speed, sold the home I had renovated with my husband, and moved into a place of my own — all the while showing up for people as a coach and inspirational speaker, which was not easy in the midst of my own Expectation Hangover. I was dealing with the shame I had about my “failed” marriage and had to quiet the “Who am I to give advice when my own life is not turning out the way I planned?” judgments. What I realized is that I am one of the best people to be teaching about Expectation Hangovers because I learned how to move through each one and walk through those doorways of transformation that were opening all around me.
When I wrote previous books, I felt I had proven techniques for overcoming Expectation Hangovers because I had created certain external results. But my most recent Expectation Hangover was different. This time I don’t have a “happy ending” that would “prove” I treated my hangover effectively. But I am happier than I’ve ever been before because I’ve freed myself from suffering even though my life doesn’t look the way I expected it would.
Even the things that feel absolutely miserable are in service to our growth, learning, and healing. The cure to Expectation Hangovers is not to figure out another way to get what we thought we wanted, but rather to move out of our own way enough to see what we really need.
“Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves.”
— Henry David Thoreau
THE WHATS AND WHYS OF EXPECTATION HANGOVERS
“Sometimes things have to go wrong in order to go right.”
— Sherrilyn Kenyon
We are all consumers of expectations. They are easy to come by — from parents, family, friends, the media — and many are self-created. Maybe it’s to be successful, get married, have children, look good, make a difference, please others… The list is endless, especially in today’s world, where there are constant opportunities to compare ourselves to others and look for ways to be more, better, or different. Never before have expectations been so high in terms of what humans are capable of, and this creates a paradox of opportunity and pressure.
Expectations are pervasive in our lives, and most of us are conditioned to be driven by them and to attempt to realize them. But we didn’t start out that way. We are all born in a state of pure Love where there are absolutely no expectations. Think of it as our “original innocence.” When you were born, you knew these Truths: You are whole and complete. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You are worthy and deserving. You can trust the Universe. You have a deep inner knowing. You are connected. All there is and all that matters is Love. You are Love.
And then you got older. And things happened that moved you out of love and into fear: someone criticized you; you only got praised for your accomplishments; someone left or wasn’t there for you; you saw people fighting or got yelled at; your heart got broken; you were told your dreams were impossible; you felt incredible pressure to succeed; you got rejected; you made a mistake and judged yourself a failure; you compared yourself to others and believed they were better in some way. Or perhaps you had a blissful childhood and grew up expecting the adult world to be the same way. The moment you got your first reality check in the form of a disappointment was the moment you moved into fear.
When in the grip of fear, we experience disconnection and a sense of emptiness. The voice of our ego and the voices of others become much louder than our inner voice and Spirit, and we feel alone and separate. To manage the disconnection, we start to be driven by what we expect will make us feel loved again. To fill the emptiness, we create expectations of what we believe will fulfill us. Our expectations then become our compass, which often navigates us right into an Expectation Hangover.
“When one door closes, another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.”
— Alexander Graham Bell
“EXPECTATION HANGOVER” DEFINED
You probably have a good sense of what an Expectation Hangover is by now, but here is my official definition: the myriad undesirable feelings, thoughts, and responses present when one or a combination of the following things occurs:
• Things don’t turn out the way you thought, planned, or wanted them to.
• Things do turn out according to your plans and desires, but you don’t feel the fulfillment you expected.
• You are unable to meet your personal and/or professional expectations.
• An undesired, unexpected event occurs that is in conflict with what you wanted or planned.
There are many different types of Expectation Hangover, but they usually fall into one of the following three categories:
Situational Expectation Hangovers. These occur when something does not turn out the way we wanted or we do not get the anticipated satisfaction from achieving a result. Michelle worked so hard to pursue a career in law, but it turned out to be nothing like she expected; she found herself dreading going to work each day. Jason spent over a decade at a company and was promised a hefty promotion but was laid off with no warning.
Interpersonal Expectation Hangovers. This kind of Expectation Hangover occurs when we are let down by someone else or unpleasantly surprised by the actions of another. Jeff got a call that his son, who had always been his pride and joy, was arrested for drug possession. Sarah went on what she thought was a fantastic date but never heard from the guy again.
Self-imposed Expectation Hangovers. These occur when we do not live up to the standards or goals we have set for ourselves. In other words, we are disappointed in ourselves and the results we’ve achieved or failed to achieve. Richard spent a year studying for the medical school entrance exam but did not score high enough to get into the school of his choice. Chelsea gave her first presentation at work and left feeling like she completely dropped the ball.
Although the cast of characters and specific circumstances of an Expectation Hangover vary, the symptoms are generally similar to those of a hangover from alcohol but far more miserable and lasting:
• lack of motivation
• depression
• anxiety
• regret
• physical discomfort
• confusion
• irritability
• self-judgment
• denial
• addictive behavior
• lethargy
• anger
• shame
• guilt
• poor work performance
• diminished creativity
• strained relationships
• faith crises
• social withdrawal
• wanting to stay in bed, turn off the lights, and pull the covers over your head
Our beliefs and self-talk fuel a lot of the symptoms we experience during an Expectation Hangover. When things don’t go our way, it is natural to buy into debilitating thoughts like “I am not enough,” “I did something wrong,” “Everyone else is better than me,” “I’ll be alone forever,” “I’ll never be successful,” “Things never work out for me,” and so on. If something unexpected happens to disrupt the image of who we think we are, we squirm, complain, and attempt to control it because our sense of identity is threatened. Our self-esteem plummets, and we may begin