3:23–24:
For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.
You may even find that you experience both anxiety and avoidance in your relationship with God. The activities and experiences suggested in this book are designed to help you develop a more secure connection with God in Christ. This is vital and will lead to either a decrease in anxiety, avoidance, or both as you find the secure resting place in which, like a baby, you are always cradled in the arms of God.
"Progress Not Perfection"
In Twelve Step communities, recovery is said to be about "progress not perfection." In the Gospel of Matthew, however, Jesus is quoted as saying, "Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect" (Matthew 5:48). How, then, as a Christian in recovery can you possibly make sense of this?
From a spiritual perspective, we know that truly being "perfect" is not possible (see Romans 3:23). Perfect is defined as being without flaw or defect. And from a psychological perspective, perfectionism is not something we should even strive for; doing so is problematic. Consistently, researchers have found that perfectionism is fueled by shame and that attempts to be perfect (or at least present ourselves that way) are actually attempts not to feel shame. Thus, when addicts present themselves as "perfect," they are trying to mask their shame over their addictive behavior. Unfortunately, portraying oneself as perfect is the very opposite of the behaviors that support recovery (such as relying on a supportive community and accountability partners, and being fearlessly honest with yourself and others).
From a psychological perspective, then, perfectionism is an enemy. While we have encouraged humility, humility is not the same thing as inadequacy. Humility supports recovery; a pervasive sense of being inadequate does not. Humility is correlated with mental health while inadequacy correlates with a lack of mental health. How, then, can we reconcile this?
Read the following passage from Matthew 5:45b–48:
He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.
A key to this passage is translation. Jesus would have spoken these words in Aramaic, an ancient Middle Eastern language. The Aramaic words that are translated as good and evil in verse 45 do not correspond to what we typically think of as morally right or wrong but have an agricultural meaning and refer to fruit that is ripe (good) and unripe (evil). Alternatively, the words could be translated as "mature" and "immature." This fits with other teachings of Jesus where he speaks of good trees bearing good fruit and evil trees bearing evil fruit (see Matthew 7:17). It is possible, then, that Jesus spoke more of our maturity/immaturity in verse 45 than of being good and evil. With this interpretation, God is encouraging us to love all people as He loves those whose lives are balanced and those, like you in your addiction, whose lives were out of balance, "unripe" as it were.
This brings us back to verse 48. While reading this verse, it is easy to skip over the word "therefore," but it is a vital word in this verse. The word "therefore" tells us that Jesus was speaking in reference to what he had just said. This verse does not stand alone; we cannot simply lift this one verse out of its surrounding text.
Within the context of what he was saying, Jesus then used the Aramaic word gmar for "perfect" in verse 48. The root of gmar means to accomplish or be complete. Gmar was originally translated into the Greek telios, which carries a parallel meaning of complete or mature. "Mature" is an interesting translation given the context (ripe and unripe fruit, mature and immature trees and fruit) within which Jesus was talking.
It is possible, then, that Jesus was not laying upon us the burden of perfection, but rather calling us to be complete, to be mature in a way that is godlike. In the context of calling us to love all people, not only our friends and family, Jesus asks us to be complete or mature, but not perfect. Jesus simply calls us here to "mature" into loving all people. This is very different from calling us to be perfect, an unattainable goal that has left many Christians feeling inadequate and ashamed. This is not just semantics. It is very important, especially for you as a recovering addict. Shame is one of the most potent fuels for the addictive cycle and, for many addicts, is at the very core of the repetitive cycle of addictive behavior. You are not yoked with the task of being perfect in Matthew 5:48. What you are called to do, though, is to mature, to ripen so that you might bear good fruit.
When you were active in your addiction, you were neither mature nor complete. That is, the immature tree was not bearing good fruit. As you may already realize, recovery is not simply about getting sober from your addictive sexual behavior; that is simply the beginning. The process of recovery is about growing spiritually, becoming a good tree that bears good fruit, and becoming more complete through Christ.
Being in recovery is not about being perfect. It is about being more mature in our relationship with God through Christ, with ourselves, and with those we love.
Perhaps similar to Paul's encouragement to the church (I Corinthians 13:11), Jesus is asking us to put away childish things, including addictive sexual behavior.
Perhaps, then, God's call, revealed to us through the teachings of Christ and Paul's letters, is one of maturity and completion. If you are complete, you must embrace and accept all of your "parts." This includes the part of you that has done things you deeply regret and have likely hidden from others in shame.
The good news is that there is a big difference between being mature and being perfect. Indeed, you are already taking steps in the direction of being more mature as a Christian and as a recovering person.
| Immature/Unripe | Mature/Ripe |
| You see yourself as separate, both from God and from other people. | You recognize that you are connected, both to God and to healthy people in healthy ways. |
| Viewing yourself as separate, you struggle to be unique and special. | You know, without doubt, that you are created in the image of a Divine Creator. |
| You vacillate between shame and disavowing your shortcomings, presenting yourself as "special" in some way to counter the shame. | Without shame, you acknowledge your shortcomings to yourself and to others who offer safe and wise counsel. |
| You deny experiences and emotions that are uncomfortable. | You "own" all of your experiences. You acknowledge that all of your experiences and emotions, indeed all that you are, is from God. |
| You distort the truth through denial, justification, minimization, and rationalization. | You are fearless in being honest with yourself, with God, and with safe others. |
| You deny responsibility for your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. | You take responsibility for your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. |
| You strive to be special by feeding your own ego, including sexual conquests and fantasies. | You affirm and accept that you are loved by God just as you are. |
| Your inner critic often is quite loud. | You experience self-compassion even as you acknowledge your responsibility for past addictive behaviors. |
| As you disavow your own struggles, you are quick to judge others. | Experiencing less harsh self-judgment and judgment of others, and finding this replaced with compassion and empathy, you selflessly long to support others in their healing journey. |