a deeper sense of trust emerges. And I don’t just mean trust in the Universe or a Higher Power; I mean trust in yourself and your own capacity to respond to life in an optimal way. Besides, if you knew everything that was going to happen, you would miss out on life’s pleasant surprises.
“What I have realized from my Expectation Hangover is that you never really ‘make it.’ There is not some magical, safe point in life where you are just ‘there’ and don’t have to worry anymore. Life and living are constant. Change is constant.”
— Liana
OLIVIA’S STORY
About a year ago, I got fired. I’d never been fired from a job in my life, and I couldn’t believe it was actually happening. I had worked so hard for my company, and after all my contributions — to be fired?! I felt betrayed, scared, confused, embarrassed, and like something was fundamentally wrong with me. I was also recently divorced and was now going to be responsible for my two small boys all on my own, with no job and no benefits. Since I felt so out of control, I went into a crazed overdrive of obsessively sending out résumés while internally beating myself up for being an awful human being who got fired. I applied for every job I could, even if it didn’t seem like something I wanted to do. I wouldn’t hang out with friends because I told myself I shouldn’t be having fun until I found a job. I constantly worried about money and how I would feel secure again.
Things felt so out of control I finally allowed myself to ask questions like “Do you really want to take another job that will just pay the bills and keep you in the nine-to-five game for another thirty years? Or do you want to take notice, choose to see this firing as a gift, and give your life a hard shift in the direction of your dreams?”
Once I asked these questions and quit attempting to make something happen based on fear, random opportunities to take steps toward the things I really wanted to do, like being a doula, started showing up. These were things I had never pursued because they didn’t feel secure enough. When I started noticing those incredible signals pointing me in the direction of my dreams, I paid attention and finally made a decision to stop trying to control every aspect of my life. I have learned the power and strength that come from walking through the fire of disappointment, pain, and fear. I know it’s better to embrace change than resist it. Don’t get me wrong; I don’t always do it right away. But at least when I’m in resistance, I know I’m bringing it upon myself — which means I can also change it.
Lesson 2: Your Comfort Zone Is a Trap
We all have a comfort zone that we have constructed based on what feels safe and manageable. In this comfort zone, we make certain choices and engage in specific behaviors that reinforce feelings of security. It feels familiar; we know all the ins and outs. Occasionally, we will take a step beyond it, but usually only if we have made a careful list of pros and cons and feel a degree of safety about our level of risk. But our comfort zone does not feel comfortable because it is healthy; it feels so cozy because it is familiar and reinforces the illusion of control.
We are constrained by self-concepts and structures built from expectations about who we are supposed to be and what we are supposed to do. We long to feel the highs of love, joy, inspiration, and passion, but we do not want to feel the depths of uncomfortable feelings such as sadness, anger, and shame. We dream big dreams and desire change in our lives but limit ourselves because we are not willing to step into the unknown. So we continue playing it safe, living life according to our plans, and engaging in familiar routines and behaviors. Disappointment itself can become a comfort zone. As much as you want to treat your Expectation Hangovers, you may be experiencing a degree of complacency about the status quo, having resigned yourself to feeling let down by life; but that is no way to live!
Many of my clients come to see me because they want to change things in their lives. As soon as I suggest something that will create the desired changes but requires them to step out of their comfort zone, they come up with a million reasons why they can’t do it. They stay trapped in their comfort zone, their vitality and sense of purpose withering away because they are not actualizing their potential.
Imagine a plant that has outgrown the pot it was planted in. What would happen? It would never grow into the plant it was destined to become unless it was replanted. Your comfort zone is like a shell of restriction, not protection. That’s why I get so excited when someone has an Expectation Hangover; I know it’s the Universe’s way of making someone uncomfortable enough to bust out of their comfort zone of limitation so they can grow into their full potential. The human experience is one of continuous evolution. Within each of us there is an evolutionary impulse to transform. We are not static beings; change is unavoidable. If we resist or fear change, an Expectation Hangover comes along to help us evolve. No matter what your circumstances, do not settle for complacency or “good enough.” You deserve and are capable of so much more.
Lesson 3: It Ain’t Out There
Perhaps you can relate to the pattern of when/then and if/then thinking: When I get that raise, then I’ll feel financially secure. When I get married, then I’ll feel worthy. When I get a little more experience, then I can start my business. If I had not been laid off, then I would not be depressed. If I lose five pounds, then I’ll feel confident. If I had not made that mistake, then I’d feel proud of myself. The number of when/thens and if/thens our ego can buy into is infinite.
Many people “work on themselves” so they can get something external. It’s wonderful to have dreams, but when the inner work we do is designed solely to get outer results, we continue to experience Expectation Hangovers. We think our happiness comes from getting what we want, and we often pursue our expectations at the cost of our health, relationships, and most of all, the present moment. Our obsession with what we can do, be, or have leaves us constantly looking for some external result. Then, once we get the things we think we want, we experience an Expectation Hangover if they are not as fulfilling as we thought they would be. Or we experience a short-term boost but then start looking for the next thing to strive for. It’s an endless cycle.
Recently, I was hired to speak to a group of CEOs about “achieving fulfillment.” I thought it was quite funny that they used the word achieve in reference to fulfillment — we’re so attached to external results that we even try to “achieve” fulfillment! I began my talk with this very driven group by telling them we were going to meditate and then talk about love. The look on their faces was priceless!
Fulfillment is not something we make happen. Trying to measure up to all our internal and external expectations leaves most of us living as human doings rather than human beings. It is only when we have the courage to let go of what we expect to happen that we begin to experience the kind of fulfillment that lasts. Each Expectation Hangover is an opportunity to let go of something external that we have clung to for worth, safety, or love, and to find — inside ourselves — the experience we are looking for.
Lesson 4: You Are Not Being Punished
During an Expectation Hangover, we have a tendency to think we have done something to deserve the disappointment. We buy into the common misunderstanding that bad things happen to us to test us, or even as payback for something we did wrong. Most of us, whether consciously or unconsciously, carry around a fear that the Universe (or God, Spirit, or Higher Power) is judging us in some way. So when things don’t go our way, we believe the suffering we experience is penance. This could not be further from the truth.
The truth is that every circumstance or situation is for your Highest Good — even if it doesn’t feel like it at the time. The Universe does not punish, test, or keep a list of good/bad and right/wrong behavior. You didn’t do anything wrong. You have always been doing the best you could. Really. Even if you do not totally believe this yet, begin to consider it. Beating yourself up and continuing to believe that you are being tested or punished will only perpetuate your Expectation Hangover and potentially make it worse. What appear to be tests and trials in your life are actually priceless gifts and teachings.
Sometimes what is for our Highest Good is a little humility. Our egos can