can often lead to a sense of entitlement that will ultimately become alienating. A good, old-fashioned Expectation Hangover is just the reality check we need to stop thinking the world revolves around us.
Having been at his company for a year, Dylan expected to be treated with more respect, have his ideas taken more seriously, and receive a raise. He was frustrated and about to resign, but then he got fired for having a “bad attitude.” Dylan not only was shocked, but also felt wronged. “How could they do this to me?” he was asking. I worked with Dylan on taking responsibility for his part in the situation by looking at how his expectations affected the way others perceived him on the job. I challenged Dylan to question whether his expectations were realistic, given that this was his first job out of grad school and that he was the youngest one at the company. As he took a step back and viewed the situation without taking it personally, he was able to see that he was coming across as having a sense of entitlement. Because Dylan was so focused on what he wanted and thought he deserved, he missed opportunities to be a team player. Fortunately, he was willing to leverage his disappointment and approach his next job search with humility. Four months later he was hired at a start-up where he works in an extremely collaborative environment and loves being a team player. He goes to work focused on what he can contribute rather than being obsessed with what he expects for himself. Keeping his expectations in check prepared him to thrive in this new environment. Disappointment may knock us off our pedestal pretty quickly if our expectations have gotten a little too self-focused and out of touch with reality. This is truly a blessing because, ultimately, a pedestal is a very lonely place to be.
Sometimes our expectations are based in fantasy, and we encounter an Expectation Hangover that feels like punishment when in reality it is saving us from future suffering. My client Jennifer was devastated when she confessed her feelings to a man she thought she was in love with and he rejected her. After her honesty and vulnerability, she felt very humbled and embarrassed, yet she eventually realized she was more in love with the idea of him than with the actual person. Her fantasy-based expectations of what their life together would be like kept her from seeing he was a bit of a player who had no intention of being in the kind of partnership she wanted. Although it was temporarily painful, she was eventually grateful to have the short-term pain instead of going into a relationship that most likely would have come with a lot of suffering.
Not clinging to fixed ideals helps you see more clearly because your vision is not obstructed by fear or desire. Jennifer decided she would be open to God putting the right person in her life instead of obsessively attempting to find him on her own. Ironically, just as she stopped searching for “the one,” she found him. Two years after coming to me for help, she moved into a new apartment and married the man who lived across the hall.
Keep these lessons in mind and begin looking at your life as a grand adventure that offers many opportunities to grow. When we are committed to our values but set our expectations free, we create more space for unexpected opportunities that can lead to happiness rather than a hangover.
“When you dance, your purpose is not to get to a certain place on the floor. It’s to enjoy each step along the way.”
— Wayne Dyer
“Numbing the pain for a while will make it worse when you finally feel it.”
— J. K. Rowling
How do you treat Expectation Hangovers? Well, it takes a lot more than two aspirin, some greasy food, and staying inside with the lights low. There are ways to experience temporary relief from hangover-like symptoms, but for permanent relief a comprehensive treatment and prevention plan is required. This is quite different from the way most of us face our hangovers — struggling to endure them and looking for something or someone to make us feel better. So before we talk about what does work, we need to talk about what doesn’t. The six most commonly used yet ineffective strategies for coping with Expectation Hangovers are summarized in this chapter.
An Expectation Hangover is the elephant in the room that you’d love to ignore. So instead of truly acknowledging it and facing it head-on, you channel all your energy into something else as a way to avoid it. You keep adding things to your to-do list, crowding out any contemplative space in your life. Your life is full of busyness, not fulfillment. You take a vacation, hoping that a tan will rid you of your worries; you dodge conversations or connections with people that may require vulnerability; you find a project or person to obsess about, to remove the focus from your own pain; or you immerse yourself in some kind of adventure that will distract you from dealing with what is.
“I gave up my job in Switzerland to be with my husband in the United States but found myself in the middle of a divorce just a year later. I kept myself very busy — too busy — so I wouldn’t have to think about what went wrong. I worked full-time, studied part-time, and started to build my writing career. After almost two years of being a workaholic, I couldn’t handle the stress anymore and crashed. I guess I still have some unfinished business to attend to, and I am doing it piece by piece now that I have some room to breathe and the strength to deal with it.”
— Isabelle
Consider: How do you distract yourself from focusing on your Expectation Hangover? How do you avoid truly dealing with disappointment?
Instead of diverting the pain of an Expectation Hangover, you may use some kind of numbing, or suppression, technique. Common methods of numbing include drinking, eating, working, spending money, watching TV, escaping with drugs (prescription or street), spending time on social media, internet surfing, and overexercising. Any kind of addictive behavior that keeps you from truly feeling is a form of suppression. Numbing is easy to do because there is no shortage of quick pick-me-ups and distractions. However, numbing is one of the most damaging coping strategies due to the high level of stimulation it involves. In order to maintain a particular level of suppression over time, you have to keep upping the ante and increasing the stimulation. So the longer you suppress by numbing, the more dependent you become on your suppression tool of choice.
“I was the ‘other woman,’ believing he would leave his girlfriend for me. When I realized this wasn’t going to happen, I didn’t want to get out of bed. Chocolate, wine, and TV became my best friends.”
— Francesca
Consider: What substances or behaviors do you use to numb yourself? When you want to get rid of an unpleasant feeling or thought, what do you crave?
When something disappointing happens, we often buy into the assumption that we are being tested and that passing the test depends on pushing through and persevering, without giving ourselves permission to fully feel. We live in a world where being strong and pretending nothing is bothering us is not only common, but rewarded. “Be strong” is one of the most common pieces of advice I’ve heard, and it’s one of my least favorite because the implication is we shouldn’t feel. We put on a mask, trying to look strong on the outside while falling apart on the inside. Being strong is overrated. Pushing away an Expectation Hangover usually means you’re going to be pushing aside some valuable learning and healing. Vulnerability is a powerful tool for healing. Harshness and mental toughness diminish vulnerability. Perseverance is important when leveraging Expectation Hangovers, but the key is to persevere through your Expectation Hangover rather than mustering the strength to push it away or jump over it.
“On the outside I acted like it was all fine — I was a tough girl. Everyone said, ‘Oh, it will just take time.’ I stopped