caught up in regretting the past or latching onto the idea of something in the future we think will make us feel better. We’ll do anything to end our suffering — the problem is we just don’t know what to do.
| EXERCISEIdentifying Your Expectation Hangovers |
Now it’s your turn to identify the Expectation Hangovers that are currently causing you the most suffering, by answering the following questions in your journal. For each yes, briefly describe the related Expectation Hangover and label it as situational, interpersonal, or self-imposed. Then, on a scale of 1 to 5, rate the level of disappointment it has caused (1 being bearable, 5 being tremendously painful).
1. Is there something in your life that did not turn out the way you planned?
2. Is there an aspect of your life that you are not enjoying even though you thought you would?
3. Is there someone in your life who let you down?
4. Is there a relationship that has taken a direction that is upsetting to you?
5. Are you disappointed because of something you have done or not done?
6. Do you regret a choice you made or an action you took?
7. Did something happen that caught you off guard and has left you scrambling or disrupted?
Before you considered these questions, you may have been aware of at least one major Expectation Hangover you have or had. Now you may realize there are several Expectation Hangovers you’ve been carrying around. Don’t worry — once you know how to treat one, you will be able to navigate all disappointment with greater grace. For now, identify the Expectation Hangover you are suffering from the most. It will be one you rated high on the disappointment scale (or the one you rated highest if there’s only one with the highest rating). That is the one to focus on first.
“Would it all be different if I had done things differently? Would I be different if I didn’t place so much pressure on myself? I said I never had expectations, but this feeling of loss can only mean that I did, or do.”
— Melanie
WHY EXPECTATION HANGOVERS HAPPEN
“If a man will begin with certainties, he shall end in doubts; but if he will be content to begin with doubts, he shall end in certainties.”
— Francis Bacon
One of the most challenging parts of an Expectation Hangover is feeling that we’ve failed, that we haven’t met the standards or goals we’ve set for ourselves — especially if we’ve poured our hearts into the attempt.
I spent three months putting together an online conference that I was passionate about. I conducted over thirty interviews, wrote tons of marketing materials and emails, produced a video, and hired a team of people. I truly expected 15,000 people to sign up for the conference. A week before the conference, we only had 2,500. I was so let down and could not figure out why we were not getting the results we’d expected. As I beat myself up and went into regret, thinking of everything I could have done or should have done, my Expectation Hangover got worse.
Yet I truly did love putting this project together. I had fun doing the interviews, met interesting new people, was enthusiastic about the subject matter, and produced a body of work I was proud of. But when the outcome wasn’t what I’d expected, all of that went out the window, and I had an instant Expectation Hangover. Suddenly, the entire experience became about the destination and not the journey. Because my ego became obsessed with the numbers, I forgot about the joy, enthusiasm, and creativity that had lit up my soul.
“I had so many illusions about my dream of changing the world through music and meaningful lyrics, and suffered constantly from an Expectation Hangover about not being paid or recognized for it. I was so focused on the outcome that I lost sight of how much I enjoyed creating music.”
— Leslie
Not getting our desired outcome is one of the seemingly cruel ways the Universe teaches us the lesson that the journey of life is more important than the destination. We feel so alive in those moments when we are pouring our blood, sweat, and tears into something we believe in. We feel inspiration, enthusiasm, and passion. Those are all wonderful things to experience, and we like the feelings that accompany them. But as soon as we realize that the dream we had our heart set on did not come true, all the good feelings evaporate into an Expectation Hangover, and we find ourselves asking, “Why is this happening?”
Good question. During my own Expectation Hangovers, I have wanted to know exactly why it was happening, both so I could do something about it and so I could counteract my uncomfortable feelings of uncertainty. We think that if only we knew why something was happening, we could change it and not have to endure the Expectation Hangover.
The main reason disappointment happens is to teach us paradigm-shifting life lessons. An Expectation Hangover is a wild card that causes us to start looking within and, ultimately, to turn in a different direction. On the surface Expectation Hangovers might appear to create disharmony, but they actually have a harmonizing effect because the unexpected is what leads to innovation and novelty.
“The entire time I was growing up, I was told that if I got a job making lots of money, if I found the right man, and if I had the right family, I would be happy. That if I stuck to ‘The Plan,’ I would be happy. Well, imagine my surprise when, as I got closer and closer to achieving The Plan, I felt farther and farther from being happy. I had the moneymaking job, the doting husband, the well-behaved child, and yet where was it? Where was this happiness I had been promised? The sense of fulfillment, purpose, achievement, contentment, and happiness was not there! Why not?”
— Connie
We don’t voluntarily sign up for the lessons Expectation Hangovers teach, because they threaten the things our ego clings to: control, security, and external results. Warning: the lessons I’m about to share won’t be very satisfying to your ego and won’t necessarily give you the kind of answers you desire. For now, I invite you to open your mind to understanding these lessons, and when we get to our treatment plan in part 2, you’ll learn some tools for working with them.
“Replace fear of the unknown with curiosity.”
— Danny Gokey
Lesson 1: Control Is an Illusion
We are great at putting time and energy into achieving the results we want. And the more effort we put in, the more we feel entitled to get the results. When our expectations are met, we feel a sense of security and accomplishment; we feel safe and on track. We expect that life will evolve according to our plan and that people will behave in a predictable way. We all love control because the unknown is downright scary. In fact, I think control has become the master addiction. But the truth is we really don’t have complete control over our lives, and nothing illuminates that truth more brightly than an Expectation Hangover.
Now, you may be thinking, “Of course I have control over my life. Don’t tell me everything is determined by fate or some Higher Power.” Believe me, I hear you. My ego really likes to fight for control too. But in reality, it’s an illusion. For example, you have an idea of what you are going to do tomorrow, but there are a million unexpected things that could happen to alter your plans. Am I saying that everything is up to some Higher Power? No, all of us have free will and therefore have influence over the course of our life. However, we do not have total control over when, how, or if certain events will happen. What we do have is total control over how we respond to what happens. But we put far more effort into attempting to control our life and make things happen than we put into taking responsibility for how we react to Expectation Hangovers. All