are some key points to keep in mind.
Coming Out Is a Lifelong Process
Coming out for LGBTQ+ people is not a single event. Folks do not leap from the closet on their official coming-out day with Diana Ross’s “I’m Coming Out” blasting in the background—“Ta-da! I’m out!”—never to return to the closet ever again. (I find this unfortunate, because that would be pretty fabulous.) Coming out is a lifelong process.
My friend Jonathan, a gay man, was buying flowers for his husband at the grocery store a few years ago. Very kindly, just making conversation, the cashier said, “Oh, those are beautiful. Are they for your wife?” Jonathan had just popped into the market to purchase flowers, and now he was faced with a decision about whether to come out to the cashier or not.
The decision to come out or not, at any given moment, depends on many factors, not the least of which is safety. Lesbian comedian Sabrina Matthews recalls one of these moments: “I remember flying through Dallas/Fort Worth Airport on National Coming Out Day with my National Coming Out Day tee shirt on because I’m proud … and my sweatshirt over that, because I’m smart.”5
The idea that people can create safe and welcoming spaces with their language is an incredibly important one. As allies, we should strive to model inclusive language at all times and educate others on its importance. In chapter 5, we will look at language choices that won’t force people into the come-out-or-lie position.
The Process Is Not Always Linear
Some folks find that they move in a very linear fashion through the six stages of the Cass model. Others jump around a bit, skip stages, go back, and generally travel through them like an Upstate New York driver in March, skidding and swerving down a pothole-filled street. People can actually move across several stages in the very same day. For example, let’s think about a college student who is in the identity synthesis stage on campus. They are out to all their friends and they speak freely about their identity. Then they return home for Thanksgiving to a family that has indicated that being LGBTQ+ is not okay, and they slide back into the identity tolerance stage, hiding their identity and feeling unhappy about who they are. People may spend a lifetime jumping around in the different stages, depending on whom they are with and how open and accepting the environment feels.
It’s So Much Fun, Some Folks Do It Twice!
Okay, I’m actually kidding about it being fun, but some folks definitely go through the process of coming out twice or even more times than that. I know several straight, transgender men who came out first as cisgender lesbians. Most of them didn’t even know the word transgender at their first coming out, so they didn’t have that identity word to latch on to. (Remember our earlier discussion about the importance of all of those identity words?) So as they began looking out into the world during the identity comparison stage, they grabbed hold of the term lesbian. They knew they were attracted to girls/women, and lesbian fit a lot better than straight. Many of these men got all the way into the identity pride stage before they heard the term transgender, met some transgender people, and eventually realized that the reason they felt so different wasn’t their sexual orientation but instead their gender. Then they had to backtrack and come out again with their new identity as straight transgender men. My friend Sean, a bisexual trans man, who traveled a long, winding road of self-discovery around both his sexual orientation and gender, jokes about how at one point or another in his life, he was every single letter of the LGBTQ initialism.
It’s Not Just for LGBTQ+ People
This developmental model was originally based on cisgender gay men and cis-gender lesbian women. However, it resonates with lots of other folks both within the LGBTQ+ communities and outside of the LGBTQ+ communities.
My friend Todd is Deaf. His parents, wanting only what they felt was best for him, insisted that he learn to read lips and speak so that he could fit into the hearing world. He lived in a rural town, so he didn’t know there was a Deaf community and, as a child, was never exposed to sign language. When he moved to Upstate New York, he found others like himself. He shared with me that he went through every one of the Cass model stages as a Deaf man. When he hit that pride stage he said that it felt so amazing to be with other people like himself, to find community and understanding, and to embrace American Sign Language (ASL) as his language. Hearing friends and coworkers, who did not understand this fantastic feeling of connection and community, felt that he had gotten a bit “aggressive” with the whole Deaf thing and that he needed to tone it down a bit. Todd was “flaunting” his Deafness. Sound familiar?
Even family members and friends of LGBTQ+ people find that this model rings true for them. My friend Wanda, a cisgender lesbian, grew up in Puerto Rico. When she was eighteen her mother woke her up at 5:00 one morning, handed her a plane ticket, and sent her to a mental health institution in New York to be “fixed.” She didn’t even get a chance to say good-bye to her siblings. After this incident, Wanda’s mom went through a journey that involved lots of time, new information, and, finally, interactions with her daughter, who was clearly so much happier and healthier as an out lesbian. Wanda’s mom moved slowly from the stages of confusion, comparison, and tolerance into the stage of acceptance of her daughter’s identity. Several years later, Mom was in her pride stage, marching alongside her daughter in our local Pride parade! I believe she has toned it down a bit recently and is less likely to “flaunt” her pride for her daughter, but she still loves a good drag show. The first response from someone to whom a friend or family member has just come out is likely to be different from how they feel years, months, or possibly even days later. Friends and family members may need to go through their own coming-out process as supporters and allies.
Coming Out Is Not Always the Immediate Goal
I hope that someday we will live in a world where everyone can live authentically and be out in all aspects of their lives, but that’s not the reality for many LGBTQ+ folks. Unfortunately, many people are in environments where it’s not safe to come out. Therefore, we should not think of coming out as an absolute, essential, and immediate goal for everyone. If a young person comes to you, for example, and shares that they are thinking of coming out to their parents, consider asking the youth how their parents are likely to respond. If there is a reasonable chance that this youth will end up homeless or without any financial support, then perhaps coming out should not be the goal at that time. That conversation should wait until the youth is less dependent on their parents for basic needs or until the youth has a solid safety net and a support system in place.
WHAT TO SAY WHEN SOMEONE COMES OUT TO YOU
Coming out as LGBTQ+ is often scary, and it’s a big deal. What does that mean, then, if someone comes out to you? Typically it means that this person trusts you immensely. It’s a huge compliment. Therefore, a great thing to say, if you are so inclined, is, “Thank you.” You might say, “Thank you for trusting me enough to let me know,” or, “Thank you for caring about our relationship and for being so honest with me.”
After thanking them, I would recommend mostly listening. Let them take the lead on what they want to talk about. They may, in fact, not want to talk about anything. It may just be a huge relief to tell someone and know that they are supported.
If there is an awkward silence you could throw in one or two of these comments as well:
“Congratulations! I’m so happy for you.”
“I’m here for you.”
“I just want you to know