years or so, just to keep it fair: “Congratulations to our bisexual friends! It’s your turn at the front!”
About five or six years later, around 2013, many organizations had changed the initialism on their websites and literature to LGBTQ in an attempt to be even more inclusive. The Q can stand for questioning, or queer, or both.
The word questioning is often included in the initialism to help us remember and embrace the fact that for many people, identity is ever changing. Understanding who we are and defining our attractions can be a long process and may change over time. Many social and support groups include the word questioning in the list of people who are welcome to join them so that individuals know they can attend the group even if they haven’t got it all figured out yet.
In 2018 our local agency made the excellent decision to change the initialism used on its website and all materials to LGBTQ+. I notice that many other agencies have done the same. I have chosen to use it throughout my book in an effort to be as inclusive as possible.
QUEER
Historically the word queer was used in an offensive and hurtful way, and there are folks who will never feel comfortable using it. Typically, these tend to be older folks who experienced the use of the word queer in a derogatory way, but sometimes it’s younger folks too. Some LGBTQ+ people, however, have reclaimed this word and love it! The word queer can be used as an identity to define a person’s orientation, gender, or both. So basically, anyone who is not straight and cisgender might embrace this term.
Reasons I have heard that explain why an individual might refer to themselves as queer include:
A person may be several of the identities in the LGBTQ+ initialism, so no one letter or single identity word works for them. For example, they may be a bisexual, polyamorous trans woman.
A person might use the term queer because, although they are proud to be a part of the community, they don’t feel like they should have to identify as one or several of the letters.
A person might find that their identities are ever changing and evolving.
POP QUIZ
Choose all that apply.
A. Queer is an offensive word that historically was used against LGBTQ+ people and should never be used.
B. Some people love the word queer and others hate it. Proceed with caution.
C. Queer is a word that has been reclaimed by the LGBTQ+ communities and is now okay to use (e.g., queer studies and Queer Eye for the Straight Guy).
Answer: B
We have no way of knowing how someone feels about the word queer unless we ask. It’s a hot topic. If you get a bunch of LGBTQ+ people in a room and ask them how they feel about the word, you could be there for months listening to the answers. A best-practice tip for allies is to avoid using the word unless you hear someone embracing it as their identity word.
So how do we navigate a world where people have such different opinions about the word queer? How do we know who loves the word and who hates it? How can we have conversations with LGBTQ+ people without giving offense? We will get to that in chapter 5.
WHY DO THERE HAVE TO BE SO MANY IDENTITIES?
A very common question is: “Why do we need all of these identities? Can’t we just all be human?” I do love the sentiment behind this question, and typically it is asked by people who are coming from a really good and respectful place. But unfortunately, it’s just not that simple. Understanding and being able to explain why there need to be so many identities is a great task for a savvy ally!
So let’s begin dissecting this question by thinking about who is asking it. Typically this question comes from someone who has already figured out their identity or identities and has their word or words locked in place. Often, if the asker is straight and cisgender, they never even had to think about the fact that their identity words were readily accessible, because their identity matched societal expectations.
Interestingly, this question can and does also come from folks within the LGBTQ+ communities. A young, straight trans man who became one of our agency’s very best facilitators admits that, before he started his work as an LGBTQ+ educator, he also used to ask this question. He looked at relatively new identity words like genderqueer, pansexual, nonbinary, and agender and thought, “Really? Enough already! This is getting ridiculous.” He now understands that, because he had found his identity words (straight and transgender), his hunt was over. These words fit for him, and in general, they are understood and accepted words in the English language. He was now in a place of relative comfort with his identity words as he observed others still seeking their words. And he thought to himself, “Can’t we stop already with all of these new words?”
Every single word was once new. Words are created when there is a need. The word cisgender, which I defined above, is a great example. Why did we need a word that meant not transgender? Well, first of all, saying, “I’m a straight, nontransgender ally” is clunky. More importantly, before we had a term that meant not transgender, people often used words like normal—as in, “I’m not transgender. I’m normal,” which is pretty darn offensive.
Here is the story of someone whose identity word had not yet been created in her language. Dee is a transgender woman who grew up in the Philippines. She knew from an early age that she felt different, but she wasn’t sure why. As she looked out into the world to see if there was anyone else like her and to try and find out who she was, she landed on the word bakla. It was the only word she could find in her language. Dee told me that bakla was a term used for a person who was identified male at birth but expressed themselves in a very feminine manner. There were no separate Filipino words for a gay man, a transgender woman, and a cross-dressing man; they all just got lumped together and labeled bakla. So the understanding was that a cisgender gay man was the same as trans woman. What this meant for Dee was that she hung out at school with the gay guys and got labeled by others as bakla, but the term never really fit for her. When she was introduced to the English word transgender, a lightbulb went off in her head—Dee had found her identity word!
According to trans advocate Alex Myers, “Adding more labels to the acronym isn’t about making sure all the snowflakes know they are special. These labels save lives. These labels create a powerful sense of understanding and self-acceptance. The fact that the acronym has become a target for mockery